We live across an ocean and a fifteen hour flight from my MIL (just moved in summer 2013). Prior to the international move, we lived on opposite coasts.
Last Spring, before we even moved or knew what our housing set up would be in our new city, my MIL planned a 17 day trip to our new destination. She said those were the only tickets available to upgrade to business class because "she won't go in coach." She e-mailed both me and my husband the day I came home from the hospital after having my son via c-section to tell us of her plans. DH lost it. He told her to cancel the tickets. She protested and said she and FIL would take a four or five day trip to a neighboring country during their visit with us to break things up a bit. She also lied to DH and said I approved the 17 day extravaganza. He says there is no way I approved the trip (my MIL drives me insane) and said nope, sorry not going to happen.
So, I get another e-mail the day after (I'm home from having my son via c-section exactly two days). It is this sob story e-mail to me (not DH) about how mean DH is and that she went ahead and cancelled the tickets and lost a bunch of money and she'll just have to wait to see the grandkids until next year. I'm on some serious pain meds and not thinking clealry. I'm hormonal from just having given birth. DH was out with my two oldest children. I call her up all upset telling her she didn't have to cancel the tickets and that they could still come. She says "OH, I didn't cancel the tickets." She totally manipulated me. Completely my fault. I should have made her cancel the tickets and had DH stand firm. BUT, I was a hormonal doped up mess and she knew it and exploited it.
So, her and FIL come for the trip. All of a sudden, the four to five day vacation they were going to take while visiting us "became too expensive" and they did an overnight to a nearby city instead. They did stay in a hotel across the street while here but they came over every day for hours and we ate every meal together. We got our household shipment the week they arrived and my MIL sat on my couch looking at her iPad while myself, DH, FIL and our movers unpacked 150 boxes. At 4 pm sharp her activity level increased from looking at her iPad to looking at her iPad and drinking wine while chaos took place around her.
The trip was pretty typical. She annoyed the crap out of me. She is my BEC. 17 days felt like a year. I told DH never again.
So she starts planning her next trip a month after they leave us. We tell her no more than 8 days. She tells us she can only find business class upgrades for a 13 day stay but says they will go somewhere for a weekend while visiting (they are again staying in a hotel). She books the tickets and then tells us "I don't think we'll have time to plan a few days away." So pretty much she again ignored us and is staying for exactly however long she wants. I also call shenanigans on business class award availability as I found two seats in business class no problem.
I told DH yesterday that they are no longer to visit us multiple times per year. That they are allowed to come for one week (knowing that this will be ignored and will likely be longer). He says we should allow multiple visits but keep them to one week. I argue that we tried to limit visits and it does not work. She does whatever she wants anyway. She must think that because she is staying (and paying for ) in a hotel she can dictate to us her visit schedule.
She arrives for the 13 day trip this week. I'm dreading it (as I dread all her visits). Because we don't live close, I end up spending more than 10 percent of my year entertaining her. My DH says he will take time off work but never does as he also has trouble being around her. I'm losing my mind.
So, my plan is to tell them this trip (via DH) that they are welcome to come for one visit per year for one week. Although DH isn't totally on board thinking "next time" she'll respect our wishes, I know he will do as I ask. If he wants his mooommmy to come more than that, I will not be available for a visit. Which means he WILL have to take time off from work to entertain her as I refuse.
Basically, I will make myself and my children available for one visit. I think that is being generous. I just know she will insist that she can come when she wants because she is spending the money to stay in a hotel.
Any support or advice, BTDT insight in appreciated. Anyone else dealing with overseas inlaws? I think I'd see her less if we lived in the same town!