I will start with some background: My mom has a brother who is married with 2 grown children, one of which is married and has 3 children of her own (2 in college, the youngest in elementary school still), his other daughter is not married nor does she have children. It seems irrelevant, but I'll go back to that. I was adopted, so I'm youngest of all of us by close to 20 years I'm actually closer in age to my cousins children that are in college and was "raised with them." My mom and dad are a lot older - old enough to have grandkids that are in highschool. Growing up we were a VERY close family - even close in proximity with all of us living within a block of eachother, including my grandmother (my mom's mom) right across the street! Every holiday, birthday, baptism, communion, confirmation, baby shower, bridal shower, etc was spent together almost always at my grandmother's house unless of course it was a graduation party where there were too many people for the house to hold. I grew up very close to my uncle, his wife, and their kids and grandkids and even their extended family. I NEVER thought it would change....until it did.
I was in highschool when I started to notice how manipulative my aunt and uncle could be. I voiced to my mother my opinions on certain issues that were playing out and my mom and dad always told me I was over reacting, etc. Most of the time I let it go, but I was starting to realize that they just weren't the people I always thought they were. Nothing really changed, I just think I started noticing their attitudes more and just didn't favor them.
When I was pregnant with my son (2007-2008), things started heating up a bit. Apparently my mom didn't call my uncle right away and tell him that I was pregnant therefore causing some senseless drama and some "hurt feelings" but it blew over. My mom planned an amazing baby shower for me and I was so excited. My aunt and uncle had an extended family member who was due the same time I was and her shower was the week before mine at the same place. During "general conversation" after her shower, my aunt comments on the food to my mom and complains about everything. Whatever...my mom let it go and told me not to worry about it as we knew that the food there was not nearly "bad" she's just the kind of person who has to have everything "perfect." The show went on and my day was great!
About 2 years later my grandmother gets sick and the real trouble begins. Basically NO ONE in the family helps take care of my grandmother except for me, my mom, my dad, and DH. My uncle is in a lot better shape then my mother and is RETIRED with nothing to do, his one daughter lives around the corner from my grandmother with her husband and 3 kids I mentioned earlier, his other daughter lives with a friend and has no responsibilities what so ever but not a soul steps up to help and it's all left up to my mom who is 71 years old and ends up having to pack her stuff up and move in with my grandmother while still teaching high school Chemistry and Physics every day of the week. My father who is a bit younger owns his own Land Surveying company by day and also picked up a night shift at the local grocery store for a few hours a week to help pay for my graduate school. My husband and 5 year old son and I live over 10-15 minutes away but still manage to make it over there to help my mom with everything at least 4 days a week, yet my cousin who lives around the corner and has 4 able bodied adults under her roof can't manage to even make it on Christmas. I'm sure you can all sense my hostility. Long story short, I have voiced my opinion of this being ridiculous and them needing to help a little more, but all I ever got was an argument. My grandmother may have Dementia, but she sure knows who is there and who isn't. Ever since this started (back around 2010) there has been some resentment from my mom towards her brother and his family for leaving everything up to her. It's been obvious and my mom has also spoken about this, so needless to say there aren't many holidays spent together anymore.
I am now 30 weeks pregnant with a little girl, due June 19th! I have seen my uncle twice since being pregnant, his daughter at least 3 or 4 times from running into her around the area at Target and such, but have not seen his wife. Well, his wife received my Baby Shower invitation today and I got a phone call that went like this...
"Hi Prettybabies36, I received your invitation can you please call me back"
So I called back..
"Hi Aunt B, I got your message"
"Yes hun, um, I got an invitation in the mail for a Baby Shower, how far along are you? When are you due?"
"I am actually 30 weeks today...I have 10 weeks to go but I'm only counting on about 8 weeks left because you never know (laughing)"
"Oh, well WE (meaning my uncle and her) didn't know you were even pregnant. This is coming as a HUGE shock to us"
I was silent for a while because I knew where this was headed, so she says,
"YOUR MOM NEVER CALLED TO TELL US YOU WERE PREGNANT! AND IT REALLY HURTS OUR FEELINGS"...sound familiar???
"Well, Aunt B, I'm sorry to disagree with you about that but there is no way possible that you did NOT know that I was pregnant. Grandma always talks about it when Uncle C calls and I just ran into your daughter 3 days ago. She has also known that I am pregnant since I found out as did Uncle C, not to mention the few times I ran into him and he asked me how I was feeling, etc. I'm not sure how you can even say that you and Uncle C did not know I was pregnant."
"Well like I said, your mother never caaaaaalled us to tell us anything and your father didn't have the courtesy to do so either."
"Well, I was not aware of the fact that when I became pregnant my parents should have put up a bill board. In addition, we never see you guys you didn't even come over for Christmas this year, we went to your Daughter's daughter's graduation party and you and Uncle C said 'hi' and that was about it. Not to mention that my mom still works full time and now comes home to take care of YOUR HUSBAND'S MOTHER AND YOUR MOTHER IN LAW wiht absolutely no help. Next time, I'll make sure she finds the time to pick up the phone and call you herself. I would appreciate it if you did NOT blame this on my mother and stop the bullshit because you know as well as anyone else that I was pregnant and you know for a damn fact that all you're trying to do is stir the pot since you don't care enough to ever visit and we all know that you could care less if you got a call about me being pregnant. Please disregard your invitation if you plan on coming and ruining it for my mother by making her feel bad that she didn't call you the moment I POAS. I hope this senseless drama doesn't continue any longer, it's getting old. I have to go now."
And I hung up.
I drive to my Moms to find out that she actually talked to my uncle maybe 5 minutes after that conversation and HE DID NOT SAY A WORD about it.
Call me crazy, but I cannot help but feel bad about un-inviting them. I live for my grandmother and she is a very important person in my life and she loves all her family. She knows who is there for her and who isn't but if she finds out about me uninviting them it will break her heart. She doesn't want to see us fight, but that's what it's come to these days. I know I did the right thing for me, but am I justified for feeling this way for my grandma's sake? I don't want them at the shower, but I feel like in my grandma's eyes I should be the bigger person and call and apologize and then it's on them, not me. I even actually hesitated to invite them to begin with, but I did it for the sake of my grandmother not having to witness another fall out between family members. Is there anything I should do? I have a backbone, and it's a strong one, but I would rather NOT have a backbone if it means my grandmother is mad at me, if you know what I mean. I am just a little confused!