So I have actually posted before. I won't link my BG because I changed my screenname for more privacy. My Dh and I are having a time with his parents. It is crazy.
If you helped with my previous post about my DH being a DuH, I want to say how much I enjoyed your advice, even the harsh truth of some. Now my DuH is becoming a DH and stepping up to his role as a father. However his parents are still nagging him and it is bringing him down. I am there to help him in any way. We are really working through this and his parents are not helping. Counseling is helping but his parents aren't.
It all started with MIL being our daycare. She did some things that really crossed the line for me and opened my eyes to how much she is trying to raise my child. I put my LO in an actual daycare that cares about the parents' decisions. I am loving it. However my PILs cannot leave it alone.
My PILs have tried to put in their opinion and I kept turning it down saying it was my choice, not theirs. Then they started going behind my back to my DH and he couldn't handle it and turned into a DuH and it started problems between us. Well DH is back onboard with me but his parents have started in again. I can only think of so many ways to repeat myself to them, so I am coming here for a possible alternative that I haven't thought of.
Honestly IMO, my ILs need to find a way to understand, this is my child and the only ones who decide how she is raise is me and DH. If we want an opinion, we will ask. Even if we ask, we don't have to listen (we are adults after all). I am going to type up an email my FIL sent my DH, this was after my MIL disowned DH over the phone (since she cannot have it her way, again not her child to decide).
The email is this:
Good morning,
At first I told MIL it is not fair to ask you to pay for your share of the phone since I told you we would cover it until the contract ended this year, but she mentioned that we had a long-standing verbal agreement that you and OP would allow her to be the primary baby-sitter for DD and you allowed us to go to moderate expense to prepare for that. So I agree that you should start paying your share immediately; she would prefer that you pay the entire bill but I do not agree. You telling her that you did not force her to purchase the baby stuff is about the lamest thing you could say. (The phone bill is actually in my DH's name, he started it in college and added me when we married. MIL and BIL wanted a cell phone that wasn't prepaid and asked to be added to make things cheaper, I agreed if they paid for half and not just their two $10 extra a line. Later my SIL wanted one, she was added with the same agreement. Then SIL moved out and FIL took over that line. Everything was fine at least on my end, one day they asked to pay for it because they didn't like having to make two payments. Whatever, to the lame excuse. I let them pay for it. Last year I started my new job that provides a paid phone, so at the renewal I removed my line and it is just DH, MIL, FIL, and BIL. Now we should pay since MIL cannot have things her way) (Also about the baby stuff. In the beginning, when baby-sitting was agreeable, I was given a free crib, by a FOO's friend, and I took it to my MIL since she would baby-sit and I was getting a convertible crib for long-term. I did not tell her to buy a single thing. She bought a carseat after I told her she could just use ours that we would leave at her house. She bought a bouncy seat and a swing and a stroller... I was like why? I had no say it in though, that was all on her. We have no problem paying the bill, didn't have a problem to begin with, if they really want to be a pain, I can disconnect their lines and they can go get their own plan.)
You both are punishing MIL for something that I was totally responsible for: leaving the baby sleeping for a little over an hour with two adults on your parents' anniversary, which was done for your convenience and our desire to take care of your needs. It was totally my decision and idea when DD was falling asleep after eating and SIL walked in unexpected. It was my idea to make everyone's day better: BIL and SIL would not be getting their supper late in the evening; DD would sleep peacefully; and MIL and I would be back before pick-up time. MIL and I were willing to not have a relaxing meal on our anniversary and hurry home to accommodate your needs because we love you. I did not even order free seconds on the salad. (Note how they tried to complete this before I got there so I wouldn't find out, BIG NO NO to me. My child, my rules. My BIL is 18 and doesn't change diapers or feed DD. My SIL shows me no respect at all and use to fight (literally) all the time with my DH.)
I do not believe in disturbing a person at work unless it is an emergency. The last personal call I got at work was when BIL had his epilepsy. When you look up the work "ingrate" in the dictionary, OP's picture needs to be with the definition. (I am a manager and can leave at a moment's notice for an emergency. I have a truly understanding boss and same goes with my boss's boss. Just because my FIL will put his job before family, doesn't mean I will. I am not being ungrateful at all, they just don't respect any boundaries I try to lay out.)
Next time OP needs to go to the store because there is nothing for supper, tell her to stop and wait for someone who is coming at some vague unspecified time in the future. Let's say for example, SIL. How would OP feel? (My mom was suppose to pick up DD from MIL because I was late leaving work (around 6pm when I leave at 5pm). I texted to inform her because my mom was in the area. No time was given but when my mom was pulling down the road that MIL lives on they passed one another and my MIL kept going to the store. This was also after my MIL told me "No, I will keep her until you get here." She does not like my mom but she cannot keep my child away from my mom because of that hatred. Also my BIL was at the house when my mom arrived, but he wouldn't let my mom in to wait for my MIL to return. Then again this is a ridiculous example, proves nothing really since SIL has no reason to stop by... ever.)
OP is correct that MIL does not like OP's FOO. They did not support you two all those early years. MIL said no, meaning it was no problem for MIL to watch DD late. You cannot force MIL to like OP's family. (No I cannot control her feeling against my FOO, but she can stop talking shit about them since my FOO and me and DH are getting along now and have forgiven each other for the past. And DH and I have learn from it how to handle my FOO. However, I told my MIL just because she cannot let things go doesn't mean she has a right to say when my FOO can or cannot do something with my DD)
I am extremely disaapointed in you both. You should both be ashamed of yourselves. There is no logical reason for this ongoing problem. It will not get better until you can at least be reasonable and fair and alternate weeks of child care; one week MIL; one week Daycare. You claimed it was your preference to not have DD in daycare. If you and OP can not behave like adults and compromise then you have a poor relationship. You know it is best and ideal for your daughter. This has nothing to do with convenience or money. (We said daycare is what we are sticking with it, they cannot accept this decision. In another email, FIL basically told my DH he was a bad parent for agreeing with my ways. I am not the one throwing a temper tantrum, my rules are set, they can learn to live with them or not learn and leave me alone.)
Love,
Dad
So, I put explainations in (). My DH understands this is a guilt trip. I understand that they probably wont stop. There are a couple more emails I will also mention but this is from yesterday. How can I put a stop to this? My DH hasn't responded to any of it... he is just really sad that his parents are turning him away because they can't accept him as a parent.