To begin, I am not a stranger to therapy. I am sure that in the near future more therapy is to follow, i dont know how but i am wildly aware it needs too. This is very long and a co is inevitable. My question is how to handle keeping contact with gfoo who is very close to dying. If you do not have the time to read loads of triggers and an absolute saga that is to follow this paragraph... then I warn you now. Turn away. It's horrifically long. I can answer questions through out but I wanted to give deets for thorough responses.
This was an update to a friend of mine. I typed it as soon as it had all happened, which was earlier today:
("My alcoholic father...oh man. I barely answer his calls for a fuckin reason. Well I made a poor decision today and answered the phone. He didn't ask how I was, he didn't ask anything about me except how his boy cobra was doing (he doesn't accept the name Barrett). He tells me to tell him grandpa rattles misses him after all he named him. That would almost be funny if the situation wasn't snafu'd like it is. He went on to tell me all about HIS health problems, HIS new gf, HIS life. Told me if I loved him I would bring "the boy" to see him, if I loved him I would go meet his new gf, and if I loved him I would take "the boy" to meet his new gf, who I gathered is also a user as well. He almost dropped in unannounced bc he was "worried about me" since I stopped answering HIS calls. Said that "surely I wasn't ignoring them" (that would be absurd wouldn't it)
Where was daddy when I lived in abuse and neglect? Why didn't he support his children? Why did he never make himself available to answer his phone? Ya...
Today I got hit right in the childhood while I was simply trying to help Lance with some important paperwork. ..you know ...be an adult. I feel raw and depressed. It will pass.
My dad is such a piece of shit. A guy who has been living over there at my grandpa's house (not my dad's as he doesn't have his own house) was kicked out by dad. This guy looked up to my dad as a father figure and as painful as it is for me to admit he was more of a father to him than he was me. Stephen needed my dad. My dad kicked him out so his new gf whom he hooked up with only about a month or so ago could stay there. Dad admitted this patty character has her own house, car, job...ect...and that Stephen didn't get along with her so he kicked him out. My dad has been a father figure to Stephen for over 10+ years. I am just sick. My dad went on to tell me that there is a time when you have to go live life and figure it out for yourself, something he has never done.
I was mostly quiet the whole time on the phone. Dad did some damage today. My grandpa is almost 86 and his health is declining. I can't see him without dad present. I decided today, after shedding a few tears during my litter box chores, that I am never answering his calls again. I am going to grit my teeth through a few visits so grandpa bill can see his great grandson again before he dies and I am cutting my father fully out of my life after that.
I didn't know I was gonna have such a hard day. Damn.") That by itself is sad isn't it? But wait there's more....
So back story:
My dad is a life long user/alcohlic. His parents worked hard for everything. Gmoo died in 2003 @home and gfoo is still alive but declining.
When I was six, I, up to that point had a pretty typical childhood. Mom and dad, I and my two younger brothers all lived in our own home. My dad at this point was a functioning alcoholic and worked whatever job he could to support his family. I think we were on state assistance but it was not really a bad situation for my brothers and I. We were safe, clothed, fed and my mom stayed home and raised us well. My life came to a hault the summer after I turned six.
TRIGGERS* See, my mom had suffered from not just ppd after the birth of my youngest brother, but she suffered from ppp. Post partum psychosis. One tragic day in the end of August that year she decided to end our, her children's, lives. Violently. I suffered head trauma and nearly bled to death. She shot both of my brothers ages 4 years old& 16 months old. My baby brother was doa and my other brother was in critical condition and suffered permanent brain damage but did survive the ordeal. We were life-flighted to the nearest hospitals and ended up in intensive care. I was hospitalized for a month...my brother was in the hospital for a year and endured nine brain surgeries during his stay. END TRIGGER...FOR NOW
On that fateful day, my dad was somewhere doing an odd job. He was pretty notorious for going out with buddies after work or over to his parents for dinner. He never called mom to let her know jack shit. I never knew when he was coming home. He usually did. He was always home just not at routine times. This really played into my mom's mental problems. What happened after that event was just disappointing, disruptive and down right terrible. I was literally a surviving homicide victim. Me. My dad has played the victim card for years. I am not saying he wasn't affected, he was. His actions after the fact were just plain unforgivable.
This is where the second part of his background begins. He left us with his abusive parents. Retired, and full of resentment, his parents would take it out on my now disabled (mentally and physically) brother and I. My dad knew what was going on. He basically abandoned us to go play victim to women and friends while he drank and did drugs. He only came over to his parents house at random times when he needed a place to crash or to use the phone . Gpoo were classic enablers and they were very emotionally and later on physically abusive. I remember days, pleading and begging my dad to come home, buy me school clothes, cook for me ect. I would leave him voicemail after voicemail. He never came when I asked only when it was convenient and never even painted it up as though he was doing something for my brother or I. He would tell everyone a pity story over the phone about his difficult parenting situation but he didn't parent his remaining children.
There is much more .TRIGGER. In 2004, just a year after gmoo passed, my brother drowned as a result of complete negligence and was buried with no grave marker, same as my baby brother. At this point in my life a friend's family stepped in (before db's death) and I was able to finish highschool in a normal family setting. I legally divorced my father and my incarcerated mother in order to do so. My dad actually fought it. Before we had planned to take action to get me the hell out of that awful situation, I asked him if he would fork over custody so I could have a better life. I was thirteen. I pleaded. I told him that clearly custody wasn't something he cared about and I needed a better life. He told me that the abuse was my fault for stressing them out. I was level headed and knew that wasn't true or okay. So I then proceeded to begin my epic journey out on my own and wasn't successful until I was fifteen.
After my db's passing, since i was out of that home then, i co'd my dad and that whole family. After highschool he stalked me and threatened me. I never was able to get a RO, but i came damn close.
After two years of complete silence and a lot of thinking and talking while in therapy, I contacted him for my own closure purposes.
I first confronted my grandfather about the types of abuse I endured. Before I was even able to get all of my words out, gfoo interrupted me to admit his failings, wrong doings, and he said" I have been so wrong, what I did was really bad. I don't expect forgiveness or understanding. I just want you to know these words before I die. You kids deserved better". I took some time and although it didn't right all of the wrongs, I have over the years since, made an occasional visit. I would say for about maybe two hours in a day and at the most 5times a year...typically tho 4 or less.
Gfoo is declining now and as awful as he was, it is still very sad to see the life fading as it is now. I have taken my son over twice so that gfoo could see the only greatgrandchild in existence to him. No boundaries are crossed or stomped. Nothing inappropriate in gfoo's behalf. My dad tho...well it's a huge train wreck.
I resumed contact with my dad after I did so with gfoo. At the time dad/foo wasn't living with gfoo. Contact with foo has been predictably disappointing and painful. I maintain little contact with him and have since I resumed contact. The ball is in my court. The toll alcoholism has taken on him physically and mentally is just sad and fucked up. He has met his only grandchild twice. After his stunt/phone conversation today I am going to have no choice but to CO. He is just to emotionally taxing and plainly put, fucking ridiculous. He is entitled as fuck.
Over the phone today I felt like I was trapped in my awful childhood crap again. So continuing contact is not an option.
I do however wish to take some time to see gfoo who is physically dependant on foo, as he can't walk on his own. I am feeling stuck and I don't know what to do.
Is an immediate CO best? Am I right to delay CO til gfoo's passing?
Also SO and I aren't sure if we should just bh and CO foo or confront an CO. We are worried about what action to take because foo knows where we live and in past the women who catered to him and his victim status would go any distance for him. The woman he was with when he stalked me, drove him everywhere to help him "track me down". He is excellent at nabbing a devoted FM when he needs to.
Thoughts? Personal experience? Advice?
This was an update to a friend of mine. I typed it as soon as it had all happened, which was earlier today:
("My alcoholic father...oh man. I barely answer his calls for a fuckin reason. Well I made a poor decision today and answered the phone. He didn't ask how I was, he didn't ask anything about me except how his boy cobra was doing (he doesn't accept the name Barrett). He tells me to tell him grandpa rattles misses him after all he named him. That would almost be funny if the situation wasn't snafu'd like it is. He went on to tell me all about HIS health problems, HIS new gf, HIS life. Told me if I loved him I would bring "the boy" to see him, if I loved him I would go meet his new gf, and if I loved him I would take "the boy" to meet his new gf, who I gathered is also a user as well. He almost dropped in unannounced bc he was "worried about me" since I stopped answering HIS calls. Said that "surely I wasn't ignoring them" (that would be absurd wouldn't it)
Where was daddy when I lived in abuse and neglect? Why didn't he support his children? Why did he never make himself available to answer his phone? Ya...
Today I got hit right in the childhood while I was simply trying to help Lance with some important paperwork. ..you know ...be an adult. I feel raw and depressed. It will pass.
My dad is such a piece of shit. A guy who has been living over there at my grandpa's house (not my dad's as he doesn't have his own house) was kicked out by dad. This guy looked up to my dad as a father figure and as painful as it is for me to admit he was more of a father to him than he was me. Stephen needed my dad. My dad kicked him out so his new gf whom he hooked up with only about a month or so ago could stay there. Dad admitted this patty character has her own house, car, job...ect...and that Stephen didn't get along with her so he kicked him out. My dad has been a father figure to Stephen for over 10+ years. I am just sick. My dad went on to tell me that there is a time when you have to go live life and figure it out for yourself, something he has never done.
I was mostly quiet the whole time on the phone. Dad did some damage today. My grandpa is almost 86 and his health is declining. I can't see him without dad present. I decided today, after shedding a few tears during my litter box chores, that I am never answering his calls again. I am going to grit my teeth through a few visits so grandpa bill can see his great grandson again before he dies and I am cutting my father fully out of my life after that.
I didn't know I was gonna have such a hard day. Damn.") That by itself is sad isn't it? But wait there's more....
So back story:
My dad is a life long user/alcohlic. His parents worked hard for everything. Gmoo died in 2003 @home and gfoo is still alive but declining.
When I was six, I, up to that point had a pretty typical childhood. Mom and dad, I and my two younger brothers all lived in our own home. My dad at this point was a functioning alcoholic and worked whatever job he could to support his family. I think we were on state assistance but it was not really a bad situation for my brothers and I. We were safe, clothed, fed and my mom stayed home and raised us well. My life came to a hault the summer after I turned six.
TRIGGERS* See, my mom had suffered from not just ppd after the birth of my youngest brother, but she suffered from ppp. Post partum psychosis. One tragic day in the end of August that year she decided to end our, her children's, lives. Violently. I suffered head trauma and nearly bled to death. She shot both of my brothers ages 4 years old& 16 months old. My baby brother was doa and my other brother was in critical condition and suffered permanent brain damage but did survive the ordeal. We were life-flighted to the nearest hospitals and ended up in intensive care. I was hospitalized for a month...my brother was in the hospital for a year and endured nine brain surgeries during his stay. END TRIGGER...FOR NOW
On that fateful day, my dad was somewhere doing an odd job. He was pretty notorious for going out with buddies after work or over to his parents for dinner. He never called mom to let her know jack shit. I never knew when he was coming home. He usually did. He was always home just not at routine times. This really played into my mom's mental problems. What happened after that event was just disappointing, disruptive and down right terrible. I was literally a surviving homicide victim. Me. My dad has played the victim card for years. I am not saying he wasn't affected, he was. His actions after the fact were just plain unforgivable.
This is where the second part of his background begins. He left us with his abusive parents. Retired, and full of resentment, his parents would take it out on my now disabled (mentally and physically) brother and I. My dad knew what was going on. He basically abandoned us to go play victim to women and friends while he drank and did drugs. He only came over to his parents house at random times when he needed a place to crash or to use the phone . Gpoo were classic enablers and they were very emotionally and later on physically abusive. I remember days, pleading and begging my dad to come home, buy me school clothes, cook for me ect. I would leave him voicemail after voicemail. He never came when I asked only when it was convenient and never even painted it up as though he was doing something for my brother or I. He would tell everyone a pity story over the phone about his difficult parenting situation but he didn't parent his remaining children.
There is much more .TRIGGER. In 2004, just a year after gmoo passed, my brother drowned as a result of complete negligence and was buried with no grave marker, same as my baby brother. At this point in my life a friend's family stepped in (before db's death) and I was able to finish highschool in a normal family setting. I legally divorced my father and my incarcerated mother in order to do so. My dad actually fought it. Before we had planned to take action to get me the hell out of that awful situation, I asked him if he would fork over custody so I could have a better life. I was thirteen. I pleaded. I told him that clearly custody wasn't something he cared about and I needed a better life. He told me that the abuse was my fault for stressing them out. I was level headed and knew that wasn't true or okay. So I then proceeded to begin my epic journey out on my own and wasn't successful until I was fifteen.
After my db's passing, since i was out of that home then, i co'd my dad and that whole family. After highschool he stalked me and threatened me. I never was able to get a RO, but i came damn close.
After two years of complete silence and a lot of thinking and talking while in therapy, I contacted him for my own closure purposes.
I first confronted my grandfather about the types of abuse I endured. Before I was even able to get all of my words out, gfoo interrupted me to admit his failings, wrong doings, and he said" I have been so wrong, what I did was really bad. I don't expect forgiveness or understanding. I just want you to know these words before I die. You kids deserved better". I took some time and although it didn't right all of the wrongs, I have over the years since, made an occasional visit. I would say for about maybe two hours in a day and at the most 5times a year...typically tho 4 or less.
Gfoo is declining now and as awful as he was, it is still very sad to see the life fading as it is now. I have taken my son over twice so that gfoo could see the only greatgrandchild in existence to him. No boundaries are crossed or stomped. Nothing inappropriate in gfoo's behalf. My dad tho...well it's a huge train wreck.
I resumed contact with my dad after I did so with gfoo. At the time dad/foo wasn't living with gfoo. Contact with foo has been predictably disappointing and painful. I maintain little contact with him and have since I resumed contact. The ball is in my court. The toll alcoholism has taken on him physically and mentally is just sad and fucked up. He has met his only grandchild twice. After his stunt/phone conversation today I am going to have no choice but to CO. He is just to emotionally taxing and plainly put, fucking ridiculous. He is entitled as fuck.
Over the phone today I felt like I was trapped in my awful childhood crap again. So continuing contact is not an option.
I do however wish to take some time to see gfoo who is physically dependant on foo, as he can't walk on his own. I am feeling stuck and I don't know what to do.
Is an immediate CO best? Am I right to delay CO til gfoo's passing?
Also SO and I aren't sure if we should just bh and CO foo or confront an CO. We are worried about what action to take because foo knows where we live and in past the women who catered to him and his victim status would go any distance for him. The woman he was with when he stalked me, drove him everywhere to help him "track me down". He is excellent at nabbing a devoted FM when he needs to.
Thoughts? Personal experience? Advice?