So I've been a major lurker on several boards so please bear with me. BG: My DH and I have been married for almost 9yrs. We have 3 DDs together. We are and IRC family and so this leads me to my issue.
My MIL and SFIL have been (for a lack of better word) against our marriage from the beginning. When I met my DH I was 20yrs old and my DH was 23. MIL decided that I was too young and too inexperienced and therefore I wasn't a good fit for DH. FF 2yrs later we got married. I should've set boundaries then but I didn't. (she had his ex send us a wedding gift, she didn't come to my wedding shower, wanted us to get married privately(not invite DH's dad---whole other issue), wanted us not to get married and instead live together, etc). Fortunately they live out of state. FF we are married now: they tried to get my DH back with ex, every single time they saw me, they would say "No Offence but...." I'm sure you all know what comes next. Not only have these comments been hurtful but the worst part is that DH never ever stands up for me.
Anyway, when we had our 1st dd she said she couldn't help because my BIL was going through a divorce and he needed her more than I did. She plays favorites even with her 2 sons(DH and BIL). So she saw my dd twice that year she was born. Every year they book vacations and we are invited occassionally. She invites DH but tells him that he doesn't have to bring me or the kids because he is her baby.
FF we announce that we are expecting our 2nd and SFIL says "who's the father". Mind you DH is my 1st and only that I've been with and they know that. When 2nd dd is born, no baby gift, or hey do you need me to come and help you? I should mention that they've never bought my kids Christmas gifts, not that it's important but if she buys Bils son gifts shouldn't she treat the kids equally? 3rd dd they didn't say congrats, no baby gift nothing, not christmas gifts for my girls but my BIL got remarried and his ds and my SILs kids got gifts.
What makes me so upset is that my DH says it's not a big deal. Defends THEM anytime they make racial comments( comments include: Will the girls hair be ok? black people are lazy, in prison or welfare( I have a Master's degree), I hope their skin tone lightens up). Says I'm too sensitive. We went to counseling and the counselor told him that he needed to confront his family and tell them to stop, but he still defends them and maintains that they aren't at fault.
Finally they just pushed my last button, MIL said something completely inappropriate about my marriage and I just couldn't take it anymore and i refused to go to a family event. Everyone called me rude and my DH said that I needed to apologize to them for not turning up. I personally think that the person who has been hurt should not be the one apologizing but what do I know. Anyway I've managed to put them in TO for 2 months now but they want us to get together soon. Thinking about it makes me physically ill because I know that if we see them DH and I will get into a huge argument as always. Sorry for that this is so long. I'm so overwhelmed that I will be forced to see them, and they will all gang up on me. My FOO all live out of state so I have noone here.BIL lives a few miles away from us.(3 miles to be exact).Please help me step by step what to do. Why doesn't my DH stand up for me? We have scheduled counseling but the soonest we can get is Aprill. Please give me advise. Am I too sensitive? ( Please note that BIL, MIL and SFIL are always in the same room when these hateful comments are made and they all agree with each other) And yes these comments are made directly to me.