First of all I am a longtime lurker and have learned so much from you ladies so thank you for that! I decided to finally post because with easter and mothers day coming up I am wondering if I should just let everything go and try to have some sort of relationship with my fmil.
BG is long I am sorry but wanted to make sure I gave all the information about what I have gone through with this woman. Before I had my dd in July I never had a problem with fmil. Looking back I think this might have been because I we didn't spend much time with her just visiting on holidays and every once in awhile even though she only lives 10 min away. There wasnt an issue between her and df or anything, he is just not a mamas boy and doesnt feel the need to talk to her all the time which I thought was GREAT! Anyway ff to July and I have dd. I am breastfeeding at this point and like everyone it was hard the first few days before my milk came in. Well she kept calling saying dd was crying because she was starving and we needed to give her formula. I would just ignore but it started to annoy me. When dd was about 5 days old I had to go back to the emergency room for high blood pressure, fmil and ffil come to get dd and she says to df(I wasnt in room) that we dont have to worry about a thing because she has formula at home. WTF woman, who just goes out and buys formula when you know dd is breastfed?! Anyway df flips on her and says no formula Snicks is going to try to pump. I end up being in er for 6 hours and unable to pump and dd needed to eat so we decided df would go to fmil house and bring some formula that WE had as back up and feed her. df feeds dd a little and then she seemed not very hungry so df told fmil that if dd started crying to give her rest but otherwise to wait for me. fmil gets up right in front of him and starts to feed dd the rest of the bottle! well of course df looses it and they have a big blowup. fmil tells him that we are being ridiculous and that we are starving her. Df tells her that it is not up to her to decide and that we are the parents(he's awesome right). fMil then says that if she doesnt agree with what we have decided then she will just wait until we leave and do what she thinks is best. I am livid when hearing this and df and fmil dont speak for two weeks. Well of course then it is rugswept and everyone acts like nothing happened. Problem is now I don't trust her and never want to leave dd with her. FF to when I go back to work. fMil had offered to watch dd when I went back to work and we thought it was great at the time which was before dd was born. Well now everyone else is acting like everything is fine and I am a stressed out mess because I dont trust her. It was always very awkward dropping dd off at her house. She would grab her from me, saying "hows my baby?" ugh, then giving me all kinds of advice that I didn't agree with so I would just smile and nod. Because I didnt trust fmil i was very sensitive to anything that she did and would complain to df all the time. Then right before thanksgiving i just get home from work and df says "mom and i have decided to feed dd 6 oz instead of 5oz every bottle." Not a huge deal i know but i was po'd. First of all you and your mother are not going to make decisions without me. so i ask df why and he says well because fmil has been feeding her 6 oz for the last couple of weeks. now I'm livid. not only does the woman not respect me enough to ask me before she changes my childs feeding schedule, she can't even communicate to me so that we're all on the same page. Here I was waking the poor child out of a dead sleep around 10 every night because Im paranoid she is not getting enough food because she is sleeping through her last feeding when come to find out she probably didnt want it because she was eating more during the day. I mean how can fmil not understand how that makes me feel. I already only see dd for 5 hours max during the day because of work and now I don't even know what she eats. What when we go to the doctor and doctor asks how much she is eating am I just supposed to be like oh here let me call fmil she knows that?!?!
The next day I drop dd off and say to fmil that it is very important to me to know what is going on with my child and to be the one to make decisions involving her and unfortunately the only way for that to happen is if i control everything so I was going to leave all of dd bottles premade and take the cannister of formula with me. (I stopped BF at two months when I went back to work) A point for the record, I was very respectful when I told fmil this. I was to the point and matter of fact, but I was not mean. Not a half an hour goes by and I get a yelling phone call fmil is in full temper tantrum mode telling me that I am psycho, that df and I are psycho parents that grossly underfeed our child, that I am a psycho that doesnt let dd see my foo(completely seperate issue he is not a nice man). fMil then tells me that she doesnt like me because she cant like someone that has a problem feeding their child. Also that it is ok if she doesnt like me that she can still watch dd. Im thinking actually no thats going to be a problem. I dont say anything just take dd home and call df who then gets into another blowup with her and tells fmil that he doesnt understand why she cant just keep her mouth shut and enjoy dd and respect us as parents. We of course find someone else to watch dd and an email battle ensues between df and fmil for the next couple of weeks. Just a bunch of back and forth pointing fingers with her not actually ever admitting she did anything wrong or apologizing and even going as far as to say that she is not going to apologize for what she said to me. We did not see her for thanksgiving or christmas which of course she cried about to all other members of the family but everyone stayed out of it thank goodness. fMil didn't see dd for a coupld of months because I told df that I was not comfortable with dd being alone with her and he was upset with her and just didnt want to see her. We were not intentionally just keeping her granddaughter from her df just didnt feel like being around her. Anyway come end of February after fmil consistantly posts on dbil about how she misses her granddaughter she finally posts a gem about how horrible and toxic we are because we are harming dd by not letting her see fmil. that she should have seen it coming because she cant get along with her sons "baby mama" Then her "friends" comment about how df should seriously consider his relationship with me if I could treat is mom this way. Of course fmil agrees with her. The whole thread was completely disrespectful and df again blew up on her, we blocked her as well as several other people just so we wouldnt have to see her crap that she posts. Again arguement ensues for a couple of weeks and then it gets to the current state of things. df will bring dd over once or twice a month for an hour or so. I rarely think about her because she is blocked on dbil and I can co from her in any other way. She hasnt reached out to me.
I apologize for long bg but here is my question for you ladies. Should I rugsweep with the rest of them and attempt to have a relationship with this woman since my df has always defended me and is completely on my side. If anything were to come up I could just shut it down at the time. It bothers me that fmil hasnt admitted any wrongdoing and hasnt apologized but I am realizing that that is probably never going to happen. I seriously did nothing to this woman other than not allow her to control my child and I feel like I shouldnt have to be the one to bite the bullet but I think that that is the only way to move forward. Thanks in advance for any input:)