I'm new here. Hello. I love the Colbert icon! Anyways...
I got into it a little bit with DH because at the last second I declined to go to a Sunday dinner his dad invited us to at his home to meet his new girlfriend. My excuses were that I was still not dressed by the time of the dinner (I was on the phone forever with Comcast!) and that my baby was asleep & I didn't want to wake her up to put her in her carseat, nor was I comfortable BF'ing her there or really just being in anyone's home I'm not comfortable with for hours with a newborn. DH ended up storming off with ODD. But it got me thinking.
I've been married to DH 4 years now. Multiple attempts for his family to meet me while I was his g/f, and then while I was his fiance, went declined. They used to have Sunday dinners all the time, and even as his fiance, I was never invited. DH would go without me. My parents invited his to a dinner for us all to meet each other before the wedding. My parents got turned down. I did not meet his parents until the day of my wedding, (Yes, we are all in the same area). & even that was a drama fest because we had no idea if they were going to show up or not; they were going back and forth. It put a huge strain on my wedding and our planner, because so much of the layout depended on if his parents would show up. I wanted a big family table at the reception, but of course we couldn't have that unless DH had his family on his side. We ended up going with a sweetheart table and having to eat alone. His dad showed up at the last minute. You know how it is with a girl and her wedding!
Fast forward 2 years later, we get invited to Christmas at his dad's. It was really awkward and no one talked to me except the SOs of DH's sisters, but the family had lots of "tickle fights" in front of me. It was weird. My DH has had pretty much no communication with his fam throughout our marriage. Any talking he did have w/ his dad were fights. There was a lot of sexual abuse that occurred to my DH and his siblings when they were kids..pretty horrific stuff. His dad ended up putting him in an in-patient mental institute. His dad was in the Army and what it sounds like is that he never went back to get him, instead going from state to state because of his Army transfers. DH was released into the foster care system until he was of age. His siblings stayed with his dad. DH isn't clear on everything & doesn't understand a lot about his childhood. Many times I've held him why he's cried, because of his past and for his dad not being in his present life. His dad has never apologized, nor brings up that time, though my DH needs closure. On and off his dad will talk/text with him and things will be okay. This is an "on" time. I suspect it's because 1 SIL is out of the country with a husband in the Army. FIL was really close with them. And another SIL lives about 50 mi away. So FIL really has no family around but us. He has really only been in contact since the baby's been born. When I was about 5/6 months pregnant, DH's grandma was visiting from out of state. She was staying with FIL. DH really wanted to see his grandma and take her out to lunch, but FIL forbid him from showing up at his house. I overheard DH on the phone saying, "That's my wife you're talking about!" in a stern voice. I was surprised but proud, thought I have no idea what they were saying about me. DH said it had to do with how I behaved at Christmas several years before. I was polite but like I said, no one made an effort to talk to or get to know me and I felt purposefully ignored. Even DH could tell. When I was between 7-9 months, FIL contacted DH a few times to go to dinner/movie etc. My DH jumped at the chance at this. The first time it happened, I was 7 mo pregnant and we had just moved THAT day. We had no food in the house, everything was in boxes. It was 8 pm and none of us had eaten all day, including my 8-year-old. FIL called to ask DH to dinner. He said yes and took off in the only car we had, telling us he'd bring dinner home to us. I was so pissed, I followed him out to the garage insisting that he better take care of me and ODD and makes sure we eat before he goes off and eats with his dad. This is the kind of behavior that my DH has when his dad comes back in his life.
Anyways,
I've never understood why they've never liked me &/or treated me the way they have. I have an awesome family, so I don't get these people's weirdness at all. There are other instances from this family but you guys probably get the gist.
FIL has been okay since the baby's been born. He's came to ODD's plays, brought by clothes for the new baby, and been nice to me the few times I've seen him. But I'm not the kind of person who can develop a genuine relationship with anyone with things like that in the past that haven't been addressed. It's really bipolar behavior. This family just comes off as incredibly fake people, even DH says so but he is usually really enamored by his dad during the "on" times and is mad when I'm not so quick to jump on board. Even if they'd been nice to me from the get-go, DH's childhood is so disturbing and heartbreaking. If I were him, I'd never be able to forgive or have a relationship with my father, but ESPECIALLY if he refused to talk about my childhood or apologize. What's worse, on FB FIL likes to act like the best dad ever, going so far as to say things like, "I did such a good job raising these kids!" (We are not friends, I've seen this on DH's page).
Every fiber of my being wants no part of these people. What do I do? How do I deal? It's so wierd to be married to someone for 4 years and not know their family! It's definitely been less than 10 times that I've seen his dad, way less for the rest of his family.
PS. Can anyone think of a better title for this?
(edited for spelling)