-The long background-
Growing up, I was always raised to believe my mother was a fantastic mother. She was the image of kindness, nuturing, and everything delightful. This is all I'd heard my whole life, and was a message repeated by my siblings, family friends, ect. So, while it was not what I felt, I internalized it to be a problem with me.
The idea that *I* (blu) was the problem was reinforced by the labels my mother gave me. I was "over-sensitive", "dramatic", and later "impulsive". While we were children, no one could say a word to my youngest sis, but, my older bro and sis could bully me until I was crying hysterically and that was ok. (My mom would just claim she couldn't punish them because she didn't "see" it, even though she was sitting feet away, and I would be sent to my room for being "dramatic").
There was some serious *trigger* kinds of things that happened; some very egregioius parentification; and so on. My mother would also discuss in detail how I was mentally ill, what kinds of illnessess and issues she thought I had, and how they effected my outlook and behavior. This all further reinforced those labels, and me as a punching bag.
I later distanced myself, and had my FOO on what would amount to LC. But, I still believed all the shit about the greatness of "mommy", and the state of my mental health. I always got sucked back in.
The programming started to fail after my oldest turned 2, and by the time my mom finally admitted she was boarderline I had an epiphany:
I, blu, and NOT mentally ill. I am, as I have always felt deep down, quite fine. It really is them, and not me.
TLDR: Mom is BSC, but used me as the mental health scapegoat. I was programmed like the borg and just this last few years realized I am really a klingon.
As of a few days ago my sibs are still trucking along believing mom is great/blu is impulsive and dramatic. Relationships with sisters are all one-sided (mom guilting me into keep contact for her sake, blah, blah), bro dropped out some time ago.
DH and I are in the (very stressful) process of getting a mortgage on a property half way across the country. I had told my mom about our move, but couldn't tell my sibs, since they never answer their phones. So, I did what you do in the modern age: I posted the link to our house on the debil.
I wasn't expecting more than a dis-interested like, but what I got instead was an attempted flamewar.
Oldest sis mocked the community I was moving. I started to JADE in reply, said fuck it, and deleted her post. Then, bro gets on, chews me out, implies that we are stupid, and that DH is being a bad father (as he'll stay at an on-site camp and come home on his days off.) So, I said fuck it, and deleted my facebook account (since I never really wanted one anyways, and had been meaning to delete it).
Sis texts me the next am with this gem:
WTF? The place you want to move to has a population of 20. I googled it. But if you're going to be a jerk about it I will go on record as agreeing with my brother as fas as moving to (place) is a stupid idea.
I BH'd it, and decided to drop the rope with sibs in a very permenent way.
BTW, we're moving to an acerage community outside a city, the population is irrelivant. IDK where the jerk thing comes from.. refusing to flame on is mean I guess.
This, however, is NOT the end of the tale. Mom gets wind of the drama (at least 1, probably both sibs went running to moommy). I get 1 vm and 1 text the next day about the house sale and my missing debil account, and how she is all "wooorrrriiieddd" and "shocked". (which is not a tone my mother ever used with me before... it was creepy and weird). I sent 1 quick text stating the sale was going fine/fb deleted, said nothing else, and decided to wait her out (make her call me, which she hates to do).
She finally called this am, and the gist of the conversation is:
-she is "hurt" that I deleted the debil, and feels "shut out" of my life, and I was "the last one" she thought would ever do that to heeeerrr (bear in mind, I called her the day before the debil post).
-she is "very hurt and unhappy" that my sibs and I are not close (and this is my fault?)
-some serious attempts to rug sweep, and put the blame back on me.
My end of the conversation was more like:
-don't try to protect sibs feelings over mine/pretend they didn't say what they did.
-don't try to fix this "problem" (aka me). There is nothing to fix.
-we will not discuss this anymore.
The thing that chaffes me, is that even though I was pretending that I was going to visit often, I was actually planning a sort of slow drift, leading to an CO. My mom is like a T-Rex, she only notices you if you're waving at her, so it would take her forever to realize I dropped out. By then I would be nicely far away in in my own bubble.
Now, I'm at a bit of dilema. I want to continue to just fade, and reduce contact with mom until there is none. But, there is this paranoia that she's hip to my plan, and maybe I should just take an band-aid approach.
That, and even though I intellectually know better, I'm having a hard time over-comming the emotional programming. The need to protect my mother's feelings above all is almost a reflex, and the guilt for "causing" her unhappiness is strong.
I don't know if I have a real question, since I know the end result is the same, and however I get there, I will. I think, like many other posters. I feel a need for persmission. Is it ok to CO my mom? Is it ok to wait unti I've moved, as a thousand + km is quite a great buffer? Arrggg.. between this, paperwork issues, and contractors calling on their time zone (5am mine), I'm a bit of a mess.