I've created a new account, but I've been a lurker for almost a year and know what kind of advice to expect. Please bear with me there are a lot of details I need to explain for this issue.
So, background on me:
I'm the youngest of three girls. I live about 300 miles from my FOO, but they all live near each other. We try to travel to them to visit often, but the frequency has diminished since we all started having families. Currently we go about four times a year (though it's been less this year due to complications with my pregnancy earlier this year), my parents come to us about three times a year and each of my sisters might come once a year. Even in our extended family I'm the only one far away. They are all within a one hour drive.
My extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins and their families) get together a few times a year usually to celebrate a holiday or occasion. There is an annual get together in the middle of the summer which is held at a summer destination where many of the extended family have cottages. My branch of the family tree is the only one that doesn't include at least one family member that owns a cottage, therefore, when my parents and sisters go they each stay with one of the other families at their cottages (there aren't really hotels nearby). Sometimes extra people are invited in which case my sisters family's will camp on someone's lawn. My nuclear family does not attend this annual get together as it is too far of a drive (about 10 hours...and there are no airports nearby).
I have a DS who is about to turn three and a DD who is three months old. My pregnancy with DD was a bit rough. I had SPD (a pelvic issue) which has continued postpartum and I am in physiotherapy for it. Because of the SPD I can't sleep on my side (my preferred position) without waking up in excruciating pain. So aside from waking many times a night still to feed DD, my quality of sleep stinks because I'm uncomfortable. Needless to say, I'm sleep deprived.
OK, current issue:
My mom has a milestone birthday this week. At the end of June my dad sent an email suggesting we throw a party for her at the annual family event this summer (it was last weekend). I politely declined saying I thought it sounded fun, but we wouldn't make it. I got a guilt laden reply from him asking why I couldn't attend my mother's "milestone" birthday. Then I got a second email "telling" (it wasn't really an invitation) me there would be a family breakfast on her birthday (this week) and would x time be okay. I said I would come to that, but it didn't sit well with me.
Going for the breakfast meant that I had to change around plans for my own DS's birthday. Plans I had been looking forward to. It also meant I'd have to travel without DH as he would be working. Traveling 300 miles with a three year old and a three month old (who is a lazy feeder) was just seeming like too much to me. DS is a runner. We've been working with him to stop this behavior, but it's slow going. It's very scary when he races off, so imagining myself at rest stops trying to feed DD while corralling DS while dealing with pelvic pain and general exhaustion was too much for me. So I was planning to leave DS at home (my DH was going to arrange to work from home) and go on my own with DD.
The guilt trips started last week. Sis1 got on me about "Why couldn't I bring DS?" I tried explaining but no one seemed to get it. It all came to a head earlier this week during a call with Sis1 when she basically told me that I don't do anything for our mom and everyone wanted to see DS and why couldn't I bring him. I JADE-ed a lot but she kept picking apart each point on and on until I finally hung up on her. When I got off the phone I realized that I had talked to my dad and both sisters that day and found out all about their weekends and the party and no one had bothered to ask about me or my weekend.
At that point I was sick of it. I didn't want to go to the breakfast and I had valid reasons. I was sick of the guilt trips and I was feeling like I was really just a chauffeur meant to deliver my kids. I also started to worry about the drive and my sleep deprivation. I couldn't figure out a time of day where I would be awake enough to make the trip safely. So I called my mom and told her we wouldn't be coming. I did want to celebrate her birthday with her, it's just that the timing and situation wasn't working. She took it well. I should have known better.
Today I get a call from her. She wanted to "clear the air" and tell me how "disappointed she was". Not about the breakfast (she actually was ok with my not coming for that as I was to stay with them, but they're moving next week so it's a bit chaotic there right now), but about the extended family party last weekend. She was upset that I didn't make the effort to come. Apparently they thought I would show up as a surprise. I tried to explain that I spent the whole month of July trying to figure out if we could do it, but that in the end it just wouldn't work. She then said that I should have been telling them that I was trying to work it out and they would have helped me figure out a way that I could come. This really pisses me off. Why should I have to discuss my plans with her? I'm a grown up, I can work out my own plans and decide if it's going to work for my nuclear family. Next I was told how they thought I would really want to come and show off my baby. The thing is, I like my extended family, but I'm not close with most of them. Growing up I was the youngest cousin by far, so I didn't really have a relationship with the other cousins. Now we're friendly, but not close, I'm only close with one of them. So showing off my baby didn't really occur to me. Plus, I'm an introvert and huge get togethers tend to make me anxious. Anyway, she went on to say how disappointed she is and in the future we'll have to work out a way to get together for family events. She claims she wasn't "guilting" me, but it came across that way. Honestly, at this point I don't care anymore (about the guilt), but I'm wondering if I'm wrong. I've been thinking lately that my normal meter may be messed up on this kind of stuff, so I'm here to ask you.
So, am I wrong? Should I have gone to the extended family get together 10 hours away (oh, which we would have had to be camping at...with a three month old, three year old, and my SPD)? I did miss my mom's "milestone" birthday party and I wish I could have been there. If we didn't have a new baby we probably would have gone. Am I making this about me? I'm wondering if I'm becoming the narcissistic one in this situation since my reasons for not going are all about me (SPD, young kids, sleep deprived, long drive, plus my annoyance that they didn't ask about my weekend). What do you think?