This is my first time posting, but I've been watching this boards for several months now and have finaly decided to make this post.
I have my big girl panties on, and am ready to accept advice.
BG:
Ever since I was little, my mother has never treated me as my age. During the time of her divorce with my father, She eventually went through Bankrupctsy. During this time, I was around 5 years old with the complete knowledge of the issues with my fathers infedelity, our bankrupctsy issues, and the pending foreclosure of our home. My olders sisters and youngest brother where not informed until the weekend of having to move, that our home was being foreclosed.
After we moved, My mother kept me in the know of our finances, how much money was made, and expected me to stay home alone after school for hours. I rarely saw much of her except on the weekends when she would complain about how much money was made in our household.
Eventually my mother came into some money and at this period of time I was diagnosed with a back problem which I needed surgery at the age of 12. Instead of assisting with my back issues, my mother took the money and fixed my older sisters car. She said it was because my sister bullied her into it, and she expected my father to help with my back problem.
As I grew older, My mother and I grew apart, and I felt extremely alone and distant from her. She eventually met another man while I was in Highschool and decided to move him in extremely soon.
*TRIGGER*
When he moved in, he began sending me sexually charged text messages and making negative suggestions towards me. I immediately let my mother know, and she said “I would handle itâ€. This turned in to her doing absolutely nothing, and siding with him during any argument that him and I would ever have. He eventually moved forward with his suggestions and touched me sexually. I told my Mother and she pulled her normal, “I would handle itâ€, nothing ever ended up happening. He continued to make sexual remarks and advancements to me and my mother never did anything.
*END Trigger*
I ended up assisting my mother in finding a new home with just the two of us under neath of my credit later on, with the stipulations that he would not move in so we could repair our relationship.
I was a doormat, and he ended up moving in with his young son stating they had no where to go. This ended up with us in a major fight where I ended up calling the police and having him removed from the home. This was the first time, that I had ever truly stood up for myself, and didn’t have to ask my mother to handle it.
I told my mother as this was in my name, and I was financially contributing to the home he was not allowed on the property. His young son ended up having to live with us while he was in jail for “previous charges†after I had called the police. Eventually he got out, and removed all of his things from the home.
My mother resented me for weeks, and stated I was the reason she was lonely. I doormated and told her I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I couldn’t live in that environment anymore.
The more we live together, the more I have frustrations that instead of treating me as an adult, my mother has recently treated me as a child. During Highschool I would stay out all hours of the evening and not come home for days without words from my mother. I currently work a full time job, and if I work late my mother will call me asking what I am doing, or what my plans are.
She constantly tells me that “I can’t spend more money†on my niece, after I purchase a large ticket gift for her such as a rock n play, or other gift. This isn’t her money, or her finances and I’ve normally been a terrible door mat and let her walk on me.
After reading this forum, and seeing the advice given to others I’ve tried to grow a spine(not very well). I have told my mother that it was not acceptable for her to put me In such situations, or that I don’t find certain things she does such as treating me as a child acceptable. Her immeadiate response is to either beandip, gas light, or state “Not all that I do is badâ€â€¦no, not everything she does is bad, but it is heavily outweighed by the negative to a point in which I resent her.
I do not enjoy coming home to my own house even though I pay bills and rent.
The issue I’m having with leaving, is my mother is about to have severe hip replacement and knee surgeries on both hips and both knees. I feel horrid about leaving her in the home alone after these surgeries, and do not feel she would be capable of living on her own.
I’m conflicted on what to do. Should I stay with her during her surgery or do I need to grow a spine and move out?