SO wants to take LO for visits to SO's family without me for an hour. SO says its an hour and I can survive. That in a perfect world I would be welcome at SO's family house but with the way I've been that I am not and in time I will be welcome again. But his family needs time to get over it and SO is the father and he is allowed to take LO whereever he wants as his father. That I need to deal with it and get over it. That I will be going back to work soon so I need to learn how to be able to be away from LO even longer. SO's family feel like i'm keeping LO from them, that I've ruined everyone's experience with LO. That everyone's scared to even ask to see LO because they don't want SO and I to fight over it, and i'm ruining everyone's time with LO when they just want to love him.
How do I get SO to realize it is wrong to take LO anywhere without me and that SO's priority should be working on us and not his family (mainly his mother, she hovers and no one can hold him without her in their face) seeing LO. I wish I posted long ago, but I couldn't get it out without ranting. I feel so powerless. Please help.
Bg (sorry I don't know how to keep it from being an angry rant): LO is 2.5 months old. SO and I live in our own place for 5 months, previously in SO's parents basement (big mistake that is haunting me and thrown in my face) SO and I have always had a rocky relationship of 2.5 years. SO's mom has been way too involved in SO's life and our relationship. SO's mom and I have had an okay relationship despite her bad advice to SO, my unicorn even sent her flowers on SO's birthday to thank her for being so wonderful. Things turned south when we found out I was pregnant. She would harrass me about my prenatal appointments. Asking when they were constantly, daily, harassing me for details before I even get out of the appointment, asking for more details like I left something out. This would continue when she got home from work and then daily until my next appointment. My unicorn kept saying she just so excited for her oldest to have her first grandchild. My unicorn thought it'd be nice to include and share as much as possible, and told her our boy and girl name options. She love the girl name and called the boy name not a real name, a dog's name, that I couldn't, and other awful stuff. SO and I loved the boy name and I wanted to try for a boy soon after if we had a girl. We weren't going to find out the sex but SO caved, it was a boy and I was depressed. I kept imagining the rest of my pregnacy even worse and LO's life with this woman's hatefulness towards his name. Of course there was a message on my phone from SO's mom asking for details. SO always told her he didn't want to know so she shouldn't have asked, especially not ask me. We said we didn't find out but she harassed us anyway. Whenever SO left the room she asked me again. Other BEC includes her comments of helping and getting a pack n play for herself when she "steals him for a few hours" so we can go out or sleep or take a break or whatever. We were looking for a place as soon as we found out we were expecting. She said she's trying to figure out where put LO because SHE's not letting LO stay in the basement. She knew about us looking for a place and I made it clear we'd be out before LO arrived. She said she's saving her vacation time in case I get sent back to work before 6 weeks (daycare won't take before 6 weeks) and she has at least 5 days so she will get to keep him for a week. I don't hold an important position so there's no reason they would call me back early, I've already told her I am allowed 12 weeks off unpaid by law. Since the baby, she's referred to me as boobs to my sleeping LO, telling LO he didn't need my boobs at 2 weeks old. At 3 weeks she's telling SO to get necessities like diapers and formula, I'm EBF, she was not able to breastfeed any of her kids, just didn't work out for her. Then she asks me if I plan to EBF for a really really long time. Yes, as long as I can and up to a year. She's made comments how she can't wait to feed him. She found out I pumped so SO could bond and feed LO, and commented now I should pump all the time so I can leave LO for a couple of hours and do whatever I want, because I want couldn't possibly be to spend every second with my LO.
SO have fought everytime I mention SO mother. We fought about how SO needs to concentrate on his family and worry about his family and not what SO's mom wants and her feelings. SO agrees his mom is way too involved and told her to back off and have distance himself, to a degree. I feel like SO also overcompensates to make SO's mom not feel shut out and still feel involve. At some point in my pregnancy SO told his mom to not text me anymore, but she would constantly text him for "any baby news" He's always updated her with any news so its unnecessary for her to ask. She was CBF when SO set her straight about the boy name, she said she was so sorry, cried and said she had no idea we were serious about the name, which is bull. SO eventually confronted her on her recent comments about my boobs and formula and she cried and said she was sorry and when I was ready for her to see LO blah blah. SO would just feel sorry for her and resent me for making her cry. I have never kept SO's mom or the rest of that family from LO. I've said to my own friends and family to not visit if I wasn't up for visitors but SO's family is entitled to once a week regardless of how I feel. I spent two visits crying in a parking lot when SO's parents came to visit, he said it was my own fault because no one said I couldn't be there. I didn't want to hear her comments and be upset and have SO angry because I was upset over his mother again, I didn't want a fight because I was keeping SO's family away from LO. SO's family fills SO's head with thoughts that we won't work out and I will keep LO from SO and his family. I never had any intention and did nothing to warrant that I would ever keep LO away from his father. SO said he never believed I would. SO's mom is just worried about her rights and time with LO and couldn't care less if SO's relationship works out and have his family fall apart. She has mentioned to SO at some point in my pregnancy in our many fights because SO's mom was obsessed with LO that maybe it would be best to just be friends. SO's has painted the picture to SO's mom that I want to keep him from her and SO will never allow that. SO also mentioned to SO's mom that he will manipulate me so she can have watch him some days when I go back to work (we're still on waiting list at daycare, my family works 4 10hrs days with each having a different day off, we were rotating, SO's mom works 5 days) I admit I was wrong regardless of my reasoning to look through SO's phone and his "private messages with his mother" Yet he runs to her every fight and there's no privacy with me.
SO already flipped out at my mention of a TO for his family until we could work on our relationship. SO is in the process of seeking counseling and wants to work on our relationship. He still can't see that it shouldn't be important for his family to see LO and us as family should be what is important. That if his family has ill feelings towards me than they need to work that out before they see LO again.
Things have changed and I lost the upperhand and any power or rights. My mistake that screwed me. SO's dad came to talk to us 3 weeks ago to straighten things out. He let me know he loves me and I'm his family, that if I was done with SO he'd support my decision and I will remain his family, SO realized a lot that talk and wanted to work on us. The following 2 weeks were better, but not great. It was still impossible to talk to him, it was never a good time, he would always get aggitated when I want to talk about anything. That thursday we were talking about a time to set aside to talk and work on us, he kept getting frustrated and angry and I was fed up. I started talking out of my ass nastyly, being unproductive and just making stupid comments on everything (they way he's always been) He apologize and said it was wrong that we had to set aside time to talk and that he was sorry that he made it that way and we should be able to talk at anytime. I was fed up from our whole relationship of never being able to talk and him always getting angry and making me feel like a scumbag for want to ruin us by talking. I didn't say anything to him, I should have, I just don't believe him anymore, too many times of saying he realizes something and wanting to work on us and never do. Friday we didn't talk while he was at work, but I was hopeful, that he really meant it. For whatever insane reason I checked his phone records and saw he was on the phone with his mother for an hour at work. Part of our talk with SO's dad was to say he wouldn't go to his mom anymore and if he needed he'd go to his dad. It was my fault for looking, my fault for misunderstanding. He was angry that I set him up, when he came home I asked if he talked to his parents, he said no. I confronted him about the call to his mom. He lost it, for me invading his privacy, that there was no way I should be able to find out since he called on his work phone, that he didn't tell me because he called her to find him a counselor and he didn't want to tell me until he actually went, that his mom works with doctors and in a building full of doctors. I was furious that he lied, I was furious for thinking that he still didn't mean anything he says he wants to do by going to his mom again, I was furious when he called me ridiculous and a joke (like he always does whenever it comes to his mom, or just any fight), I was furious because I ruined our chances of spending our chance to work on us that weekend(he said he'd listen to some podcasts that wekend I told him a few months ago that those podcasts explained what I was feeling). I asked him to leave, I meant talk a walk, drive, whatever just leave so I can calm down. He took it as move out. He refused unless I called the cops, I called his dad and asked him to get him to leave, I guess SO's dad thought I meant move out too. He said it'll be trouble for me. I lost it, I thought SO's dad was the only one left to have my back (not even my side, just my back) and he turned it on me. I told SO if he wants LO to take him, SO's family kept thinking I was trying to keep SO and his family from him, so take him. SO took him to his parents for the night. I begged SO to bring LO back all night. I never thought he'd take him, I never thought he'd keep him there all night. He came back early morning and said that he shouldn't have, that his parents are furious that he did and he should have kept him for a week. That if he told anyone then they would think he was a bad father for bringing LO back to me. This was last friday, we're still living together, we still want to work it out. He said he won't take LO anywhere on mother's day but he might take LO to his parents on saturday. And he will be taking LO to his parents once every week. We still haven't worked on us, he hasn't made an appointment for the counselor. He said he might listen to them this weekend. He's mentioned that I don't get to act the way I did and have him still do what he said he was going to.
I just feel helpless and angry. SO's mom is the problem and SO has made it an even bigger problem, with encouraging her behavior and telling her she's not wrong I am, for how he's treated me when I would try to talk about it. She has no right to see LO. She needs to work things out with me if she wants to see him. Well, I need to just end it here I'm just ranting at this point.