Due to the circumstance of us gaining custody of our ds, I do try to avoid a ton of family visits until we establish better boundaries but there was event yesterday important enough I felt I couldn't miss for my uncle. It was at a buffet restaurant and there was a room rented. 50+ people, kids and adults.
I'm strict and regimented with ds, I know this but it's what he needs and he functions well with it.
This was on the opposite side of the family as ds came from so I thought no harm could come but I left there infuriated and had to keep myself from causing a scene.
We were sitting at the table with ds, whom we now have permanent full custody of, and some cousins who I'm very close with. I went to get ds plate and he was seated fine, I come back and DHs leaving and he says my mom picked him up so he could eat. I told dh that he'd be difficult to reseat now and he said he didn't think about that but your mom just grabbed him and did not ask. I don't fault DH, I don't expect him to confront my family and he doesn't think ahead to every behavior like I do.
So I go in, put his plate down and get ds, get him seated. He's pointing to his toys that are back in the diaper back and whining. I say no, it time to eat. My aunt comes over and starts hugging him, baby talking (I hate when people baby talk to him) and trying to convince him to eat. I say "you're making it worse, he doesn't need a hug because he isn't getting his toys, he needs to eat." She ignored me and then goes to pick him. I say "no he needs to eat leave him seated" she ignores me. I threw my hands in the air exasperated and said "seriously, I said no." Everyone that's at the table is basically staring at her like wtf. She keeps trying to convince him why he should eat and he's whining and starting to cry because he's not dumb, he sees it's working on her. I look at get and say "put him down, you're making it worse" she does and guess what? Now He's screaming. Ds needs,structure, consistancy and firmness. If he doesn't get it then that's when tantrums happen. I get him calmed down but now he wants nothing on the first plate except for grapes and he's trying to get people he doesn't know to pick him up.
I keep telling him no and then tell DH I'm gonna try some different foods. My mom says she'll take him while I go, she's at a different table. And I say no he needs to stay seated or he won't want to sit back down. I tell DH to watch him and look at her and say he better be at the table when I get back. I go and come back, he's seated but his chair is turned around facing moms table and he's playing with balloons. So of course he doesn't want to turn around. I went off a little loudly and said "seriously, I said to keep him at the table I'm the parent and what I say goes, I don't appreciate this" then I turned him back around and he starts to cry I turned around to mom and say "see this is your fault, I told you no, you did this" and I sat and seethed. She said well he's full and I turned and snap no he's no he only ate 4 grapes. Once I got him calmed down he did eat off the second plate because it was his go to foods. I had gotten a few things for him to try on the first plate and normally he would've tried them but everything that happened through it off.
Later mom said to Gabriel "your moms mad at me because you wanted something" and I said "no I'm mad because you didn't listen to what I said"
I asked DH what happened and he said she just turned the chair around. I asked why he let her and he said because it's your family. You always tell mr to deal with mine. And I said but when it comes to Gabriel if your not present I will speak up and he said well it was just uncomfortable and a room full if your family. He said I whispered to your cousin "Nichole's gonna be pissed, it might get ugly" but I didn't feel comfortable saying anything. I'm not mad at him at all, I get that was an incredibly awkward moment for him so although I would have been happier if he'd have stopped it, I get why he did what he did.
I can't avoid every special event until ds is older because I do have some things that are coming up that are important to me. Like this party, it wasn't my uncle faults my mom and aunt were d-bags.
What, if anything, should I have done differently? How do I approach a conversation with my mom?
Edited to fix a typo and autocorrect errors and to add background: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a46996903/possible_triggers_custody_of_my_cousins_child._updates_568_10_17?cpg=19&pd=-1
I'm strict and regimented with ds, I know this but it's what he needs and he functions well with it.
This was on the opposite side of the family as ds came from so I thought no harm could come but I left there infuriated and had to keep myself from causing a scene.
We were sitting at the table with ds, whom we now have permanent full custody of, and some cousins who I'm very close with. I went to get ds plate and he was seated fine, I come back and DHs leaving and he says my mom picked him up so he could eat. I told dh that he'd be difficult to reseat now and he said he didn't think about that but your mom just grabbed him and did not ask. I don't fault DH, I don't expect him to confront my family and he doesn't think ahead to every behavior like I do.
So I go in, put his plate down and get ds, get him seated. He's pointing to his toys that are back in the diaper back and whining. I say no, it time to eat. My aunt comes over and starts hugging him, baby talking (I hate when people baby talk to him) and trying to convince him to eat. I say "you're making it worse, he doesn't need a hug because he isn't getting his toys, he needs to eat." She ignored me and then goes to pick him. I say "no he needs to eat leave him seated" she ignores me. I threw my hands in the air exasperated and said "seriously, I said no." Everyone that's at the table is basically staring at her like wtf. She keeps trying to convince him why he should eat and he's whining and starting to cry because he's not dumb, he sees it's working on her. I look at get and say "put him down, you're making it worse" she does and guess what? Now He's screaming. Ds needs,structure, consistancy and firmness. If he doesn't get it then that's when tantrums happen. I get him calmed down but now he wants nothing on the first plate except for grapes and he's trying to get people he doesn't know to pick him up.
I keep telling him no and then tell DH I'm gonna try some different foods. My mom says she'll take him while I go, she's at a different table. And I say no he needs to stay seated or he won't want to sit back down. I tell DH to watch him and look at her and say he better be at the table when I get back. I go and come back, he's seated but his chair is turned around facing moms table and he's playing with balloons. So of course he doesn't want to turn around. I went off a little loudly and said "seriously, I said to keep him at the table I'm the parent and what I say goes, I don't appreciate this" then I turned him back around and he starts to cry I turned around to mom and say "see this is your fault, I told you no, you did this" and I sat and seethed. She said well he's full and I turned and snap no he's no he only ate 4 grapes. Once I got him calmed down he did eat off the second plate because it was his go to foods. I had gotten a few things for him to try on the first plate and normally he would've tried them but everything that happened through it off.
Later mom said to Gabriel "your moms mad at me because you wanted something" and I said "no I'm mad because you didn't listen to what I said"
I asked DH what happened and he said she just turned the chair around. I asked why he let her and he said because it's your family. You always tell mr to deal with mine. And I said but when it comes to Gabriel if your not present I will speak up and he said well it was just uncomfortable and a room full if your family. He said I whispered to your cousin "Nichole's gonna be pissed, it might get ugly" but I didn't feel comfortable saying anything. I'm not mad at him at all, I get that was an incredibly awkward moment for him so although I would have been happier if he'd have stopped it, I get why he did what he did.
I can't avoid every special event until ds is older because I do have some things that are coming up that are important to me. Like this party, it wasn't my uncle faults my mom and aunt were d-bags.
What, if anything, should I have done differently? How do I approach a conversation with my mom?
Edited to fix a typo and autocorrect errors and to add background: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a46996903/possible_triggers_custody_of_my_cousins_child._updates_568_10_17?cpg=19&pd=-1