First - THANK YOU ALL! You all have really opened my eyes.
It just hit DH and I that MIL is a N and FIL is an enabler of her behavior. DH is struggling with this realization. We would appreciate any tips, online boards or books to read, etc. to help DH deal with his feelings. I've discussed counseling but he doesn't want to go. MIL spent his entire childhood conditioning him so he is having trouble breaking free of the guilt for not chasing after her and calling, visiting, etc.
Background (if it helps): "Everyone" loves MIL and she is very popular in the local community (teacher, head of teacher's union, leader in her church). DH was not very close to his mom. As a teenager he realized she was off her rocker and distanced himself. We became enmeshed for a few years (death of his sibling), then moved across the country. For the next 5 years, they never called or visited us until the first baby was born. Then the typical BSC-ness ensued (5 visits the first year, mailed monthly presents for the baby). During the next 3 years, the visits quickly decreased. ILs have never called us in the 10 years since we moved across country, but DH and I would call them individually at least once a week.
Her behavior: MIL says cutting things to DH with a faint smile and a "haha" look on her face like she is joking. DH calls her out on it half the time, and she gets all butthurt and leaves the room. MIL needs constant positive reinforcement and attention. MIL thinks she is brilliant and FIL has to constantly feed her comments about how smart she is ("wow what an intelligent really great point", "your mom is one smart cookie", that kind of stuff). MIL brags nonstop to her friends about how "brilliant" her son and grandchildren are because they got her genes, but when she talks to DH she nit picks about what he is doing with his life. DH quit his job years ago to be a SAHD, which he loves. He is the most amazing dad and husband. It's pretty obvious that MIL is disappointed in DH and it pisses me off. MIL is super critical of how DH looks, behaves, and what other's see. She doesn't care about what HE thinks or feels, just about what OTHERS see him as.
It's been awhile, but I started re-lurking on this board and decided to google narcissists after reading other posts on N characteristics, and seeing a similarity to MIL's behaviors. Holy crap- MIL appears to have NPD. I talked with DH and explained about NDP and he is so relieved. For years DH thought deep down inside that HE was the problem and if he was a better son, more attentive to her, etc., she would respond with love. Yeah right. Describing NPD to DH is really helping him break free of her emotional hold. At this same time, it hit DH that his dad is an enabler and lets her get away with it. FIL never calls or visits, and never says anything to MIL when she cuts DH down. DH felt so close to FIL and feels crushed.
I stopped all contact. The more I read about Ns the more it hits me that she could infect and hurt my children like she did DH. That is not acceptable. I am washing my hands of her, and that includes the kids.
DH has put them on LC. He went from calling 1-2 times a week to once every other week, then once a month. Now he calls them every 6-8 weeks. He is not ready for a TO or CO. The ILs still never call, and MIL acts all dramatic when DH does call her. Last time, MIL actually said "OMG we were SO worried about you and thought you were dead." Jesus woman.
So- tips? Books? Advice? Past threads I should search for? We are looking for anything on how to deal with Ns.
Thanks in advance!