My daughter recommended me to this site for advice regarding my daughter in law. Hopefully you can help.
My husband and I have 10 children, all of whom are now adults and many of which are married with children of their own. We have always enjoyed being grandparents and we enjoy spending time with our adult children. We host a large family game night about once a month or once every other month. Everyone is invited, we order food, play games, catch up with our kids, visit with our grandkids, and watch all the little cousins play together. Usually about 6/7 out of 10 of our kids and their families attend (the unmarried adult boys are usually doing their own thing, of course).
These game nights are one of our most enjoyable pastimes. Recently, however, there has been increasing tension due to one of our daughters in law. Our oldest son and his wife have been married for 8 years and have three young children. Oldest son and DIL always make it to family game night. However, DIL has been increasingly unpleasant to be around, and after last week, I am not sure I want to host her in my home anymore. Here are some examples of what transpired.
DIL and oldest son both want to sit down and play cards at the same time, leaving their children unattended. The 2 year old climbed a shelf in my hallway and pulled down a keepsake my youngest daughter had given me, breaking it. DIL immediately started screeching at me that I should know better than to keep breakables in the house.
Their 4 year old went into my master bedroom, found my make up bag, and used my eyeliner to draw a beautiful picture on my white down comforter. DIL again snapped at me, "Why would anyone want WHITE bedding!? Why do you keep your make up on your nightstand anyway?!"
After the statue incident, the 2 year old unhooked the child latch on my TV cabinet, and pulled out the DVD collection. DIL yelled that he has learned how to unlatch that type of childproof lock and that I should know there are better ones on the market nowadays.
Every time her children got into something they were not supposed to, I got yelled at. Our son tried to apologize for the damage caused, and DIL yelled at him that it wasn't their fault.
DIL tends to place herself at the table in such a way that she cannot easily get out to tend to the children. This leads to her snapping at whoever is near that her son needs a drink, her daughter just went outside and someone needs to go get her, the toddler is climbing the stairs go get him now! The baby needs his diaper changed, don't use that diaper it's too small, he needs diaper cream on, you are doing it wrong! DIL uses my third daughter as somewhat of a free nanny, ordering her around most of the night and running her ragged taking care of these kids.
I have seen DIL display this unpleasant behavior in other people's homes as well. One of my younger daughters hosted DIL for a playdate with their children. DIL sat on the couch visiting while her children wandered the house. Her oldest found a crayon in an upstairs bedroom and drew all over the freshly painted walls. When DIL discovered what had happened, she berated my daughter for keeping crayons in the house.
DIL has always been somewhat entitled and perhaps difficult, but last night was the worst. I have never felt so disrespected in my own home. My husband and I have been grandparents for 16 years, and we have always made an effort to have an accomodating and safe home for our granchildren of all ages. We childproof, we have a dedicated playroom with activities for all ages, and we genuinly love to have the youngsters running around the house. But this has become too much. It seems as though DIL is constatnly screeching, barking out orders, berating me when her kids get into things, or insulting our son (her husband). Two of my daughters and one of my sons now refuse to attend game night because DIL will be there.
My husband wants to sit our oldest son down for a talk about his wife's behavior, but I don't think it is a good idea. I know my son is a good husband and will stand by his wife, even if he doesn't agree with her. If he feels as though we are insulting her, I am afraid they will keep the children from us. But DIL's presence is alienating our other children and grandkids.
What can we do to keep our much cherished game night a pleasant experience for everyone?