BG: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a44706967/a_happy_day__.or_not_ud_p1_epic_text_p4_text_p13
DS is now 2 months old. I haven't mentioned it here because I've been too ashamed and afraid of getting a (well-deserved) flaming. But I gave into my unicorn and let my parents meet him, and now I'm not sure where to go from here.
We did great with the birth. No one but our babysitter knew I was in labor, no one was at the birth center, and we didn't even call or text anyone for a few hours, when WE were ready. The midwives at the birth center actually thanked us for having such a calm birth (although the actual birthing was far from calm!). We've seen waiting room warriors a few times when we've been there for appointments, and I shudder to think the things that they've seen there. Anyway, we did not inform my parents about the birth. They found out from MIL, which was fine. The next day when we were home, there was a knock at the door. It was a florist, with a big bouquet and a note that read, "Congratulations to yubnub and hubnub. Love, Mom and Dad." (And yes, I've decided to refer to my husband as hubnub.) I was less than 24 hours postpartum at this point, and didn't really have the mental clarity to even consider refusing the delivery. I instinctively knew who it was from, but I didn't know for sure until the florist had left and I got inside and opened the card.
I didn't know what to do. It didn't fix or change anything, but the reaction I expected from them was more along the lines of, "How dare you have our grandchild and we had to find out about it on Facebook! You're killing us!" It seemed like a bit of an olive branch. Hubnub and I talked about it, and decided we were okay with contact, but not exactly a relationship. I texted my mom one picture of the baby, and said, "Thank you for the flowers." That was it. Yes, my unicorn was rising from the grave, but it wasn't fully back to life. We exchanged a few texts about the baby, but I was very cautious and distant in my interactions, not sharing too much or showing any emotion. Perhaps a fail to allow contact without any real sign of change, but it was still a sign of improvement on my part that I didn't just jump right back into the enmeshment.
We allowed them to come meet the baby when he was about 2 weeks old. I told them ahead of time that if we were going to resume a relationship, there were things that needed to be worked through, but that this meeting was not the time to do it. This meeting was about my son, and I was not up to hashing things out with them 2 weeks postpartum, especially since I had some complications after the birth. We set a clear boundary that they could come for one hour, and while it was awkward, they behaved.
We've seen them a couple times since then. We let them come to our house to exchange Christmas gifts a few days after Christmas (this is actually huge--every year of the 7 years hubnub and I have been together, we've spent Christmas at my parents' house. The fact that we didn't see them on Christmas day, plus the fact that we made them come to us, is a testament to my new spine). And we saw them at my extended FOO's Christmas party.
For the most part they have behaved (though there was one text conversation that was pretty frustrating), but after having 3 months off from them and the clarity that came with that, I just see them so much differently now, and I feel like my mom has become my BEC. It is clear to me, and my mom has all but said this, that she still doesn't get it, but is just complying with my "rules" out of fear of being in TO again. Everything she does just annoys the shit out of me, and it seems like every day I'm remembering something else from my past that I thought was normal at the time but now shows me how BSC she is. Part of me is glad I ended the TO, because while the distance from them was wonderful, maintaining it was stressful. But part of me regrets ending it, because she is just.so.exhausting. There are issues with my dad too, but we've had a very distant, surface relationship for years, so he's not the one really bugging me right now.
Here's my dilemma. I don't feel like she's really done anything new to deserve another TO, and especially after accepting Christmas gifts from them, I feel like it would be a dick move on my part to do so. It would look like I just let them back in to get stuff, and then once I got stuff out of them I cut them off again. Do I just accept that I'm the one who opened the door, and continue an LC relationship? Or do I say, "You know what? I can't do this."