BG:http://community.babycenter.com/post/a51615763/need_help_things_came_to_a_head_newest_ud_7779909395101110115?cpg=128
This will be long.
Well I am back again with another update in my continuing saga. When I left off at the other thread I had just had a not so pleasant conversation with my DW concerning MIL/SA. I had established firmly that DW was not going to please everyone and trying to was killing her. Also that I was done completely as far as they are concerned and with me on that is LO. That MIL could come to the hospital when LO is born (very soon now), but that under no circumstances was SA allowed. DW was very upset because she firmly believes if we say no to SA that MIL will not come either. I was very fed up with DW trying to find some way out of this in which no one was upset. Lets hope with a new thread things will stay on topic this time.
We had the baby shower yesterday and all in all things went pretty well. I was not there. I got my information second hand. SA did not show up at all. MIL was there and behaved around DW but there were awkward moments (I will address why in a second). At the end DW did tell MIL when she asked for us to come by soon that we would call and set something up to meet just her, but to give us space until we do. MIL got quiet and left quickly after that. That part I was there for because I came over with BIL to help recover the goods.
Turns out a few days after DW and I had last talked about them (but before the shower) DW ended up sending a email to MIL addressing the issues at hand. DW showed me the email afterwards and I have to say I was impressed. It even had DWIL phrases in it. It was too the point, said what we were upset about without going into specifics, and not JADEY. DW told me she had been thinking about it and I was right, and she was upset because she is scared and I am basically forcing her to face that fear. She said she has been raised to put MIL's feelings before her own but therapy is helping. I was happy that she took action, but sorry it took so long to do so.
The next day we received a response from MIL. When DW read it to me I actually laughed because I could have wrote her response myself. It had all the classics. It gaslighted the hell out of the issues it did address. Ignored the ones MIL had no way to argue with. Said how SA was only joking and "loves us like his own." It even had the guilt in it with MIL claiming she was losing weight because of all the stress we had put her through. Yea it was just epic.
DW was shocked when she read it. She really could not understand how her own mother could not see what was really going on. How she could write that response to her own daughter. How she could ignore so much of what DW tried to say. That she had a excuse for everything.
We talked extensively about it after we received her reply. How MIL is a product of GMIL. That MIL does what she can to avoid setting off SA. About the fact that she probably has her own abandonment issues because of FIL leaving her and will do anything to keep this husband even if he isn't good to her. I then asked DW what of all of this is LO's responsibility? What of all of this is he supposed to fix when he is born. She said nothing and I told her exactly why I did not want SA at the hospital and that if MIL makes one out of line comment she will be forced to leave. DW realized that if we don't stop him SA will do to our LO what he has done to us for years. She doesn't want our LO coming up to us one day asking why grandpa asshole is mad at him because SA invented yet another reason to throw a fit. My own father was a dead beat dad. He did not put anyone in his family before himself. I refuse to do the same. I will be the dad to my LO that mine wasn't for me.
DW is still working through things. Like I said therapy is helping, but having her eyes opened to all of this has been shocking for her. Realizing the extent to which her mother emotionally abused her is shocking to her. She still has moments where she remembers something from her past and says "that't not right."
As of now DW understands that nothing has changed therefore SA is not invited around LO. That even if they made a honest attempt to change their behavior today that I still need my own time to get over all of this before I could move on. They haven't though anyway. The hardest thing for her to come to grips with is that there is no easy way out of this. No way for it to be handled with everyone happy. She said that this is something she is going to have to do on her own because it is partly her responsibility that it got this far in that she was blind to it previously. We plan to inform MIL at some point coming up that when LO is born she is welcome to come visit but to come alone. That our wishes are not negotiable and if she can't respect them that she does not get time with LO. Also to not bring him up to us or try and tell us who to have a relationship with.
So DWIL what do you think?