This is my first post here, but I read the sticky, and I've got my BGP on :) I would really appreciate some advice on dealing with my mom right now.
background: My dad has borderline personality disorder, and my mom is his enabler. Somehow, they've managed to stay married for over 30 years, so whatever dynamic they have with eachother seems to be working for them. My mom is also angry, but for her it comes out in passive agressive ways. From the outside, they look very functional, and are well-known and well-regarded in our community. In private, my dad often used to fly into rages over nothing, they could last for hours, and he will yell and scream at anyone who gets in his way until his mood blows over, and then its like nothing ever happened. My mom deals with this by leaving the house and avoiding my dad until he's done. I put up with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse as a child, and when I was 17 I got my BGP on, moved out, and have been independant ever since. I graduated college, got married to an awesome guy who supports our family, and we have a 4 year old and a LO due in about 3 weeks. DH and I both see a F&M therapist to help us deal with our FOO and set healthy boundaries and support us when we need a TO from our parents. (And to add, my dad has since started getting treatment for his BPD, goes to therapy, and is on medication. I'm proud of the work he has done, his own FOO is horrific).
Over the past couple of years my mom has decided to go back to school and pursue her dream of getting an MFA (Her dreeeeeaaaaam. I'm so sick of hearing about it, and how it's all my fault she never pursued it). She spent my whole childhood as a SAHM raising me and my younger siblings. She is now teaching and going to school, but is terrible with time management and has gotten worse and worse as she over-commits to more things. She has been progressively more and more over-committed and flakey over the past year, and she keeps saying she's going to help me out or spend time with my son, and then cancelling at the last minute, leaving me hanging and my son disappointed.
Anyway, my LO is due in about 3 weeks, and I don't have a lot of good babysitter options. I was feeling nervous about asking my parents to watch my son while I'm in the hospital, but I don't have a lot of babysitter options, especially not for a couple of days. I was nervous because they have a mean little dog that bites people, and even though we've mostly worked that out (the dog is medicated and in a special enclosure), I was nervous they might flake on me or not obey our rules about the dog. I asked if my son could spend the night one night as a sort of warm-up trial-run, to make sure everything would go smoothly for the real thing. Well, last Saturday my mom canceled on me at the last minute, because she has a dinner she forgot about. Then she says she will watch DS this past Tuesday, but her lunch date went late, so she had to cancel again after we had waited for her all afternoon.
We set up the sleepover again for this past Satuday, and I confirmed with her THREE times leading up to the day. On the day of, I send her a text at noon, asking what time I should bring DS over that day. She doesn't get back to me, so I call her phone, and her landline. No-one picks up the cell, and when I call the landline, someone picks up the phone, then hangs it right back up again! They have caller ID, so they must have known it was me. I sent her another text asking if we were still on, or if she was too busy. No response. I took an angry nap because I'm so sick of being stood up, and DH also sent her a text around 3. No response. She finally calls me up around 5 to ask when I was bringing DS over. This is only like an hour before his bedtime, and I'm making him dinner. I was understandably upset, and told her I had been trying to get ahold of her for 5 hours. Her labor with me was only 6 hours long, what if I had been in labor that day? She said, oh, well, both of my phones are broken, so it's not my fault. I told her that was not acceptable, I needed to be able to get ahold of her if she was going to be the one to watch my son while I was in labor. She asked, "are you going to keep making me feel guilty, or are you going to bring DS over?" I said, I didn't know, and she hung up on me.
Then the shit really hit the fan - I never lost my temper even ONCE, but I texted her that I was upset I wasn't able to get ahold of her, and that she had hung up on me, and she started texting me back telling me how manipulative and ungrateful I was. She had spent the last 30 years putting off her dreams of going to art school to raise me, and that's why she was busy, and she had nothing to feel guilty about or apologize for. Then she told me I was being agressive and difficult, and that she refused to talk to me until I was done with "this tirade," and my "lack of self control." I decided I was done talking to her if she was going to be like that. I reminded her that I am not my dad, I am not losing my mind with anger, and I was trying to express that I was upset with her in a calm and controlled way.
The next morning she sent me a ton of texts, and started with casting out demons, who are OBVIOUSLY at fault for this conflict we are having. Then she said she had been so mad at me the night before, she had wanted to get out a gun and shoot me. Finally, she had a lot of excuses for why she had been so flakey, all of which were not her fault, and also, I'm so ungrateful for everything she has done for me (things I didn't ask her to do, or want her to do). And then she finished by saying she had decided she was going to be grateful that I had found someone else to watch my son, because now she could be "as close to me as possible" during labor, so she could pray that I don't die during the delivery. Because, you know, my rough delivery was so hard on HER.
After that, I pretty much cut her off. I told her that I had spent my entire adult life surrounding myself with people who are not angry, who can talk about conflict without losing their minds or wanting to pull out a gun and shoot me, and that I didn't want this drama to be a part of my life. I need a babysiter who has a working phone and who will be available when they say they will be. I told her she wasn't welcome at the hospital or in the delivery room (I had ALREADY told her this after my last terrible birth experience), and that I wasn't planning on calling her until after LO was born. And then I cut her off. She has been hysteria-calling me over and over again since yesterday, and I'm refusing to take her calls or listen to her messages. I managed to put together a different team of people to watch my son, and I feel really good about how I behaved, what I said, and the decision I made.
That being said, I am emotionally EXHAUSTED. Yes, I've got my big girl panties on and I know how to do this because I've done it before with my dad and my in-laws, but man, it's a lot harder when you're hormonal and 37 weeks pregnant and its YOUR mom who seems to be losing her freaking mind and trying to make your life miserable :(
Any advice on how to deal with this drama while I'm having a baby? I want this happy event to be about my family and my new little baby. I feel like her drama is already ruining my day, and I don't want it to ruin my LO's birth or our Christmas!