I've lurked over the last few years and finally found my spine. I've been standing up to my ILs more and over the summer shit really hit the fan. I had a friend over in the afternoon while lo was napping. It was a warm day so we had a cool glass of white wine on the porch with my video monitor to watch the baby sleep. I totally forgot my ILs were dropping off something and when they pulled up I sat down the wine by my foot (they are against alcohol). Stupid but it was my last time giving a fuck. They dropped off the box and quickly left. A week later FIL called and told me to apologize to mil for drinking wine in front of her. I told him I would not apologize for something when I didn't do anything wrong and our conversation was over, at which point I handed the phone to dh. It has been radio silence since then and then we got this gem of an email A DAY BEFORE DHs 30Th BIRTHDAY.
DHmy son,
Item 1. The book you said you ordered from Amazon never has shown up. Not complaining, just bringing you up to date. Amazon must have
sent your book to the Amazon.
Item 2. You said you were going to have DS (he's 1) send us a thank-you note for his birthday
Presents, but that has not shown up either. Have you lost our address?
Item3. You also have missed Mother’s day, Father’s day, BILs birthday (although I am told you made a belated phone call. Good for you, I have the same trouble with MY siblings.). Even if no present, an E-card would be nice. BTW, MIL goes to Bed, Bath & Beyond,
where they have wonderful hand-made cards—word to the wise.
Item 4. The real stuff.
Of course I am hurt. There is no doubt about that It is not that I cannot forgive what was done and said, it is that the hurt lingers on and on especially, I suppose, when there seems to be no acknowledgement that anything was done or said to cause it. The fact that I have taken so long to write this “epistle” is because of that hurt…and anger. (I also have a horror of committing something to print since the mere codification of an problem can enlarge the significance of it.) So I went for help to a pastor I know and respect, younger than me and older than you, with three grown children—NOT a Baptist. He told me that the younger generation of evangelical Christians seems to have decided that “social drinking”, as he called it, is okay, but that the verdict is out for what it means for them and their kids. This is partially because they are the first generation to practice that in such a large scale. Perhaps, he added sadly because knowing about what had happened with his kids, that I should overlook or ignore what happened because of love of family. Then I told him about the hiding of the wine by her foot and there was a long pause, followed by an intake of air, and finally he said, “That was just rude. I would say that apparently there was some ambivalence about the propriety of the act.”
So there you have it. I really didn’t need his conclusion to know that my code of ethical behavior had been violated. My parents (especially Mom) would have been irate, my maternal grandparents—life-long Methodists would have been perplexed, DA would have been “deeply affended” at such behavior. On Dad’s side of the family, those that went
to church were Nazarenes, Bob Jones fundamentalists, and community Bible church (CMA) (us) attenders. These are the people I grew up around and with. And then DW told me
that “I have done nothing wrong. Unless you have something further to say, I am done here”. And she handed the phone to you. I think my response to you both was “I am deeply disappointed”. I have worked for more than 40+ years with people, more than 50% of them women and many of them were my immediate supervisor, and I have never been dismissed in such fashion. I did not deserve that. Disagreements and differences of opinion in the workspace were worked out. We had team building exercises to foster that. I believe Scripture also encourages it. If you both had still lived at old house, I would have been at your door and in your face inside of a week to work this out.
DS I have concluded that your responsibility should have been to let us know what the “plan” wad. Did you really think I would go along with being around alcohol? I have always been the more conservative voice in our family, not your mother. She grew up around alcohol morning, noon, and night. Nevertheless, she can’t stomach it when family is
concerned since it brings back such horrendous memories.
So the hiding of the wine, the dismissal on the phone and lack of apology have combined to make a situation where it is easy to believe you both would feel awkward around us in any social situation. It is suspiciously like what happened in the Garden of Eden where Eve was
deceived and Adam passed the buck, so they hid. But note who God came calling for: Adam. What will you do if we decide to go to AILs for Thanksgiving? Are you going to deny us the pleasure of attending important events for your children like baby dedications, birthdays, school functions, holidays, marriages, etc? We were not the perpetrators of the events at your house or the phone conversations.
The May, 2014 issue of Decision, a Billy Graham publication devoted the whole magazine to the topic, “The Danger of Compromise” . A fascinating article pp 8-12, “The Collapse of Conviction” featured statements from Mike Huckabee (former governor of Arkansas),
Albert Mohler (president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary), George O. Wood (general superintendent of the Assemblies of God), and Tony Perkins (president of Family Research Council). Although not explicitly talking about alcohol, Tony Perkins wrote of compromise, “What one generation tolerates, the next will celebrate.”
Item 5. DW mentioned in that same conversation that she had quite a long list of grievances against our family. I asked her to write them down and send/share them with me and I would address them. I am still waiting. I admitted and apologized for my error in playing chopsticks during your wedding for which I regretfully cannot undo.
Item 6. It is simply amazing that you told MIL that she was manipulating on you costs,
kinds, or numbers of Christmas presents, I can’t remember which of those it was. This arose apparently over our belief that you were getting her more than Rosetta Stone I, which,
as it turns out does not have the vocabulary to assist with reading French official documents such as birth and death records, deeds, wills and the like. You mentioned that you had no intention of purchasing Rosetta Stone II and III, and MIL countered with that she spent
more than that on the last Spode bowl/dish/plate for DW, like $175 right? Ridiculous! She easily spends more than that on you. And you know why? Because Christmas was such a disaster in her house, where she wound up giving away everything to her brothers and sisters because of bankruptcies, and then she paid for their presents every year till she left home and married me. I can attest to that for I also helped pay for several of them via a Church gift before we got married. I know that you are a “cheapskate” for you get that from me! And your college years helped cement that tendency. But giving to you and BILand by extension to your families is something your mom LOVES to do. And she starts in January each year combing the catalogs for gifts. She does NOT do this all in November and December. Remember God loves a cheerful giver. She vowed she would do things differently than her parents. Gifts were one of those “things”. And “even Stephen”
was also one of her maxims. And another thing, you’re too late. She had already gotten
you and DW your presents. Do you want your birthday present? Are you having a
“party”?
Item 7. Now I need to address an ancient event where I was cowardly, or at least absent when I should have stepped forward and taken control. Much like Adam of old, when he
failed to stand up to do the right thing. But in this case I allowed your mom to carry the burden of asking you to move out of our home. This in spite of the fact that I knew your mother had to watch her father provoke her brothers to the point that they left home never to return; in spite of the fact that I knew she was left with the burden of keeping her remaining sisters alive and sheltered from the abusive rampages of her father; and in spite of the fact that I was told in no uncertain terms by her doctor that she was ripe for a heart attack---her blood pressure was 240 over 170, way too high. The tension in our home was
so tangible you could have cut it with a knife. You and BIL were not speaking, and were at
opposite ends of the house. Your mother could not handle this. The doctor asked what was going on and your mother explained what was upsetting her so much. And he said one of you MUST go or your mother WILL experience another heart attack. So I was absolutely
crushed and angry. You should remember that she had told you to plan on moving out by
the end of the year just 2-4 months away anyway. Now I should have been the one to tell you to go, but I was still wallowing in my own self-pity at having messed up in having a
stable home environment with delightful kids and wife. So I confess my failure at being
the leader in the home, a damning indictment to my ego. I am truly sorry, for that aspect of abdicating my responsibility. Do not blame your mother any longer for that event. But you survived, precariously at times, but persevere you did. And I remind you that I helped you
move every single time until you got married, and even afterwards. And we helped your band financially every step of the way before and afterwards. I also regret I ever co-signed the loan for your last CD, which as it turned out, financially strapped you as well. I am told that BIL made payments to you to pay it off, over my objections.
I learned years later that my own father and mother were going to charge me room and board, or ask me to leave after graduating from college. Lucky me, I got a job with the Feds and moved out at age 23. DH, every one has expectations that are not met. Ask God to help you forgive, forget and pray for grace, as DA would say.
Item 8. Consider these passages: (from the NIV Holy Bible)
Proverbs 1: 8-9
Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction
and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
They will be a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck.
Proverbs 3:1-2, 27
My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity….
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it
when it is in your power to act.
Proverbs 4:1-2
Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction;
Pay attention and gain understanding.
Proverbs 20: 1
Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler;
whoever is led astray by them is not wise.
I wish I had listened to ALL of my mother’s teachings: Do not smoke, do not dance, do not gamble (with playing cards especially), do not drink, and do not go to movies.
respectfully,
Dad
DHmy son,
Item 1. The book you said you ordered from Amazon never has shown up. Not complaining, just bringing you up to date. Amazon must have
sent your book to the Amazon.
Item 2. You said you were going to have DS (he's 1) send us a thank-you note for his birthday
Presents, but that has not shown up either. Have you lost our address?
Item3. You also have missed Mother’s day, Father’s day, BILs birthday (although I am told you made a belated phone call. Good for you, I have the same trouble with MY siblings.). Even if no present, an E-card would be nice. BTW, MIL goes to Bed, Bath & Beyond,
where they have wonderful hand-made cards—word to the wise.
Item 4. The real stuff.
Of course I am hurt. There is no doubt about that It is not that I cannot forgive what was done and said, it is that the hurt lingers on and on especially, I suppose, when there seems to be no acknowledgement that anything was done or said to cause it. The fact that I have taken so long to write this “epistle” is because of that hurt…and anger. (I also have a horror of committing something to print since the mere codification of an problem can enlarge the significance of it.) So I went for help to a pastor I know and respect, younger than me and older than you, with three grown children—NOT a Baptist. He told me that the younger generation of evangelical Christians seems to have decided that “social drinking”, as he called it, is okay, but that the verdict is out for what it means for them and their kids. This is partially because they are the first generation to practice that in such a large scale. Perhaps, he added sadly because knowing about what had happened with his kids, that I should overlook or ignore what happened because of love of family. Then I told him about the hiding of the wine by her foot and there was a long pause, followed by an intake of air, and finally he said, “That was just rude. I would say that apparently there was some ambivalence about the propriety of the act.”
So there you have it. I really didn’t need his conclusion to know that my code of ethical behavior had been violated. My parents (especially Mom) would have been irate, my maternal grandparents—life-long Methodists would have been perplexed, DA would have been “deeply affended” at such behavior. On Dad’s side of the family, those that went
to church were Nazarenes, Bob Jones fundamentalists, and community Bible church (CMA) (us) attenders. These are the people I grew up around and with. And then DW told me
that “I have done nothing wrong. Unless you have something further to say, I am done here”. And she handed the phone to you. I think my response to you both was “I am deeply disappointed”. I have worked for more than 40+ years with people, more than 50% of them women and many of them were my immediate supervisor, and I have never been dismissed in such fashion. I did not deserve that. Disagreements and differences of opinion in the workspace were worked out. We had team building exercises to foster that. I believe Scripture also encourages it. If you both had still lived at old house, I would have been at your door and in your face inside of a week to work this out.
DS I have concluded that your responsibility should have been to let us know what the “plan” wad. Did you really think I would go along with being around alcohol? I have always been the more conservative voice in our family, not your mother. She grew up around alcohol morning, noon, and night. Nevertheless, she can’t stomach it when family is
concerned since it brings back such horrendous memories.
So the hiding of the wine, the dismissal on the phone and lack of apology have combined to make a situation where it is easy to believe you both would feel awkward around us in any social situation. It is suspiciously like what happened in the Garden of Eden where Eve was
deceived and Adam passed the buck, so they hid. But note who God came calling for: Adam. What will you do if we decide to go to AILs for Thanksgiving? Are you going to deny us the pleasure of attending important events for your children like baby dedications, birthdays, school functions, holidays, marriages, etc? We were not the perpetrators of the events at your house or the phone conversations.
The May, 2014 issue of Decision, a Billy Graham publication devoted the whole magazine to the topic, “The Danger of Compromise” . A fascinating article pp 8-12, “The Collapse of Conviction” featured statements from Mike Huckabee (former governor of Arkansas),
Albert Mohler (president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary), George O. Wood (general superintendent of the Assemblies of God), and Tony Perkins (president of Family Research Council). Although not explicitly talking about alcohol, Tony Perkins wrote of compromise, “What one generation tolerates, the next will celebrate.”
Item 5. DW mentioned in that same conversation that she had quite a long list of grievances against our family. I asked her to write them down and send/share them with me and I would address them. I am still waiting. I admitted and apologized for my error in playing chopsticks during your wedding for which I regretfully cannot undo.
Item 6. It is simply amazing that you told MIL that she was manipulating on you costs,
kinds, or numbers of Christmas presents, I can’t remember which of those it was. This arose apparently over our belief that you were getting her more than Rosetta Stone I, which,
as it turns out does not have the vocabulary to assist with reading French official documents such as birth and death records, deeds, wills and the like. You mentioned that you had no intention of purchasing Rosetta Stone II and III, and MIL countered with that she spent
more than that on the last Spode bowl/dish/plate for DW, like $175 right? Ridiculous! She easily spends more than that on you. And you know why? Because Christmas was such a disaster in her house, where she wound up giving away everything to her brothers and sisters because of bankruptcies, and then she paid for their presents every year till she left home and married me. I can attest to that for I also helped pay for several of them via a Church gift before we got married. I know that you are a “cheapskate” for you get that from me! And your college years helped cement that tendency. But giving to you and BILand by extension to your families is something your mom LOVES to do. And she starts in January each year combing the catalogs for gifts. She does NOT do this all in November and December. Remember God loves a cheerful giver. She vowed she would do things differently than her parents. Gifts were one of those “things”. And “even Stephen”
was also one of her maxims. And another thing, you’re too late. She had already gotten
you and DW your presents. Do you want your birthday present? Are you having a
“party”?
Item 7. Now I need to address an ancient event where I was cowardly, or at least absent when I should have stepped forward and taken control. Much like Adam of old, when he
failed to stand up to do the right thing. But in this case I allowed your mom to carry the burden of asking you to move out of our home. This in spite of the fact that I knew your mother had to watch her father provoke her brothers to the point that they left home never to return; in spite of the fact that I knew she was left with the burden of keeping her remaining sisters alive and sheltered from the abusive rampages of her father; and in spite of the fact that I was told in no uncertain terms by her doctor that she was ripe for a heart attack---her blood pressure was 240 over 170, way too high. The tension in our home was
so tangible you could have cut it with a knife. You and BIL were not speaking, and were at
opposite ends of the house. Your mother could not handle this. The doctor asked what was going on and your mother explained what was upsetting her so much. And he said one of you MUST go or your mother WILL experience another heart attack. So I was absolutely
crushed and angry. You should remember that she had told you to plan on moving out by
the end of the year just 2-4 months away anyway. Now I should have been the one to tell you to go, but I was still wallowing in my own self-pity at having messed up in having a
stable home environment with delightful kids and wife. So I confess my failure at being
the leader in the home, a damning indictment to my ego. I am truly sorry, for that aspect of abdicating my responsibility. Do not blame your mother any longer for that event. But you survived, precariously at times, but persevere you did. And I remind you that I helped you
move every single time until you got married, and even afterwards. And we helped your band financially every step of the way before and afterwards. I also regret I ever co-signed the loan for your last CD, which as it turned out, financially strapped you as well. I am told that BIL made payments to you to pay it off, over my objections.
I learned years later that my own father and mother were going to charge me room and board, or ask me to leave after graduating from college. Lucky me, I got a job with the Feds and moved out at age 23. DH, every one has expectations that are not met. Ask God to help you forgive, forget and pray for grace, as DA would say.
Item 8. Consider these passages: (from the NIV Holy Bible)
Proverbs 1: 8-9
Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction
and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
They will be a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck.
Proverbs 3:1-2, 27
My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity….
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it
when it is in your power to act.
Proverbs 4:1-2
Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction;
Pay attention and gain understanding.
Proverbs 20: 1
Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler;
whoever is led astray by them is not wise.
I wish I had listened to ALL of my mother’s teachings: Do not smoke, do not dance, do not gamble (with playing cards especially), do not drink, and do not go to movies.
respectfully,
Dad