Warning: my entire post contains triggers.
Brief background: I recently found out through posting here that the reason my mom is "crazy" is that she's a narcissist. What brought me to the end of my rope was my mom's behavior during and after the birth of our stillborn daughter at full term (our first child, her first grandchild). She made it all about her and I couldnt take it anymore. I've put her on LC/TO and didn't go visit for thanksgiving/not visiting for Christmas.
My latest dilemma: My mom keeps calling our deceased daughter 'hers.' Let's say our daughter's name was Sally. (It wasn't but I don't want to give out too much personal info on this public site). She will send me texts like (on the 3 month anniversary of my delivering her:) "happy 3 months to my precious Sally!!!" Wtf is so happy about it???? Anyway she will also post on my Facebook wall: "I miss my precious Sally!!!"
Today is my birthday. Last night she texted me pictures of the house decorated for Christmas and some of the pictures were of a framed picture of our daughter and the frame was decorated with Christmas tree ornaments all around it and said "merry Christmas to my precious Sally!!!!" She also sends pictures of my little siblings writing letters to Santa on the family fireplace (yes that's a strange place to write letters to Santa) that say "dear Santa, for Christmas I want Sally to be able to come back to us. I miss Sally so much." Both my mom and dad keep sending me texts that say "we are sad you, DH and Sally won't be coming for Christmas." (?!?! How the F could Sally come for Christmas?!) "Your little brother says to tell you that he will miss all three of you at Christmas, but especially Sally." ?! "We keep hoping for a Christmas miracle and to be able to see you, DH and Sally at Christmas." Wtf.
This bothers me on multiple levels. I hate that she calls our deceased daughter "her" Sally!!!!!!! She was OURS!! She was born dead and knew no one but her father and me-- we would sing to her, talk to her, cuddle her, and read to her in utero. She never got to meet anyone else. I feel that my mom is trying to steal the little bit of time we had with her and act like she was hers instead of ours. It bothers me that they act like she is still alive or is coming back when clearly we have been struggling with the acceptance phase of grief. And maybe I'm selfish but it bothers me that she's more concerned with missing/"losing" HER grandchild than with how her own living daughter (me) is coping. It's not like she texts me and asks how I'm doing or what we need. It's not like she says I should do whatever helps me heal, including staying home with my husband for the holidays. She's selfish and she only wants to complain about losing her Sally.
Should I tell her that this bothers me? Or will she just do it more? The unicorn part of me hopes that maybe she thinks she's helping by remembering our daughter and/or honoring/celebrating her short existence. But I would think she would at least ask me what helps/hurts. I also find the timing of her mentions of our daughter to be suspect (thanksgiving, night before my birthday, my dad mentioned his dumb comment about being sad he's not seeing Sally at Christmas today on my birthday, during important milestones, etc.). Every time she, my dad or my little siblings say something like that I feel very upset but I don't know what to do. If they are sad and missing our daughter I understand but I don't feel like they put the loss in the proper perspective. We are the ones living and grieving but they seem to overlook that.
Only my older siblings have expressed compassionate concern and asked how we are doing and what we need etc. With my mom, dad and younger siblings its more like a "poor us" pity party or it even seems like a competitive "we miss her more than you do" thing.
Also- I know everyone here says to BH but getting these kids of texts hurts me. I don't understand the point of BHing if it negatively affects me to even see/read it?