Thanks to you ladies (and gentlemen) of DWIL, I found my voice and learned to ask for the respect I deserve...now, I need some advice on dealing with the fallout. I'll try to keep the background brief, but if you need additional information, please don't hesitate to ask. Also, please note that if I don't respond right away, I am not hair-flipping...I completely value your opinions and advice. I just may not be able to respond in a timely manner, as I have my hands full and am trying to adjust to having two babies J
DH and I have been married for three years and have two kids, a 15-month-old son and a 1-month-old daughter. Generally, DH and I have a great marriage. We rarely have issues, except when it comes to his family. DH's extended family lives overseas, and while we are of the same ethnicity, his family is much more traditional than mine. Because of the distance, I didn't even meet any of DH's extended family until around the time of the wedding. Before their visit, DH promised that if I had any issues with them, I should tell him and that he would address it with them. He didn't and still doesn't, and therein lies the issues in our marriage. I have really only had problems with my MIL and OBIL. They aren't malicious, but as per our traditional culture, they expect to call the shots and do what they want. They expect me to just roll over to their will, and they don't acknowledge boundaries. I wasn't raised that way.
Last year, I had a falling out with OBIL. He crossed a boundary, and I called him on it. It was my first time standing up to him, and he lashed out. I put him on an indefinite TO. DH still has contact with him, but it is not what it used to be. DH refuses to address the issue with him...he keeps saying that he will speak with OBIL about it when the time is right. It has been 7 months. Although he agrees that I am right and that OBIL was out of line, he still thinks that we should work out our differences,while I keep telling him that there is nothing to work out; I didn't do anything wrong. In order to resume contact, at the very least, I expect and deserve a whole-hearted and genuine apology.
DH also has an aunt and uncle that he is very close to that used to live nearby. They were the ones that encouraged him to come to this country to further his education, and they took him in and supported him for a year while he got on his feet. He would do anything for them. I got to know them when DH and I were dating, and we have always had a good relationship. Last year, they moved overseas. Now, they are back to visit friends and family for about a month. When they were first discussing their trip, their arrival date was planned for three weeks after my c-section. DH insisted that they stay with us for as long as they wanted. He really wanted to host them as a way to pay them back for all they did for him, as well as to spend time with them. I was not happy about the timing of their visit, but I knew how important it was to DH. In order to address my concerns, I asked him to communicate a few things to them. First, we needed their itinerary. They were planning to travel and visit a lot of people during their stay here, and we needed to know when they would be staying in our home, if they needed to borrow a car, etc. Also, on the recommendation of our pediatrician and the CDC, AIL, UIL and CILs needed to make sure their vaccinations were up-to-date, especially TDAP, and they needed to check with a local doctor to determine if there are any local outbreaks they need to be treated/vaccinated for before their visit. They also needed to understand that I would not be myself as I was only three weeks post-partum and would not be much use while they were here. DH promised to speak with them but he didn't, despite my constant urging, so I finally took matters into my own hands and emailed them myself. They responded back that their trip wasn't definite and that given that we would have just had a baby, they might opt to stay in a hotel during their visit. I felt better, but DH didn't. He thought that my email might have given them the impression that I didn't want them to stay with us (even though I repeatedly reassured them in the email about how excited we were for their visit). So, I emailed them again to AGAIN let them know that we were excited to host them and would like them to stay as long as they wanted. They responded back and all seemed well. A week before my c-section, we still hadn't heard back with their itinerary, so DH finally called them. They told us that they decided not to stay with us as they didn't want to put the kids at risk from what they might bring over from India. Obviously, they hadn't checked on the vaccinations or with their local doctor, as I had requested. DH was disappointed.
They arrived in the country last week. DH went to pick them up from the airport and drive them to their hotel an hour away (in the town they moved from, so they can be close to and visit with their friends). The plan was for them to come spend yesterday or today with us. They would see our new home, spend time with our son, meet our newborn and just hang out with us for the day. On Friday, DH called them, and AIL said that she had come down with a stomach bug and would let us know when she was feeling better. Yesterday evening, DH called again, and they were at a Thai restaurant, so AIL must have been feeling better. He said that he would call them after dinner, and when he did, the call went to voicemail. They are leaving next week to start a road trip for the rest of their trip, so today is the only day they have available to see us. DH is really hurt and is making excuses for them. I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting their behavior. They have always been very considerate, and this behavior is out of character for them. But, they are very close with OBIL and OSIL, so I'm not sure if my fallout with them has something to do with it or if they are still upset about my email.
What should I do? Should I call or email them to let them know how much they're hurting DH? I feel responsible for creating a wedge between DH and his extended family and hate that DH is hurting. And, he is so proud of our new home and of our children, he really wanted to share that with someone from his extended family...none of the rest of his extended family have made any effort to come visit us and meet our babies. Should I speak up and leave it between him and them?
Thanks for reading and for your help!