I've lurked for a couple of weeks, trying to decide what to do as drama simmers between DH and his younger brother, mostly over BILs fiancee. Things are coming to a head, and I need some perspective and advice. This is going to be a wall of text, as it's 6.5 years in the making. Based on where things are headed right now, I think I'll need this here to refer to down the road as the shit hits the fan. So, sorry. If you're not up to it, tl;dr etc, that's fine... On the other hand, I think it might make for a lot of Llama food, now and in the future. Fiancee loves drama.
BG: BIL started dating a girl I'm going to call Kim 6.5 years ago. She's BILs first and only serious GF. He's 5 years younger than DH. She doesn't have a high school degree/GED or a drivers license, which has led to low paying jobs and frequent job changes, housing issues, and of course money issues. She is 28 now. Or possibly just turned 29. My BIL is a couple of years younger.
She assumed we'd be best friends from day one, simply because of family associations. I admit to not being able to relate to her, and having a hard time with her personality, but my DH and I have always been extremely nice to her, of course. After the first 5 years, doing stuff with them both started to become really hard, as she just never stops talking, doesn't listen, never helps to make a meal at family dinner, shows up late or not at all, sometimes fails to shower before a long car ride, is often sick and so will cough through an entire movie and/or pass it on to us, if she's not talking through the whole thing already ... I fully admit to, over the years, being all BEC with her. I feel like she's stuck at about 19 emotionally, and I'm really ready to spend my free time with adults. She cannot handle emergencies and tends to totally panic when someone needs her, shuts down, and eventually someone else fixes it for her, like a child. (Ex: Dog she was dog sitting had an eye injury that needed emergency medical intervention - surgery eventually. She melts into a helpless puddle on the floor. I call the ER vet, DH, MIL, and I take dog, get in car, drive dog to vet to save his eyeball.) So we started to just not do as much with her. I don't like spending time with her, neither does DH, and I don't like how I feel around her. But there's no obligation to be besties with someone just because she's BILs GF, right? We were still seeing each other often for family get-togethers, but just stopped the 'double dating'. It got tiring, also, to end up doing all the paying for stuff.
Other... stuff... BG:
She has a problem telling the truth. (More BG: My FIL didn't like her right away, and he wasn't shy about it. Most of the family thinks he should have handled the situation differently, as he really upset BIL by bluntly telling him exactly what he thought of Kim. I know this must suck from her side, but Kim has used the situation to widen the wedge between BIL and FIL and handled it with so much drama and crazy and lying.) Ex of lying: Sitting at the kitchen table once, FIL and I are having a conversation. Kim sits down, interrupts mid-sentence with different topic. We just kind of politely acknowledge her, but continue on with our conversation, as you do, I suppose. FIL later gets up and leaves room, BIL sits down, Kim proceeds to tell him FIL told her to shut up. I said, "No, he didn't." She immediately gets super defensive, but subject is changed as rest of family comes into house for dinner. This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning. She will lie about the way things happened in order to garner more sympathy or twist a situation to suite her, situations that were also observed by myself or others, over and over. It makes it hard to trust that anything she says is the truth.
She lost her apartment some time in the first or early second year of their relationship, and moved into MILs basement with BIL. Then she quit her job, because it was "too far away" - she had to take a bus. She came with dog. MIL was paying all the bills, including food, took over dogs care (dog was seriously underweight - not being fed enough, and never walked), and then started tutoring Kim for her GED, taking her to job interviews, bought her new clothes for interviews. Kim was offered a job, and she turned it down! MIL was upset, Kim told her to mind her own business, so MIL told her to move out, then. Kim left dog, and basically couch surfed for awhile, months. Eventually she got a job and moved in with a friend. Some time goes by, MIL just rug sweeps previous crap. This is her sons GF, she's been over the top supportive.
Eventually, Kim loses apartment with friend. BIL wanted her to move back in with him, but he was living rent free in MILs house. MIL and Kim had a sit down, made some ground rules, and she moved back in. (My mother in law has a big heart. Recently, she's said she probably was too lenient and should have made some bigger boundaries long ago.) Anyway, months go by. Kim has all her crap in the garage so MIL parks on the street. Kim has extremely part time job. Kim's dog is pooping and peeing all over the house because Kim cannot be bothered to let her outside or walk her. Kim always blaming messes on MILs dog. Kim acts like she owns the place, is entitled because she is BILs GF. (DH and I just totally stayed out of all this - we felt it was not our place, not our house, etc. This, apparently, seemed to mean to Kim that we were 'on her side' as she put it. ie. MIL and FIL were against her, DH and ebh are on my side! She seeks division.) Well, one day she posts some PA stuff on FB about how everyone is so hard on her and it's so hard to even relax at home. A friend asks her what's up? Where is she living? Kim, seemingly forgetting that this is public, all on her wall, writes a huge screed against MIL. Says she's so mean, and Kim only just moved in there to help with MILs mortgage (not at all true - living rent free actually), and she does so many chores but it's never enough (the basement they were living in was a nightmare after she moved in...), and she gets blamed for everything, etc etc. DH screen shots it, emails to BIL and MIL, asks BIL if he knew about this. To this day, BIL never really responded to that. Then DH replies to that thread, defending his mom and addressing each lie. He screen shot this as well and forwarded to BIL and MIL, to be totally open. Of course, Kim goes BSC, unfriends and blocks us. MIL gives Kim an ultimatum: she had 45 days to get out, May 1st. BIL thinks this is unfair, MIL stands her ground this time. BIL and Kim eventually move out. This was several years ago now.
(Oh, my god, so much shit. I'm sorry... It continues)
MIL stays amicable with Kim (I don't know why... she has a big, big heart). They got engaged 18 months ago.
So, the last 13 months: BIL has been having a tough time, he has some mental health issues. 13 months ago, he was home alone and cut his wrist on some broken glass. (That's the story, I hope it's the full truth, but it's his story.) He calls Kim who is at work. Kim panics (her usual reaction), calls MIL who drives over, gets BIL, takes him to ER for stitches. It's late. Kim texts BIL to say she's getting a ride to the hospital, so MIL goes home to sleep - work the next day. Kim freaks out that MIL didn't stay with him, that's why Kim called her, to be with BIL, she's a failure for leaving... BIL told her to leave. Soon after, BIL and Kim have a huge fight, BIL apparently is having a mental break, Kim kicks him out. BIL moves back in with MIL for awhile. MIL sent Kim an email, the last part reads, "If you are always making this about you and your needs only, this will not last." Kim begins the silent treatment. BIL gets some help, starts to feel better, moves back in with Kim. 5 months later, it's MILs birthday, BIL shows up (Kim has no showed all family events at this point, we've seen her maybe once for a movie at our house). BIL has earrings Kim made, says they are from Kim and BIL. MIL emails Kim, thanking her for earrings. Kim responds with long BSC email about how they weren't from her, Kim hates her, MIL 'should act her age', should apologize for everything mean she's ever said, and a bunch of other offensive stuff. Weeks later, we have a BBQ at our house, Kim no shows, texts later that she wants to come over for dinner with us the next night. We agree - trying to see BIL more, trying to support him. It's a terribly uncomfortable night. I make all the food, she sits and watches. We watch a movie, she talks through the whole thing. It ends, they don't leave. There are several more nights like this last summer, until I'm just done with it. Find out from MIL that she has said we are totally on her side (not true, tried to stay out of their drama), and BIL will have to choose: Kim or MIL. So we just quietly LC with Kim at that point. No more invites over (she invites herself a lot, finally stopped), BH or delete tags on FB from her, and because she is giving MIL the silent treatment, we don't see her. Not since July. She seems to have not noticed until recently.
Well, BIL had another mental break recently, needed some serious help. Kim kicked him out again for smoking a cigarette, he moves back in with MIL in January. He's getting his condition under control, and DH is agonizing over his brother's situation. He loves his brother, and it's been really hard to watch him over these 6.5 years. He's grown, he's attended some college classes and worked really hard, almost always full time, but there are always set backs and they almost always are Kim's fault: falling for a craigslist scam and giving a stranger $1000; going to the ER for a panic attack because of a bad day at work and racking up a huge bill; leaving full time jobs to work part time at low paying positions. DH feels like he deserves a partner that won't seek to divide him against his family, won't kick him out when he most needs help, will be motivated to be a more equal partner and step up and get full time work, get a GED so that she can get better jobs. The other part pressing on DH to have a conversation with BIL is that I'm pregnant, due in May. Despite not seeing her since July, Kim thinks she'll be an 'auntie,' watching the baby, etc. However, we don't even want her around. She's not vaccinated, does not take care of herself or her dog, stresses me out, etc. She's still silent treating my dear MIL, who I have a great relationship with. Anyway, DH wants BIL to know how he feels, that he's worried, that we're always there for him, but that we don't want Kim around the baby, and we really don't support his relationship. (They had told us we'd be in the wedding party when they got engaged. We want nothing to do with it at this point. Isn't standing with them expressing support?) It's felt like a deception over the last 6 months especially that BIL doesn't know that we really don't care for Kim and think she's not good for him.
So we had a sit down with BIL, DH told BIL that he wasn't going to like what DH had to say, but it needed to be said. DH told him how he feels about BIL, what he's observed, what he thinks a good partner looks like, how he's worried about their future, and that as of now Kim isn't welcome to come over after the baby comes. BIL is understandably defensive. DH tried to make very clear that he was not telling BIL he had to do anything or take any action, that this was about BIL knowing how DH felt about the whole thing, and about how DH loves him too much to just ignore BILs crappy situation. I was there, I said very little. I just wanted to support and we thought BIL should know we stand together. I did say something along the lines of, "Your partner doesn't have to be best friends with your family, you know, it's not a requirement of your relationship, but it's unfair that she treats your mother like she does and puts you in this situation. There is a middle ground of being civil, and it never includes 13 months of the silent treatment with the occasional hateful email." When he left, we thought it was pretty amicable. After one night of BIL and Kim talking it over, though, every thing is all twisted and BIL tells us he is bringing Kim over to tell her side of the story the next night. Honestly, we were exhausted from the first conversation - I felt hung over and baby barely moved for awhile, so I realized the stress was physically not possible for me - and there was nothing more to say. And nothing to say to her. My DH just told him, "Actions speak louder than words, I don't need to hear anymore more excuses about why she's done the things she has. This is between you and her, and there really is nothing you owe me or need to do for me. You know how I feel now, that was the point. If she'd like to make a change actually be a part of the family, it's on her to sit down with MIL." BIL says that DH doesn't care about his feelings, then. Not it at all, we know he loves her, there's just nothing more to argue about, not with Kim after all this time. We've received some VMs from BIL. Then we received a demand on FB from Kim that we call her. We didn't. We don't want to communicate with her. Then, we received a long, long message on FB from her just a few nights ago, telling us we tricked BIL, told him we wanted to talk about family (no) and she should have been there (no). She took what he told her we said, twisted it further, and threw it back at us. In 4 pages, I still don't know what she wants. There's a lot of, "No one in BILs has ever supported him or me." (What?!)
SO!
1. I want to just BH everything from Kim. Is this a good idea?
2. What about BIL? BH that too? Does DH reiterate, in a short letter, the point of the talk?
3. This is a weird one: After our wedding in 2010, she friended a bunch of our extended family and our friends on FB. She met these people once, has never seen them again. We are preparing to CO FB contact with her, but what about my aunt 2000 miles away? My cousins? Our friends? Can we ask them to consider unfriending her, based on our situation - tell them we are trying to limit her contact into our personal lives? We worry about baby pictures and statuses. Already seen her 'stalking' my cousins updates relating to me and baby... (I hate FB for this! I spoke to a friend about how awkward it made me feel and why, she agreed; she's still friends with Kim. They never interact. I don't get it!) She's posting a bunch of PA stuff that relates to us now, I worry there will soon be names attached and holy shit, I don't want to drag family and friends into this cluster.
So, there's my novel. I thank you for reading this far. If you can give it to me straight, about any chunk of this, DH and I would welcome some outside perspective.