Please forgive errors and typos, I am on my tablet.
Well Dad seems to have hopped on the crazy train with mom.
tl;dr- mom got drunk and passed out while watching LO alone, went to rehab. Dad wanted her back in LO's life ASAP. We said no, laid boundaries, dad overstepped and tried to blame shift and tell me I had mental issues.
BG: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a42513928/x_posted_-_alcoholic_mother_w_bg_and_questions
Mom was released from rehab on Tuesday. LO's birthday was yesterday (Wednesday,) and early last week I had contacted dad to see if he wanted to get together for and early b-day BBQ. My thinking was it would be easier on everyone to celebrate prior to mom's release as I had no intention of interacting with her.
Dad decided to argue about it saying that he wouldn't feel comfortable with that. He then proceeded to say that he didn't see why, in a month or two she couldn't be around LO in a group setting. The conversation escalated and I told him it was not his decision to make, and that we as parents have an obligation to protect LO, and even by bringing him around her it would teach him that she was a "safe" person. I ended up hanging up the phone and sent him the following e-mail:
Dad,
I don't feel I was able to communicate clearly over the phone, and in the interest of making my position clear I decided to write this e-mail. I also don't believe you have grasped the enormity of the situation and the impact it will have on the rest of our lives.
Mom was a miserable drunk growing up, don't you remember the Jekyll and Hyde personality flips? How about me and DB coming home from school with her already drunk or passed out on the living room floor? She has had 3+ DUI's (remember DB was lucky enough to see her being arrested for one of her DUI's while being driven home from school - at 3:00 in the afternoon!)and this is currently doing her second stint in rehab.
You FAIlED to protect us, (heck, you literally ran away) and until the situation was thrown in your face, you FAILED to have my and DB's best interest at heart (and even then it was a half hearted attempt.) Now it seems you are repeating the past and don't have LO's best interest at heart either. For as long as I remember you have been an enabler and have found ways to either ignore or justify her behavior, (you talk big, but action is never taken) I refuse to repeat your mistakes.
My mother is a disgusting drunk who endangered myself and DB our entire lives. She then pretended to be sober to gain access to my child. I trusted her and she endangered him as well. I will NEVER trust her again. My child could have died or been seriously injured because of her actions. Do YOU want that on YOUR conscience because it makes YOU feel uncomfortable or inconvenient to do the right thing?
It seemed like Mom had pulled her shit together, however, it has been going downhill for around a year now and you, DB and I all warned her MULTIPLE times, that if she continued on the path she was on, she would lose her family.
She obviously didn't take the warning seriously and thought she could hide it - haha, after years of knowing her drunk we all can pick up her "cues" (speech patterns, body language and facial expressions) in a heartbeat - and she would even lie directly to our faces if we asked her if she had been drinking.
I can't and won't spend my life sniffing around her, gauging every facial expression, constantly policing her. I just can't do it anymore. I put up with it prior to having my own family, because I wanted to be a "good" daughter. Now, I am more concerned with being a responsible mom and wife. She clearly made a choice. So, I chose also. I am taking me and my family out of the equation.
She made her choice and now she has to live with the consequences, there is no justification, argument defense or explanation that will make what she did O.K., (and I highly doubt this incident was the first time she was drinking while watching LO) She has very clearly demonstrated that she doesn't care about me and she doesn't care about LO, all she cares about is her booze. Let her have it. Let her cuddle that bottle and tell it how much she loves it.
I am lucky as hell that nothing happened to LO while she was 'watching' LO. LO could have DIED, fire, unsecured medicines, chemicals, alcohol poisoning, falling down the stairs, getting outside and getting hit by a car or have been abducted.
It is my job to protect my LO from danger and LO's mental and physical health and well being trump the feelings (sad, lonely, happy) of an unstable 50 year old woman. How dare anyone to try to make my 3 year old responsible for her feelings and emotional well being! What a sick, sick and heavy burden to try to place on a 3 year old!
Forgiveness is primarily for the person doing the forgiving, so they do not carry around hate and resentment toward the other person. Nowhere in the bible does it say, after forgiveness, I have to continue to put myself in the same position to be hurt over and over again. I have pretty much forgiven her - I am not carrying around any hate in my heart for her - but I am not going to put my family in harm's way again. I will not accept any interpretation of forgiveness requiring me to become a doormat and just "sweep it under the rug" - just so no one has to feel uncomfortable about her behavior.
Mom will have no contact or information and she does not get, nor does she deserve any information, let alone pictures of LO as a "reward" or any other reason, period, end of story. Given my personal experience and history this is my Hill. To. Die. On. Anyone who makes excuses or applies pressure will get one warning shot and then they would also be done.
We would really like to have you continue to be part of our lives. However, if you are unable to compartmentalize and follow our rules you will leave us no choice but to protect our family and cease all contact with you. Again, the choice is yours, and I will respect your decision.
Our Hard and Fast Boundaries/Rules:
There will be no mention or reference of mom to us, especially LO at all.
You will not pass on information or pictures to mom about us
You will not act as a go between for mom, no cards, letters or packages
You will not attempt to bring or sneak mom to any future gatherings we set up
You need to find and attend regular Al anon meetings for at least 6 months
The only response I received, 3 days later, to that e-mail was "OK ... I hear you loud and clear"
Yesterday he stopped by and we found a wrapped birthday gift on our doorstep - door was wide open for airflow and all of us were home- and he did nothing to announce his presence. I steamed open the card (in his writing) and was signed "Love your grandparents". This evening I dropped the unopened gift back at their doorstep and texted
"B-day present returned. It is unacceptable to argue with , in an attempt to undermine, parental decisions ans still expect contact with our family. Your response to my e-mail of 'loud and clear' (and which addressed nothing that was written) spoke volumes and made your decision to not respect our boundaries very clear."
I just received this in response:
"OP, you have serious emotional and mental health issues. For the benefit of yourself, your husband and your kids.....your immediate family in total, you need to see a mental health professional. And that is a direct quote from a mental health professional."
My first thought was funny, I don't recall seeing a mental health professional recently, not sure how anyone qualified would be able to diagnose me with 'serious emotional and mental health issues'
But Ladies, I am shaken, and really starting to doubt myself. Am I doing the right thing? I am very unsure on wher I should go from here or what my next step should be.
Please help, I really need your advice.
tl;dr- mom got drunk and passed out while watching LO alone, went to rehab. Dad wanted her back in LO's life ASAP. We said no, laid boundaries, dad overstepped and tried to blame shift and tell me I had mental issues.
Well Dad seems to have hopped on the crazy train with mom.
tl;dr- mom got drunk and passed out while watching LO alone, went to rehab. Dad wanted her back in LO's life ASAP. We said no, laid boundaries, dad overstepped and tried to blame shift and tell me I had mental issues.
BG: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a42513928/x_posted_-_alcoholic_mother_w_bg_and_questions
Mom was released from rehab on Tuesday. LO's birthday was yesterday (Wednesday,) and early last week I had contacted dad to see if he wanted to get together for and early b-day BBQ. My thinking was it would be easier on everyone to celebrate prior to mom's release as I had no intention of interacting with her.
Dad decided to argue about it saying that he wouldn't feel comfortable with that. He then proceeded to say that he didn't see why, in a month or two she couldn't be around LO in a group setting. The conversation escalated and I told him it was not his decision to make, and that we as parents have an obligation to protect LO, and even by bringing him around her it would teach him that she was a "safe" person. I ended up hanging up the phone and sent him the following e-mail:
Dad,
I don't feel I was able to communicate clearly over the phone, and in the interest of making my position clear I decided to write this e-mail. I also don't believe you have grasped the enormity of the situation and the impact it will have on the rest of our lives.
Mom was a miserable drunk growing up, don't you remember the Jekyll and Hyde personality flips? How about me and DB coming home from school with her already drunk or passed out on the living room floor? She has had 3+ DUI's (remember DB was lucky enough to see her being arrested for one of her DUI's while being driven home from school - at 3:00 in the afternoon!)and this is currently doing her second stint in rehab.
You FAIlED to protect us, (heck, you literally ran away) and until the situation was thrown in your face, you FAILED to have my and DB's best interest at heart (and even then it was a half hearted attempt.) Now it seems you are repeating the past and don't have LO's best interest at heart either. For as long as I remember you have been an enabler and have found ways to either ignore or justify her behavior, (you talk big, but action is never taken) I refuse to repeat your mistakes.
My mother is a disgusting drunk who endangered myself and DB our entire lives. She then pretended to be sober to gain access to my child. I trusted her and she endangered him as well. I will NEVER trust her again. My child could have died or been seriously injured because of her actions. Do YOU want that on YOUR conscience because it makes YOU feel uncomfortable or inconvenient to do the right thing?
It seemed like Mom had pulled her shit together, however, it has been going downhill for around a year now and you, DB and I all warned her MULTIPLE times, that if she continued on the path she was on, she would lose her family.
She obviously didn't take the warning seriously and thought she could hide it - haha, after years of knowing her drunk we all can pick up her "cues" (speech patterns, body language and facial expressions) in a heartbeat - and she would even lie directly to our faces if we asked her if she had been drinking.
I can't and won't spend my life sniffing around her, gauging every facial expression, constantly policing her. I just can't do it anymore. I put up with it prior to having my own family, because I wanted to be a "good" daughter. Now, I am more concerned with being a responsible mom and wife. She clearly made a choice. So, I chose also. I am taking me and my family out of the equation.
She made her choice and now she has to live with the consequences, there is no justification, argument defense or explanation that will make what she did O.K., (and I highly doubt this incident was the first time she was drinking while watching LO) She has very clearly demonstrated that she doesn't care about me and she doesn't care about LO, all she cares about is her booze. Let her have it. Let her cuddle that bottle and tell it how much she loves it.
I am lucky as hell that nothing happened to LO while she was 'watching' LO. LO could have DIED, fire, unsecured medicines, chemicals, alcohol poisoning, falling down the stairs, getting outside and getting hit by a car or have been abducted.
It is my job to protect my LO from danger and LO's mental and physical health and well being trump the feelings (sad, lonely, happy) of an unstable 50 year old woman. How dare anyone to try to make my 3 year old responsible for her feelings and emotional well being! What a sick, sick and heavy burden to try to place on a 3 year old!
Forgiveness is primarily for the person doing the forgiving, so they do not carry around hate and resentment toward the other person. Nowhere in the bible does it say, after forgiveness, I have to continue to put myself in the same position to be hurt over and over again. I have pretty much forgiven her - I am not carrying around any hate in my heart for her - but I am not going to put my family in harm's way again. I will not accept any interpretation of forgiveness requiring me to become a doormat and just "sweep it under the rug" - just so no one has to feel uncomfortable about her behavior.
Mom will have no contact or information and she does not get, nor does she deserve any information, let alone pictures of LO as a "reward" or any other reason, period, end of story. Given my personal experience and history this is my Hill. To. Die. On. Anyone who makes excuses or applies pressure will get one warning shot and then they would also be done.
We would really like to have you continue to be part of our lives. However, if you are unable to compartmentalize and follow our rules you will leave us no choice but to protect our family and cease all contact with you. Again, the choice is yours, and I will respect your decision.
Our Hard and Fast Boundaries/Rules:
There will be no mention or reference of mom to us, especially LO at all.
You will not pass on information or pictures to mom about us
You will not act as a go between for mom, no cards, letters or packages
You will not attempt to bring or sneak mom to any future gatherings we set up
You need to find and attend regular Al anon meetings for at least 6 months
The only response I received, 3 days later, to that e-mail was "OK ... I hear you loud and clear"
Yesterday he stopped by and we found a wrapped birthday gift on our doorstep - door was wide open for airflow and all of us were home- and he did nothing to announce his presence. I steamed open the card (in his writing) and was signed "Love your grandparents". This evening I dropped the unopened gift back at their doorstep and texted
"B-day present returned. It is unacceptable to argue with , in an attempt to undermine, parental decisions ans still expect contact with our family. Your response to my e-mail of 'loud and clear' (and which addressed nothing that was written) spoke volumes and made your decision to not respect our boundaries very clear."
I just received this in response:
"OP, you have serious emotional and mental health issues. For the benefit of yourself, your husband and your kids.....your immediate family in total, you need to see a mental health professional. And that is a direct quote from a mental health professional."
My first thought was funny, I don't recall seeing a mental health professional recently, not sure how anyone qualified would be able to diagnose me with 'serious emotional and mental health issues'
But Ladies, I am shaken, and really starting to doubt myself. Am I doing the right thing? I am very unsure on wher I should go from here or what my next step should be.
Please help, I really need your advice.
tl;dr- mom got drunk and passed out while watching LO alone, went to rehab. Dad wanted her back in LO's life ASAP. We said no, laid boundaries, dad overstepped and tried to blame shift and tell me I had mental issues.