I had posted in my Feb Birth group about an issue I'm having with my mom. I'm copying the post from there to here. Looking for advice...starting to think I've been handling things wrong. Never heard of JADE before now, I will be looking into it. Anything anyone has to say is appreciated. Sorry it's long.
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So from the beginning I've had some issue with my mom. She TOLD me she was going to be in the room with me and my DH when DD is born. She's also recently been arguing with me over the fact that I don't want anyone in the room for 2 hrs after DD is born. All 4 of her sisters are planning to come up to the hospital to WAIT while I'm in labor (I'm being induced next Tuesday). Today I tried to talk to her about it again and she got mad on the phone and hung up on me. This is the email I wrote her - please tell me I'm not completely in the wrong. Thanks.
"Clearly you and I are having some issues. And since I can't seem to talk to you about it in person, I'm writing this email in hopes of explaining some things without us yelling at each other. I hope you read it all and try to understand where I am coming from. It might still make you mad, I still hope you read it.
I actually wrote you a different email after last family dinner when this topic came up. I slept on it before sending it, and then decided to let it go, hoping that when the time came, the issue would resolve itself. But since it's obviously still an issue and clearly invokes your anger, I can't let it go this time.
I also think the last email I wrote beat around the bush too much, which is why I am not sending that one. I am going to be clear and honest here.
Regardless of what anyone thinks, says, or complains about, I am not having visitors in my room until 2 hours after Makenna is born. This is important to me and I will not be guilted or coerced out of my decision. I have discussed it with Andrew and we both agree this is what we want. That includes you, Dad, his mom, his dad, etc.
It's not that I want to keep you or them from seeing her. I get that it's exciting, I get that everyone wants to meet her. And out of everyone you and dad and Drew's parents have priority standing. I love you all and I WANT you there and your support. I am not trying to cut anyone out. However, I don't feel like my wishes are being respected or supported. Maybe you think I'm being selfish or unreasonable, and I'm sorry you feel that way. But I kind of feel the same way about you.
From my side of things, Andrew and I have been on a very long, emotionally painful journey to get here. He's been there through my tears and frustrations, through all the infertility discussions, though the tough decision of whether to even continue pursuing treatment, through the financial hardship it has caused at times, etc. It took me years to get here and I feel like I deserve to have at least the respect from others to experience this major event in our lives the way I want to experience it. I know I can't control everything. I can't keep everyone from coming up and waiting - I don't care so much about that as I do the expectation that as soon as she's born that everyone will get to come in to meet her.
I am doing kangaroo care, I will have her nursing shortly after birth. I will be exhausted and overwhelmed and I don't want or need other people around trying to snag a look or asking to hold her, or whatever, right away. I want TIME. I want time to enjoy the first few hours of my desperately sought after daughter's life. I want that time to be with just her and my husband - it's special to me and I've waited a long time for it. I believe that time frame is vital for bonding, regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. Anyone that disagrees obviously does not place the same importance upon it that I do - which is EXACTLY why I'm restricting access to my room for the first 2 hrs. Because it IS important to me, and I feel like anyone who can't accept my decision either just doesn't care what I think and value or truly just doesn't support me.
Which is how I feel when you tell me I'm being unreasonable/ridiculous. I feel like you don't care about what I want. I am not a selfish person. But if there was ever a time for me to choose for something to be about me, for me to be selfish, this is it.
I need supportive people around me. If I can't feel like you care about my feelings, wishes, etc. then I don't really feel like I have your genuine support. If you aren't backing me up, that's not supportive.
And I hate to say it, but if you can't be supportive, then you can't be in the labor/delivery room. You TOLD me you were going to be in there, you didn't ask. That really hurt and began all the feelings of disrespect and of being not listened to. What I want has never been asked of me. I might have asked you anyway, but I wasn't given the chance. I didn't argue because I didn't want to hurt you. But I honestly don't know what I would have said if I'd been asked rather than told. But it's left me feeling like my wishes don't matter. Like I don't matter.
I get you and everyone else is excited. But that doesn't give anyone license to tell me what to do. And "doing things for me" - supporting me with gifts, etc. - doesn't mean anyone gets to call the shots. If "support" comes with the price of me giving up my ability to make decisions for myself and my family that I feel is best - then that "support" isn't coming from the generosity of the heart. I don't want "support" with strings attached.
I am very grateful for everything you and dad and everyone else has done or will do for us. I am not going to seclude this girl away from everyone for the rest of her life. It's two hours. Everyone will be waiting for longer than that anyway while I'm in labor. Everyone has waited 9months for this day.
I've waited years. And I'm not going to compromise what I think is right and needed."
ETA: update notice in title