I've lurked for a little bit... but never posted here.
I'm having a few issues with my inlaws that I need help addressing.
DH and I have been married for 6 years and have two children, and another daughter due in December.
They are basically very judgemental...more so my FIL than my MIL. He makes comments about me being a SAHM and how I raise my 4 year old, who has special needs. He makes comments like "so, you stay home all day, and can't even change your son's diaper or feed him by yourself?" (in reference to me having a nurse 25 hours per week to help care for him). Or, "is there a reason you need a tutor to teach him the ABCs?" (in reference to my son having a private academic tutor because his developmental disabilities make it difficult for him to learn information in a typical manner, our tutor is a certified Sped teacher).
He berates me and belittles me in front of people all the time, and I am sick of it. I work really hard, all day long. I care for my son and a 16 month old toddler. The other day, my MIL was putting my daughter in her high chair for lunch. DH had a plate of macaroni salad ready for her (it was a BBQ). I was sitting at the table finishing my lunch, but told MIL I'd be right there to get the baby something to eat. Before I finished chewing that bite, FIL loudly says "so, are you going to get off your ass and feed your kid?" I went off on him. My daughter's bottom had just hit the seat of the high chair, DH was already standing there with noodles for her. It got me absolutely no where. We left right after that happened, and he acted like everything was fine and dandy when I ran into him at our pharmacy a few days later.
My MIL frequently offers to go to medical appointments with me to assist me with the kids while I talk to the doctors. My son sees 13 specialists at this time, and attends 5 private therapy sessions per week and 1 tutoring session. We are super busy, and I welcome the help. She does a lot for me while we are out. EVERY TIME FIL finds out she is attending an appt with me, he asks me if "someone else can go" -- well, DH is working, and I'm estranged from my FOO (have been for about 11 years now, very infrequent contact for very valid reasons and he knows this, as I have been "in their family" for a decade of that time). So not really, and she offered to help. He rolls his eyes and makes it seem like I'm constantly sitting around doing nothing all day while his poor son/wife does all the work. In reality, he has no idea how to even care for his grandson, who is still fully diapered and g tube dependent on lots of medication. He always says "he's fine" and makes comments to make it seem like we are embellishing his medical issues. If he took 10 minutes to research his diagnosis, he'd realize that this is going to be a lifelong, chronic issue for his grandson, and there is no cure or treatment to fix his chromosomes.
They both are making fun of our name choice for our new daughter, who will be named Lillian Rose. The last four times we've seen them, there have been references to how ugly that name is, and that they hate it. They make fun of their nephew's name too behind my SIL's back. It's annoying at best. But I'm starting to get super tired of all the BS I hear every time I run into them.
They live less than 5 minutes away, and therefore, see us all the time. If not by stopping by or us stopping there occaisionally, by just happening to both be grocery shopping or at the post office at the same time (very small town).
Because of this, cutting off full communication is difficult at best...I literally run into them 2-3 times per week just being out and about. I stopped answering my cell phone and texts. I only answer basic questions about how the kids are, or what we are up to. I do allow them to see the kids, but it needs to be supervised by dh or I because they don't know how to take care of ds.
DH has spoken to and written emails to his father in particular stating how his behavior and belittling is unacceptable, and that we will not be coming by as frequently anymore. He defended me and how much I do while he is gone (he has a demanding career). I don't know what else to do. FIL has a habit of saying much of these things out of ear shot from MIL and DH now because they would defend me and tell him he had no idea what he was talking about.
I feel like I'm so stuck because of their proximity to us. My kids adore them, and I feel bad about denying them their grandparents.
I know I'm probably contributing to this, but I don't know what to say or do to just get the point accross that I don't want to hear all the negative BS anymore, or criticism of things they know nothing about...I have stopped accepting MIL's help at appointments for now, I've gone alone the past two times... but it hasn't stopped the comments when I see them.
Any ideas on how I can break this cycle?