I've been dealing with over 12 years of crap with my ils and dh. Dh and I have made progress, but it has been very slow going.
I do have some background but the gist of it is: because I was raised in a toxic family environment, when dh and I got together, I thought his family was the norm. I tried for years to get them to accept me, but they still hung onto a relationship with his ex girlfriend. Mil has said some really messed up stuff to me, of course when dh wasn't around. They dumped the ex when I became pregnant and decided to try to thoroughly climb up my butt. So much so that that they moved from SoCal to WA state, into our house with no jobs and huge financial burdens.
At this point, they are in their own house.
Where we are now: LC with dh helping fil on house projects and fil help dh occasionally.
In August or September of last year, dh and I sat down and really talked it out and evaluated what kind of relationship we wanted to have with the oils and how we could possibly get there. He wanted to have a sit down talk and lay it out to them, yet again. I was hesitant because we've had many talks and they just placated us and pretended to be more respectful.
We outlined everything he would talk about and what we wanted: remorse, no blame shifting, no excuses, no blowing off what was being said. I sent dh by himself because I wanted no part of the shitfest. He was happy with the results. In him retelling me the conversation, I saw several red flags.
I wasn't so willing to let bury everything. Despite dh saying they showed remorse during the talk, they has not shown it to me and kind of tip toed around me. Mil tried, very weakly, once, for me to call her to set up a time to have a sit down. I did not take her up on it because sit downs don't work with them. They have had several opportunities to show some remorse and change, but they haven't.
Just recently, dh helped his parents move furniture into their new house. Ods was with him. While mil was alone with dos, she told him that they had a room, just for my boys, for when they spend the night. Them having any alone time with them is off the books, let alone overnights.
I became irate when my son, excitedly, told me that. Dh thought I was over reacting. I just want to be done until they can stop acting entitled. I told dh that I'm tired of arguing with him about his parents and we need to place the burden of them changing on their shoulders and let them figure out how to act like respectful, supportive grandparents and ils. Until they figure it out, me and the kids are done. He can have any kind of relationship he wants with them. But in him doing so, they will think he doesn't have a problem with their ass hole behaviours, it's just me and that can be damaging to our marriage.
Next time dh gets a text from them about us going to their house, dh wants to respond with a: we will not be seeing you again until you can fix things with MistressB.
On one hand I want them to know that they need to respect me and me and the kids are a package deal. Another part of me wants them to see dh and I as a united front.
What do you guys think?
I do have some background but the gist of it is: because I was raised in a toxic family environment, when dh and I got together, I thought his family was the norm. I tried for years to get them to accept me, but they still hung onto a relationship with his ex girlfriend. Mil has said some really messed up stuff to me, of course when dh wasn't around. They dumped the ex when I became pregnant and decided to try to thoroughly climb up my butt. So much so that that they moved from SoCal to WA state, into our house with no jobs and huge financial burdens.
At this point, they are in their own house.
Where we are now: LC with dh helping fil on house projects and fil help dh occasionally.
In August or September of last year, dh and I sat down and really talked it out and evaluated what kind of relationship we wanted to have with the oils and how we could possibly get there. He wanted to have a sit down talk and lay it out to them, yet again. I was hesitant because we've had many talks and they just placated us and pretended to be more respectful.
We outlined everything he would talk about and what we wanted: remorse, no blame shifting, no excuses, no blowing off what was being said. I sent dh by himself because I wanted no part of the shitfest. He was happy with the results. In him retelling me the conversation, I saw several red flags.
I wasn't so willing to let bury everything. Despite dh saying they showed remorse during the talk, they has not shown it to me and kind of tip toed around me. Mil tried, very weakly, once, for me to call her to set up a time to have a sit down. I did not take her up on it because sit downs don't work with them. They have had several opportunities to show some remorse and change, but they haven't.
Just recently, dh helped his parents move furniture into their new house. Ods was with him. While mil was alone with dos, she told him that they had a room, just for my boys, for when they spend the night. Them having any alone time with them is off the books, let alone overnights.
I became irate when my son, excitedly, told me that. Dh thought I was over reacting. I just want to be done until they can stop acting entitled. I told dh that I'm tired of arguing with him about his parents and we need to place the burden of them changing on their shoulders and let them figure out how to act like respectful, supportive grandparents and ils. Until they figure it out, me and the kids are done. He can have any kind of relationship he wants with them. But in him doing so, they will think he doesn't have a problem with their ass hole behaviours, it's just me and that can be damaging to our marriage.
Next time dh gets a text from them about us going to their house, dh wants to respond with a: we will not be seeing you again until you can fix things with MistressB.
On one hand I want them to know that they need to respect me and me and the kids are a package deal. Another part of me wants them to see dh and I as a united front.
What do you guys think?