So. A little bit of background, some relevant to today.
MIL and I had a great relationship til my 3yr old DD was born. Typical, really. We started out being very close friends, even through my pregnancy she was pretty good. The second the baby popped out via Csection 6wks early, boundary after boundary after every single boundary stop ensued, although I had no spine to stand up for myself. My birth and postpartum was a disaster, there was some pretty shitty behavior on her part, and some TO-ing, and my DH was pretty good about setting her straight when needed. (I have a very long background post from about 2+years ago if interested and some additional info under my old user name).
She has come a very long way in the past year or so, so far that, for the most part I actually can enjoy being around her. Yes I am still hurt from stuff in the past, but she has sincerely apologized to me more than a few times for her actions, and vows to never do stuff like that again, even though I think there are some things she doesn't agree with me on. We have moved on, and for the most part things are pretty good. In my opinion, it is like a success story in progress, thanks to the help and advice from DWIL. (I am still not and probably will not be for quite some time, be comfortable with her babysitting, after a really bad scenario in the past with her and my child.)We saw her yesterday, in fact, and things were great, until the newest grandbaby showed up, then she baby hogged and became annoying. She kinda hovered over me when I would hold or play with him, did the "clap clap come to your MawMaw" thing. (I do not allow her to call herself that to my kid. No way. Gross. All the other aged 14and younger grandkids do it though) the new grandbaby is 9mo old.
She is her oldest daughters daycare for her 3 young kids. My DH has 2 older sisters and both are losers pretty much. The sister being discussed here though is the oldest, 48, and is married to an even bigger loser. Both of them, broke, barely work, he rarely has a job and when he isn't working, will still ship all the kids off to my MIL so he can do whatever all day, probably meth-smoking away what little money his wife (my SIL) makes. PILs literally pay 95% of their bills for them. I'm pretty sure they both do meth, neither of them have more than a couple black rotten teeth in their mouths.
The kids all wreak of cigg smoke, are always dirty, their house is disgusting...
And the parenting...oh my! Example: SIL and MIL came to my DDs 3rd birthday party, I came out of the bathroom to find the 6mo old unbuckled in his car seat, bottle propped up on a blanket, and the car seat perched on the back of my chair. The back of the chair is about 8in wide, and about 3ft long. No adult in sight. Everyone was out on the porch.
This is typical. My family friend who is a L&D nurse along side my mom came in and saw what I saw, as I was walking toward the chair and was all "what the hell". And yes. We rescued the poor kid.
MIL also did skin-to-skin when baby was younger. No bra on under her Tshirt, and baby's head poked up thru the neck with hers. Gross.
Anyway. That's what that situation is.
The situation at hand...
MIL is having a hip replacement today. It's been known for about 3wks that surgery is today. I really want to be of any needed help to MIL because of how far our relationship has come. Like I said, she watches the baby while SIL works. I am a SAHM, and offered to help with childcare while MIL recovers, both with the baby and the other two school-aged kids. Because SIL cannot afford childcare, period. For the last 3 weeks, SIL won't communicate with me, except for two times-once on the phone, once yesterday. Her phone never has service supposedly. And when I check in with MIL, she's says that yes, SIL is in fact counting on me for childcare, then the next day it changes to she doesn't need me, then goes back and forth every time we speak, so MIL and I really have no idea what is up.
Three days ago, SIL finally called me, saying she needs me each week, Monday Tuesday, and Wednesday. The other two days she is able to take baby to work? Whatever. So, I clear my schedule for today thru Wednesday, no problem. I was happy to, because quite frankly, that baby is going to have the best childcare he has ever had in his short life, staying with me. See examples above.
Now, yesterday, MIL tells me that her daughter found a babysitter and I'm off the hook. Well, that's fine, I understand, except I'm pissed that #1, SIL couldn't tell me herself. And #2, thanks for all the back and forth trouble you put me through. It's rude!
I only volunteered to be nice, to offset the cost of daycare to SIL, well, MIL really, since SIL relies on them for all other financial stuff, and I knew that if I didn't offer, SIL would stick her parents with the bill (their fault for enabling, absolutely, but they will do it for the kids' sake). OR, MIL will feel the pressure to have to do childcare while she is laid up recovering from this surgery!
I want to help, my MIL wants me to help, and SIL can't make up her damn mind if she wants me to help.
FIL is also pretty much helpless, think 50s-era marriage/housewife type stuff, can't/won't cook for himself, and will wear his underwear inside out to go another day, can't/won't do laundry. He refuses all suggestions of anyone, myself and even his wife pre-cooking meals to freeze so he can just throw them in the oven for dinners. I know he will not be of any help to MIL around that house. MIL has told me all this and predicted this.
So I have told MIL that I will help in any way, she is all for it, but just wants to see how it goes with FIL first. Ok understandable.
So, my question is, do I even offer anymore? MIL has made it clear she wants me to help and stuff, so I am not boundary stomping. I don't think I am anyway, if I am, then please say it to me, oh wise DWILers!
And what about SIL? I just KNOW that she will be having her mom call me to babysit at a moments notice, because she won't want to pay the babysitter when she can get it for free. So, should I say no, too little, too late? Or should I do it still, since I volunteered to begin with? MIL wants me to be the childcare, she would rather the baby be with me than a stranger and she knows what kind of mother I am.
What do I do, here?
I really want to be of any kind of help my MIL needs, especially since we have come so far in our relationship.
Sorry this is so long. And also I'm sorry for any typos, I'm on the iPhone today. And I will answer any and all questions anyone may have
MIL and I had a great relationship til my 3yr old DD was born. Typical, really. We started out being very close friends, even through my pregnancy she was pretty good. The second the baby popped out via Csection 6wks early, boundary after boundary after every single boundary stop ensued, although I had no spine to stand up for myself. My birth and postpartum was a disaster, there was some pretty shitty behavior on her part, and some TO-ing, and my DH was pretty good about setting her straight when needed. (I have a very long background post from about 2+years ago if interested and some additional info under my old user name).
She has come a very long way in the past year or so, so far that, for the most part I actually can enjoy being around her. Yes I am still hurt from stuff in the past, but she has sincerely apologized to me more than a few times for her actions, and vows to never do stuff like that again, even though I think there are some things she doesn't agree with me on. We have moved on, and for the most part things are pretty good. In my opinion, it is like a success story in progress, thanks to the help and advice from DWIL. (I am still not and probably will not be for quite some time, be comfortable with her babysitting, after a really bad scenario in the past with her and my child.)We saw her yesterday, in fact, and things were great, until the newest grandbaby showed up, then she baby hogged and became annoying. She kinda hovered over me when I would hold or play with him, did the "clap clap come to your MawMaw" thing. (I do not allow her to call herself that to my kid. No way. Gross. All the other aged 14and younger grandkids do it though) the new grandbaby is 9mo old.
She is her oldest daughters daycare for her 3 young kids. My DH has 2 older sisters and both are losers pretty much. The sister being discussed here though is the oldest, 48, and is married to an even bigger loser. Both of them, broke, barely work, he rarely has a job and when he isn't working, will still ship all the kids off to my MIL so he can do whatever all day, probably meth-smoking away what little money his wife (my SIL) makes. PILs literally pay 95% of their bills for them. I'm pretty sure they both do meth, neither of them have more than a couple black rotten teeth in their mouths.
The kids all wreak of cigg smoke, are always dirty, their house is disgusting...
And the parenting...oh my! Example: SIL and MIL came to my DDs 3rd birthday party, I came out of the bathroom to find the 6mo old unbuckled in his car seat, bottle propped up on a blanket, and the car seat perched on the back of my chair. The back of the chair is about 8in wide, and about 3ft long. No adult in sight. Everyone was out on the porch.
This is typical. My family friend who is a L&D nurse along side my mom came in and saw what I saw, as I was walking toward the chair and was all "what the hell". And yes. We rescued the poor kid.
MIL also did skin-to-skin when baby was younger. No bra on under her Tshirt, and baby's head poked up thru the neck with hers. Gross.
Anyway. That's what that situation is.
The situation at hand...
MIL is having a hip replacement today. It's been known for about 3wks that surgery is today. I really want to be of any needed help to MIL because of how far our relationship has come. Like I said, she watches the baby while SIL works. I am a SAHM, and offered to help with childcare while MIL recovers, both with the baby and the other two school-aged kids. Because SIL cannot afford childcare, period. For the last 3 weeks, SIL won't communicate with me, except for two times-once on the phone, once yesterday. Her phone never has service supposedly. And when I check in with MIL, she's says that yes, SIL is in fact counting on me for childcare, then the next day it changes to she doesn't need me, then goes back and forth every time we speak, so MIL and I really have no idea what is up.
Three days ago, SIL finally called me, saying she needs me each week, Monday Tuesday, and Wednesday. The other two days she is able to take baby to work? Whatever. So, I clear my schedule for today thru Wednesday, no problem. I was happy to, because quite frankly, that baby is going to have the best childcare he has ever had in his short life, staying with me. See examples above.
Now, yesterday, MIL tells me that her daughter found a babysitter and I'm off the hook. Well, that's fine, I understand, except I'm pissed that #1, SIL couldn't tell me herself. And #2, thanks for all the back and forth trouble you put me through. It's rude!
I only volunteered to be nice, to offset the cost of daycare to SIL, well, MIL really, since SIL relies on them for all other financial stuff, and I knew that if I didn't offer, SIL would stick her parents with the bill (their fault for enabling, absolutely, but they will do it for the kids' sake). OR, MIL will feel the pressure to have to do childcare while she is laid up recovering from this surgery!
I want to help, my MIL wants me to help, and SIL can't make up her damn mind if she wants me to help.
FIL is also pretty much helpless, think 50s-era marriage/housewife type stuff, can't/won't cook for himself, and will wear his underwear inside out to go another day, can't/won't do laundry. He refuses all suggestions of anyone, myself and even his wife pre-cooking meals to freeze so he can just throw them in the oven for dinners. I know he will not be of any help to MIL around that house. MIL has told me all this and predicted this.
So I have told MIL that I will help in any way, she is all for it, but just wants to see how it goes with FIL first. Ok understandable.
So, my question is, do I even offer anymore? MIL has made it clear she wants me to help and stuff, so I am not boundary stomping. I don't think I am anyway, if I am, then please say it to me, oh wise DWILers!
And what about SIL? I just KNOW that she will be having her mom call me to babysit at a moments notice, because she won't want to pay the babysitter when she can get it for free. So, should I say no, too little, too late? Or should I do it still, since I volunteered to begin with? MIL wants me to be the childcare, she would rather the baby be with me than a stranger and she knows what kind of mother I am.
What do I do, here?
I really want to be of any kind of help my MIL needs, especially since we have come so far in our relationship.
Sorry this is so long. And also I'm sorry for any typos, I'm on the iPhone today. And I will answer any and all questions anyone may have