First time poster, long time lurker...
I feel very blessed that much of what you ladies discuss supports actions I have long ago made.
BG: My mother is a raging alcoholic. To that point so are both my brothers. My brothers have been in and out of programs and so I have contact with them, as long as they are trying to be healthy, and they live out of state. My mother on the other hand lives in the same state and will blatently tell you she does not have a problem. Her problem dates back at least 25 years by my watch (I'm 35) I've been blessed to be part of Al Anon and learn that I have no control of her, or her actions. And I am blessed with a lovely husband, amazing friends, a fantastic (happily divorced from my mother) father, and a LO on the way.
So a little background. After 20 or years of emotional abuse, and taking it, and cleaning up my mother's problems, and helping to raise my brothers, I finally cut her off. It felt great. When I got engaged 4 years ago I felt that she had a right to know and hear about it from me. I filled her and we started a little contact here and there. I invited her to take part in some parts of my wedding, but didn't take all of her advise, and didn't let her in the way many daughter's do with their mother. She could not handle it. She was drunk most of my wedding weekend, started a fight with me, stormed out of my wedding, and had it not been for my great support, I probably would have let her ruin my wedding. (Thankfully I have leared, and she did not and it was great) I didn't speak to her after the wedding.
Shortly after my wedding my husband horribly sick- in a coma 4 days, hospital a month sick. Again I am blessed and he had a full recovery. However during that time I obviously had my IL's down and they stayed with me. During the whole time the only thing my MIL was concerned about was that I didn't need her and why in the wold would I not let my mom know what is going on. I told her, this wasn't abot my mother, this was about my husband, and I didn't need my mother. And what I did need I would ask for- I am good at this. My father backed me up. MIL didn't hear it and actually made some horrible comments that wouldn't call my mom. I forgave her, she was under stress, at the time her son might have been dying. After a month, my DH got better and I kindly told my MIL that it was time for her to go, DH and I needed time alone to find our routine again. I would let her know when we welcomed her back for a long visit. It hasn't happened yet. She's had one overnight here for one night only. I'm good at stating my boundries when they are physical.
Although my physical boundries have been kept with MIL, and Mom and I have no contact my MIL continues to push. We never have a conversation where she doens't bring it up. Again I have constantly said politely this is none of her business. I've discussed with my husband that she is not to be part of my relationship with my mom. He tries, but fails in getting the point across. When I found out I was pregnant DH and I told his parents and my Dad immediatley but no one else until Doc gave us the AOK. Somehow hours before the Doc gave me the AOK my mom texts that she had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I am conviced MIL told Mom as I know they talk. Not cool- but no proof. We got the AOK from Doc, and I confirm via text to my mom that I was pregnant. Since then Mom has sent a few cards, they don't bother me. I texted her when I found out it was a little girl.
Now the problem. So I miss having a mom as part of this. Although the mom I want in my mind, isn't mine. I have to keep reminding myself of this. She's still drinking. On the flip side the other night I had dinner with my Grandmother (mom's mom) and my mom actually stayed out of, and respected my wishes. A first in 35 years. It made me think maybe it's time to open the door a litte. So MIL is throwing a shower for us, a small one that is supposed to be her family only. Great. However 4 times in 2 days she has asked if she could invite Mom's family. I said I am thinking about it, but she keeps pushing. Part of me thinks maybe this is a small opening so my Mom can move from CO to maybe just TO or start to maybe open the door. I'm not really sure if I even want it open, or if this is the best forum. On the other hand I can't think of a better way. And to compound the problem at this point I want to say no to my MIL about my Mom and her family just to get my point across to MIL that no she is to have no business in solving my issues with my MOM. I don't want to encourage this behavior in MIL. She can't seem to understand that it has nothing to do with her.
So 1. Do I keep mom CO as part of me thinks it's just a fantasy to let her back in, or as it is my mom do I try for the umpteenth time. 2. If I let her back in how? This shower? 3. Do I let MIL have a win with my Mom and I with this shower, or shut MIL down? 4. How do I once and for all tell my MIL that this is none of her business. MIL thinks she understands the situation, but really has no clue.
I should also mention MIL is a PA woman who talks to everyone like they are in kindergarten, and treats the world like they are childern, and I am super independent and so becuase of these things have become a bit of BEC.
Ladies my BGP are on, and I love straight forward advise. Thanks for sticking with me and reading this long story.