I am a long time lurker and occasional poster going anon for the delicate content In this thread. I can CF but I'm not sure anyone would recognize me over here. First off let me just say that I am really working on establishing a working normal meter. Honestly it wasn't until I found this board that I came to terms with the fact that I might not be the source of all of mine/my FOOs problems. But I have a hard time deciphering what I actually need to take accountability for and what I need to realize is not my fault. I would really appreciate advice on where to proceed with my life- what are the big problems and what do I need to do to solve them. This is much too long but I am trying to organize all my thoughts.
I have blocked out a lot of my childhood- I assume as a coping mechanism... But then I will occasionally vividly remember an incident or theme and then I will try to forget it again. For example, I remember remembering that my dad set my sister and I against each other as her being beautiful and I being pimply and ugly (I'm oldest. I hit puberty first.) But it's hard for me to recall the specifics of this theme now. The one aspect I can't forget is much of the time I would come to my parents to discuss an issue or fight I had with sister, my dad would be very concerned I was so jealous of sister. No matter what I complained about, my issues were often attributed to my jealousy of her beauty. My feelings were never legitimate- it was just my jealousy rearing it's ugly head.
I am fairly convinced my dad has a sort of personality disorder- my guess is BPD but maybe comorbid with NPD as he is the most intelligent, witty person there is in his opinion. Anyone who questions this is a total idiot. Growing up, Whenever there was a tension or argument between my sister and I, I would be spanked or harshly punished even if I felt like it was "her fault." There was no debate- it was always my fault. When I asked my dad why this was, he would tell me how it was really my fault... I'm older I should know better... your little sister looks up to you and you are evil to her...) basically I came to believe him and developed a self image of myself as a bad person. I felt guilty about this status but accepted it as the way it was. I felt bad my poor sister had to suffer such a hateful older sister. As we have grown up, she has developed the opposite self image- that she can treat others in whatever way she desires but that people are still lucky to be around her. I lived my adolescence trying to win the favor of my dad to no avail while she showed no interest in him whatsoever, but he would still grovel at her feet.
As an adult this feels a lot like just my parents are "not that into me." My accomplishments in life seem substantial to an outsider (law school, getting into and graduating from a prestigious university, marrying a wonderful person, having our awesome kids) but will always pale in comparison to her joining a sorority or going on spring break with the popular group of kids in high school. Sometimes they will apologize for how sister is advancing so much further in life and to not blame myself for that. (Here, it is relevant that my dad is VERY insecure about social status- it means a lot to him).
I try to have a relationship with them- they ACT disinterested but SAY I am crazy for thinking they aren't just nuts about me. (I think/hope my mom might actually be a non toxic individual but her first response when I share my feelings is to tell me I am crazy and unappreciative and they have done so much for me...) They do however always invite me when the family is going to be together publicly.
What I really have a hard time coming to terms with is how they have tried to push off all their responsibilities to me on anyone else. I feel like ever since DH and I got pregnant in college (out of wedlock) they have been trying to get DHs parents to support me even though I was dependent on them totally at the time (because college) They have funds for each daughter to have a beautiful wedding and have a household income of 250,000 on a bad year- all this to say that they could have easily afforded a small wedding for me especially since they had planned to throw one. But when we became engaged, they beat around the bush about paying for my wedding until DH and I finally said fuck it and got married at the courthouse. They have no qualms (except probably social for my dad) about babies out of wedlock... I feel like they were just trying to avoid paying for anything else for me. My dad never misses a chance to tell me how I was such a financial burden to him... Meanwhile I'm the only sibling who he wouldn't pay to get braces for. My mom talks excitedly about planning my sisters wedding and it really hurts my feelings that I wasn't good enough for a wedding.
Am I wrong to feel like I got the short end of the stick with them? I am especially worried the favoritism will continue to grand kids if golden sister has kids.
I also don't know how to deal with being gas lighted and told I'm an insane controlling person for wanting my parenting choices to be respected. EX: TRIGGER**** my brother molested me when he was really young. He has a lot going on as far as mental issues and I decided I didn't want him to be a part of my children's lives. My mom and dad first told me it was my fault I didn't say anything at the time and why do I expect them to believe I was so negatively affected now when I told them years later, secondly implied that I was lying or "remembering incorrectly" bc I would have told them then if it had happened, and third told me he was only a kid- it was harmless, he would never so it again, esp not to DD, and to sum it all up that they did not support my decision to have him removed from my families life.
I have blocked out a lot of my childhood- I assume as a coping mechanism... But then I will occasionally vividly remember an incident or theme and then I will try to forget it again. For example, I remember remembering that my dad set my sister and I against each other as her being beautiful and I being pimply and ugly (I'm oldest. I hit puberty first.) But it's hard for me to recall the specifics of this theme now. The one aspect I can't forget is much of the time I would come to my parents to discuss an issue or fight I had with sister, my dad would be very concerned I was so jealous of sister. No matter what I complained about, my issues were often attributed to my jealousy of her beauty. My feelings were never legitimate- it was just my jealousy rearing it's ugly head.
I am fairly convinced my dad has a sort of personality disorder- my guess is BPD but maybe comorbid with NPD as he is the most intelligent, witty person there is in his opinion. Anyone who questions this is a total idiot. Growing up, Whenever there was a tension or argument between my sister and I, I would be spanked or harshly punished even if I felt like it was "her fault." There was no debate- it was always my fault. When I asked my dad why this was, he would tell me how it was really my fault... I'm older I should know better... your little sister looks up to you and you are evil to her...) basically I came to believe him and developed a self image of myself as a bad person. I felt guilty about this status but accepted it as the way it was. I felt bad my poor sister had to suffer such a hateful older sister. As we have grown up, she has developed the opposite self image- that she can treat others in whatever way she desires but that people are still lucky to be around her. I lived my adolescence trying to win the favor of my dad to no avail while she showed no interest in him whatsoever, but he would still grovel at her feet.
As an adult this feels a lot like just my parents are "not that into me." My accomplishments in life seem substantial to an outsider (law school, getting into and graduating from a prestigious university, marrying a wonderful person, having our awesome kids) but will always pale in comparison to her joining a sorority or going on spring break with the popular group of kids in high school. Sometimes they will apologize for how sister is advancing so much further in life and to not blame myself for that. (Here, it is relevant that my dad is VERY insecure about social status- it means a lot to him).
I try to have a relationship with them- they ACT disinterested but SAY I am crazy for thinking they aren't just nuts about me. (I think/hope my mom might actually be a non toxic individual but her first response when I share my feelings is to tell me I am crazy and unappreciative and they have done so much for me...) They do however always invite me when the family is going to be together publicly.
What I really have a hard time coming to terms with is how they have tried to push off all their responsibilities to me on anyone else. I feel like ever since DH and I got pregnant in college (out of wedlock) they have been trying to get DHs parents to support me even though I was dependent on them totally at the time (because college) They have funds for each daughter to have a beautiful wedding and have a household income of 250,000 on a bad year- all this to say that they could have easily afforded a small wedding for me especially since they had planned to throw one. But when we became engaged, they beat around the bush about paying for my wedding until DH and I finally said fuck it and got married at the courthouse. They have no qualms (except probably social for my dad) about babies out of wedlock... I feel like they were just trying to avoid paying for anything else for me. My dad never misses a chance to tell me how I was such a financial burden to him... Meanwhile I'm the only sibling who he wouldn't pay to get braces for. My mom talks excitedly about planning my sisters wedding and it really hurts my feelings that I wasn't good enough for a wedding.
Am I wrong to feel like I got the short end of the stick with them? I am especially worried the favoritism will continue to grand kids if golden sister has kids.
I also don't know how to deal with being gas lighted and told I'm an insane controlling person for wanting my parenting choices to be respected. EX: TRIGGER**** my brother molested me when he was really young. He has a lot going on as far as mental issues and I decided I didn't want him to be a part of my children's lives. My mom and dad first told me it was my fault I didn't say anything at the time and why do I expect them to believe I was so negatively affected now when I told them years later, secondly implied that I was lying or "remembering incorrectly" bc I would have told them then if it had happened, and third told me he was only a kid- it was harmless, he would never so it again, esp not to DD, and to sum it all up that they did not support my decision to have him removed from my families life.