Hello all,
This is my first post, but I have been lurking since December 2013 after an incident with my ILs. I've had issues with them for years, but after the shitshow of ODS's birth I finally grew a sliver of a backbone and was able to set enough boundaries that YDS's birth was perfect. However, I feel like I'm gaslighting myself, that I am making a huge deal out of BEC issues, that I am destroying my marriage by refusing to spend any time with my ILs. I've read the books in the sticky, started therapy with DH (DuH?), and my BGP's are on, so fire away.
My MIL has hated me since day one. When DH (then BF) graduated from college (2.5 years into our relationship), we had a long discussion about what to do if the ceremony was moved inside and he was limited to 6 tickets. Well, wouldn't you know, 6 tickets was exactly enough to cover MIL, FIL, SIL, her husband, GMIL and myself. That's his entire family anyway, so it should have been fine. MIL insisted on holding onto the tickets, reassured me that "it was no trouble at all" for her to do so (despite making it extremely complicated the morning of the event) and to let her handle it. Graduation arrives, weather is poor, so the ceremony is moved inside and... MIL has brought a friend to the event and I no longer have a ticket. I watched the ceremony from a live feed, then went home, packed up all of DH's things, and told him that I couldn't be with him if it meant dealing with his mother. I still feel horrible for ruining his day like that, but DWIL, I could see exactly what my future would look like if I stayed with him, and it wasn't pretty. We talked for hours, he promised to put me first, and we wound up staying together. We got engaged and married a few months later. To me, this incident was the point of no return, because I clearly saw my future, began to put my foot down, and then completely embraced it. I am furious with myself for it. I love DH and I love my kids, but my ILs are just. too. much. for me to handle.
In the effort of making this as short as possible, I'm going to try to outline everything in bullet points. I can add more information if needed.
- My biggest issue with MIL: ODS's birth was horrible. I had complications that were awful and embarrassing and left me unable to take care of my son right away. Because of the nature of the complications, they were fairly obvious and easy to see, and I just wanted privacy. MIL wasn't having it. She stayed over our first night home from the hospital and insisted on keeping ODS in his nursery while I was stuck on the couch. She said she would bring him to me when he needed to nurse (I was set on EBF and she thinks that it's absolutely disgusting) and I was too tired and defeated to argue much. Well, when I woke up the next morning, I realized that she had given him formula all night long. I still hate myself for not standing up for myself, for not setting my alarm, for not screaming at her when I realized what she had done. DuH was asleep in our room for the night and missed everything, which is important because he later said that he "didn't know who to believe" when she denied doing it. This has damaged our marriage irreparably. I HATE her for doing it. I hate myself for allowing her to continue being around my son, and I hate DuH for not believing me over his lying cunt of a mother. The fact that she's sticking to her story and insinuating that I just don't remember because of how sick I was is making me question my sanity as well.
-MIL has lied about announcing YDS's pregnancy, announcing his name after birth, and then denied lying about announcing his name (does that even make sense?). She is on a smear campaign to anyone who will listen, including my parents who don't tell me anything she says, but also don't feel comfortable telling her to stop. Again, the lying makes me doubt myself.
-SIL is MIL's clone, and I cannot stand her. There is a major age difference between us and we have never been extremely friendly, but she completely lost her shit a few months ago because she said I blocked her on the debil (right before this, she demanded that we bring our kids over to her house, leave them with her and let MIL visit them that way. Fuck. That. NO ONE demands my kids, but especially not people who hate me, smoke like a chimney and have an uncontrolled dog). I hadn't blocked her, but she went ballistic on DH through text and napalmed any shred of a bridge we might have had. Here's the thing... DH won't show me the texts. So all I have is his word for what really went down. He says he isn't proud of what he said to her, but I feel like without actually knowing what happened, I might be overreacting. I am also angry that he's refusing to show me what went down because just a few days before, he had promised complete openness with me regarding his phone, and then went back on his word because it's his faaaaamily.
-After YDS was born in January, MIL ramped up the crazy and tried to take over again. I laid down the law with DH, and he repeatedly turned her away when she would show up uninvited and refused to schedule visits with her. Shit hit the fan and as a result of MIL's whining, GMIL has refused to meet YDS. She lives 10 minutes away and is in poor health, but apparently appeasing MIL is better than meeting her great-grandson, which kills DH. It hurts me to see him like this, but at the same time, I feel like she's made herself clear and all we can do is move on.
-We are in therapy and DuH seems to be more open to the fact that his family might not be perfect. He finally admits that MIL doesn't like me, that her behavior is out of control, and that we need to limit her time with us. He's never been close with her, and he doesn't even really like her very much, but since I have simply stopped emoting for him he's had to deal with her himself. We have only seen her 3 times since January (when YDS was born) and we live 10 minutes away, so this is much more manageable than the weekly visits we used to have.
I have so many more things scribbled on a piece of paper, but this is already so long and I feel completely overwhelmed by everything that I want to say. I can add more if needed, but at this point I am having a hard time picking out real issues from just being BEC with everyone. DH and I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, and I know that our therapist is going to ask us how things are going and I don't even know what to say anymore. He doesn't seem to understand how bad things are, despite being a self-proclaimed leave-and-cleave proponent. DWIL, am I truly justified in keeping MIL and SIL away from my kids, or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?