Shortened version: PIL became melodramatic right after we had our first daughter because we asked all visitors to wait a few days. When they finally visited, MIL made a scene with crying and leaving just a couple minutes after walking in and holding DD. FIL keeps calling DH and tells DH that he is worried about MIL because she passed out and couldn't remember it a couple days before they visited and held our vulnerable newborn. We told them not to contact us until we are ready to contact them. They kept trying to contact us and even showed up at DH's work twice--which could have jeopardized his job. They continued to try to get us to talk. They finally stopped sometime in March, but DH wasn't ready to see them again until I think July/Aug. I think those are the main points...
Hello again. First, I want to apologize for not coming back on for a while. DD stopped eating (maybe would eat 1-2 oz at a time) again and we were pretty stressed out. She's had some very concerning medical issues since birth and had refused to eat enough before and was failing to thrive, so we were worried she was going through the same thing just when she was starting to do well. The doctors and specialist we've seen haven't been able to explain it, so we were sent to a geneticist and should get results back in about a month. On top of that, I stupidly decided to be a google doctor and found a genetic syndrome that seems to explain her symptoms perfectly, but it can present some severe heart and development issues--even autism. So I made myself even more stressed out, as you can imagine. The geneticist says nothing stands out to him just looking at her, which can be a good sign, but we have to wait to get the results back. He explained that genetics are tricky and can be expressed in different people in different ways. That was last week, and has helped me to not worry as much.
So this is why DH and I put off trying to meet up with his parents. This past week, DH said he wanted to meet. He wrote up a very short email just saying that we were ready to meet up to see if we might be able to move forward. And he offered a time and place. They said fine. DH and I made a short outline of what needed to be said for the relationship to continue: (1) We do not feel we can trust them. (2) They will not come around our child(ren) after having symptoms without at the very least informing us so we could make the decision ourselves. (3) When we make a decision as adults, a couple, a family, they will be respected. Though this does not mean they cannot have their own opinion, it does mean that it is not an invitation for their input. We will ask for it if we want it. And (4) they will not bring personal issues to DH's workplace again because it risks his livelihood.
So we met up for some coffee. Since it was very busy, we went out to a picnic table. We sat down, and DH had the list out. He didn't read off of it, but he looked at it from time to time. When he got to number 2 (concerning visiting after having symptoms), I saw MIL smirk beneath her hand. I thought it was odd, but then thought maybe she was just smiling because she was nervous, especially since that one specifically concerned her. So when DH was finished going through the points (which I think he did very well. He was calm and made sure to address each clearly), he ended by saying that basically, we just aren't comfortable with the relationship as it is, but we want to try to move forward.
Then FIL said something like, "Well, we could say the same thing about trust. We don't trust your reason-ability." I didn't quite hear the last part, so I asked what he meant. I guess I said it too softly, so he asked what I said and I asked a little louder. He said they don't trust our ability to see things reasonably. My heart started racing. I said, "Excuse me. You came into our home after having serious symptoms and held our 2 week old daughter. That is serious, and I want to be clear that if a friend had done the same thing, we would never see that person again. Ever." Then he said that we overreacted, it wasn't that serious, and we (DH and I) have to think about when MIL had her symptoms. We first reacted to the "it wasn't that serious" part because she blacked out and hit the floor just maybe a day or two before holding our newborn. (Plus, this is the same man that kept calling my DH and went on and on about how worried he was about MIL after the incident and visit--so it was serious when he wanted it to be). Anyway, then he said that we have to think about the time frame and FIL asked what day it was he said she had her episode. DH and/or I said, "Well then tell us when it happened." (It was ridiculous and he could have just said "She blacked out on X day.) It felt like FIL was readying up for a lecture, and I was right. He went, "No, you tell me what I said, because if you forgot or misunderstood then you have to say so!" DH started getting angry and I know I was too, but I tried to keep my cool. I said, "No, why don't you just say when it happened." because I did not want it to be a "He said, she said, whoever said" thing and FIL refused. He accused DH of lying, of being unreasonable and over-reacting, and (as he pointed his finger up to the sky) that DH had to tell the truth and not lie because we were sitting under God.
I absolutely lost it when he started scolding us and went so far as to try to use God against us. So I said (I don't think I quite yelled--I'm not really a yeller, but I was so pissed I'm not sure) [Edit: Nope, DH says I definitely yelled!], "I'm done with you!" DH got up, I grabbed my coffee [apparently I grabbed my coffee, hit it to the table, and the lid popped off] and happened to pop the lid off so as I was leaving I spilled it on myself. I tossed it in the trash can because I had coffee on my hand and was just trying to leave without worrying about spilling it more. And we both headed to the car. I apologized to DH for reacting that way, and he said not to apologize because it was exactly how he felt too and it was definitely warranted. DH says he heard them sort of snicker as we left, but I didn't hear.
So we left and went down the highway to our sitter's apartment. We sat in the car for about 5 minutes to cool off and talk about it a little. Then I see FIL coming towards the car. They seriously followed us to our sitter's place. DH turned and saw him and told him to go away. FIL made the "Time-out" sign with his hands a few times and tried talking to us while we both were telling him to leave. DH again said loudly to leave, and FIL turned around back to his car. We watched them leave and then DH decided to park on another side of the complex so they couldn't follow us again. DH was fuming, so I asked if he wanted to walk with me for a few minutes. We did and after he and I calmed down, he said he was done. I asked if he was sure, and that I would support his decision even if he decided down the line to reconnect (though I couldn't promise I would be okay with seeing them myself). He said yes and even if he did decide to see them again, it wouldn't be for probably 5-10 years. So I said it is important that he is sure, and I said that we could take an indefinite TO rather than committing to a total forever CO. He said he really doesn't want to see them again, but we would do the indefinite TO until he is 100% sure.
So we got DD and were able to hear a cute story of her trying to play with their new kitten. The kitten is pretty sociable, but is afraid of our slow-crawling 11 month old (from her physical delay). He said DD kept trying to get after her, but she was too slow. I'm really happy we were able to relax and just enjoy DD afterwards. Not bringing her was definitely the right decision.
So that's the update. DH wants to send (I think a final) email to let them know if we have any stuff at their house they want cleared out that we can do that, and to get the finances 100% separate. We both realize we probably won't get any of it, even the car, but we only recently received our tax return because of some strange and irritating delay. So we will have enough money to purchase a car and sever the financial ties for good.
Overall, I think we did what we could. I'm still not happy that I yelled, and I wish I could have kept my cool just long enough to walk away. But DH says it was fine--not ideal, but fine. DH said he is just glad we waited in the car and didn't go in to get DD right away. DH is so disappointed and angry that his father tried to completely turn it on us, was so condescending, and then when we left, still tried to control the situation and make us listen to him. DH said he can't believe he thought it would go right, and I think he has lost all hope that he will ever have a relationship with them. I hate that this is how things are, but at least we know they haven't actually changed a bit.
I guess I don't have any specific questions, but if you ladies have any insights or advice to share then we would both appreciate it.
Edited to fix formatting and correct a couple details (in purple)