Ive been following this website for a few months and i find that you all give great advice. So i'm going to tell you my story and see if you brilliant women can help me.
I am 35 (soon to be 36) I am married with 2 children pregnant with my 3rd. I have had some personality conflicts with both of my parents most of my life. my mother didn’t start until I was 19 and I started thinking on my own. She was a perfect mother until I grew up and started having thoughts and actions she didn’t approve of.
BG: I would have a write a book to tell you all the incidents in my life that have brought me to this point. So I’ll just give you highlights. I was raised a Christian. At 19 I denounced my religion (this is my mothers main issue with me). I’m a good person with a good heart. I have good people around me. (this does not matter to her I need to be a Christian to be right in her eyes. my mother has never approved of my choices. She wanted me to go to law school, I became a social worker. Me choosing to move out at 17 as opposed to staying in her house until I was married etc. just things that were really none of her concern.
At 26 I had my first child, as a single parent (my relationship fell apart due to my BF cheating. I have no tolerance for this so he was out of my life immediately). In my low emotional state she convinced me to move into her house (the whole a village raises a kid speech). In spite of my reservations I chose to do this. My mother has the ability to be Clare Huskstable, she also has the ability to be Mommy Dearest. I lived with my parents for 4 years after my son was born. I justified living in this environment b/c at the time It allowed me to do things like stay at home with my son for 2 years and then pay for him to go to a private preschool. There were many repeated incidents of her ignoring my rule as a parent. it didn’t matter what I did my mother would figure out a way to undermined me. when I went off I was just being “dramaticâ€. My mother had specific expectations for her grandchild when I didn’t comply she would lecture me and guilt me into complying with her or we’d have huge blow outs either way she did what she wanted and I couldn’t tell her what to do.
When I moved out I moved 45 mins away. My family threw a fits telling me I wouldn’t succeed and this and that. We are fine. I met my husband had another baby and took back the reigns. I have moved several times b/c my mother insists on stopping by without calling. My unicorn has always been alive when it comes to my mother so every time I move I manage to let her know where I am. I have always hoped my mother would one day respect me as a mother and as an adult. But that has not happened in the last 9 years. I have allowed her to torture me for years. She has done very hurtful things to me over the years. Disrespecting me at every opportunity. One very hurtful thing was an incident around mothers day.
On mothers day I was preparing to have my 2nd child. She was being induced due to high blood pressure. My sister was angry b/c my son didn’t call her to say happy mothers day. I explained that she is not a mother and does not require a call on MOTHERS day. I guess she whined to my mother which is typical. While I was in labor my mother text me asking why I didn’t have my son say happy mothers day to my sister. I said b/c she doesn’t have children and I am in labor leave me alone. My mother knew I was in labor b/c she was mad at me b/c I wouldn’t allow the family to take over my labor.
Last year was the final straw. I allowed my sister and mother to have time with my children around the holidays unsupervised (my mother wants to see the children daily but is in no condition to take care for a toddler. When my sister would come in town I’d allow the kids to go with her thinking she was more capable of chasing a toddler and making sound decisions). My sister needed to go shopping (just demonstrating how narcissistic she is) she picked up my children (not telling us that is what she was going to do) took them to a department store. here she is with a 18mth old a 8 year old boy and a 67 year old woman who has 2 bad knees shopping for ski gear. While my sister was in dressing room my mother was “watching†the kids. My son (he is the only reliable source) says he and his sister were playing hide and seek (which I would never allow in a store. My kids are very well mannered and well behaved we don’t act up in stores. We respect our environments and others but my mother doesn’t believe in saying no to my children they are her only grandchildren) my daughter fell out in the store for no reason and had a “seizure†(she has never had one before or since. Doctors couldn’t confirm). My mother freaked out picked up my 18mth old daughter and started breathing in her mouth while telling store clerks to call 911 (so many things wrong with this. first of all you don’t pick up people when they fall, second you don’t blow into peoples mouths when they are not breathing. CPS 101.)
POSSIBLE TRIGGER*****
My sister took over care for my daughter b/c my mother had shut down (she watched her 2 year old get hit by a car in 1974 and never got therapy END TRIGGER).
I didn’t’ get a phone call until my sister and daughter got to the hospital by ambulance (still have the bill for that one). My sister calls and says everything is ok but there was an accident come to this hospital. My Dh and I speed to the hospital. My sister was hysterical stating I don’t want you to think I’d ever hurt your kids and talking about how traumatizing the incident was for her (you selfish bitch what about the baby that was traumatized) here I am comforting her while I comfort my child. I hear my mother ask my sister did you call “karen†to let her know the baby is ok. (that is my mothers best friend and my first thought was how and why would she know what happend) after I cared for my child. And started putting together the story (I’m sure what they told me was not everything). I was wondering what really happened. And why didn’t I get a call until a good 45 min after incident began? Why were they at Macy’s (my sister knows if she had asked to take my kids there I would’ve said no. that is too much… I know my children and their tolerance for waiting around for others)
My son said he tried to call but his gammy kept taking the phones. I asked my mother why she called her best friend b4 she called me. She said b/c I needed to pray and didn’t want to stress me out (if you remember from earlier I have denounced my religion and could care less about her prayer chain when my baby was in crisis). That was the last unsupervised visit my sister father or mother has had with my children. This year has been hellish b/c my mother is so emotional about the fact that she can’t be alone with her grandkids. At this point I think she is just getting all worked up to oppose me b/c its not that big a deal. I have been real clear with her about why she can’t be alone. She has 2 bad knees and stays on pain medication she can barley walk (but she is in denial wanting to stay young)
For a year now I have been attempting to supervise visits weekly with my mother. Problem is I don’t get along with my mother so it is very difficult for me to be around her. She requires (I don’t comply) to have multiple hours at her house. If her visit is less than 4 hours I have to deal with her crying to family members who then call and complain to me. She won’t make public arrangements she wont come to my house but she continues to insist that I bring the kids to her house. I have expressed my discomfort with this arrangement (I can’t stand my father and wont even talk to him). If I don’t come see her she throws some huge mental health fit. Stating all she has are my children and I’m being unreasonable.
Things have gotten so bad with my mother she has said the meanest things to me. Things like you favor one child over the other. Implying I am not a good mother and don’t love my children bc I’m not the mushy emotional mom. she continues to ignore anything I say about the kids. If my son is at her house and is grounded from tv she whines and complains and makes my life miserable b/c I wont just the kids be “happy’ at her house. Which to her means no boundaries at all. They can act like wild animals at her house and she just laughs. She feeds the youngest constantly and allows my son to do the internet (which I do not allow) the IPOD and watch tv simultaneously (we don’t allow our children that much electronics) My son does not google without supervision and he has limited tv time but she doesn’t care b/c its “her houseâ€. When he leaves he usually asks for a glaxay S4 or an IPad. I have to re-teach my politics every time. She continues to ignore my wish that she does not come to my house uninvited. She does not think she sees the kids enough so she stops by constantly so she can get peeks of them give them gifts and hugs. I have asked her several times to stop doing this but she continues to do it. I am at the point where I don’t answer the door so she just leaves the stuff on my car.
I went from weekly visits to every other week and now I don’t want to see her at all. I don’t know how to get away! Both of my parents feel entitled as my parents to do whatever they want to me and they don’t care about my opinion. I love my mother and as I was raised that I need to honor thy mother and thy father or I would go to hell, even though I don’t practice that religion being told it is wrong to do something your whole life it becomes part of you. I come from a culture where it is unheard of to cut off or even question your parents. I am sick of the chaos and I want out! I just don’t know what else I can do. I keep tightening the rope and she keeps stomping boundaries.
This weekend she asked if she could bring by some random stuff. I said no you can give it to them when you see them. she says when will that be I said next weekend. (I did not tell her this but I was sick and had to work this past weekend). She huffs and puffs and hangs up the phone. the next day my son was outside playing and he came in with a bunch of bags and stated gammy was outside. I told my son to stay in the house and I ignored her (she did not try to come to the door she just drove off) I called her and she didn’t answer which forced me to text her ( I hate communicating through text and she knows this) I told her that was inappropriate and the reasons why. She responded a bunch of crap about why it wasn’t that big a deal and I was just making it bigger than it needed to be. In the mean time my poor husband is pissed and at his limit. he wants to move yet again (this time we wont let any of them know where we live). I don’t know how to get her to understand she needs to leave me alone and stop disrespecting me. I don’t want to have to get all crazy. I’m making a baby and I’d rather not be stressed due to some past medical issues. I can’t be overly excited during this pregnancy.
Do you all have any suggestions? Sorry so long and convoluted. There are so many incidents I couldn’t explain it all. I stand up for myself but they stomp on my boundaries like they are not there.