Long time lurker, first time poster. Thanks to the wonderful advice here, since my DS's birth over a year ago I have been able to shut down many boundry stomps and maintain positive, peaceful relationships with family on both mine and my husbands side. So much thanks.
However, my relationship with my mother has always been difficult (not always, but often) and now things have come to a head. I'm unsure how to proceed and am hoping some of you can give me an outsider's perspective and maybe a new way of looking at/dealing with the situation. This is long, like two pages in Word long. Apologies on that. It was like word vomit once a I started.
Background: I am the eldest child of a military officer. We moved frequently and my father was often gone 9 months every two to three years. My MOO was a SAHM through my teens and made my younger brother and I the center of her world to an unhealthy degree. On military boards, I've sometimes seen this refered to as military wives syndrome. She often fought our battles for us, so to speak, and would passive aggressivly shut down situations where we might exert our indapendence. Example: During college I was offered a job at a summer camp two states over, but she convinced me that it would be boring/too hot/I wouldn't make enough money/etc. Instead she got me a job at her office, where I conveniently moved home from school for those three months.
My mother often treated me like a friend. She once "confided" that my father resented us for "how much she loved us," her words. As I got older and would call her on her innaproptiate overshares, she would say "I don't have anyone else to talk too." This was a really common theme with my mother.
My parents marriage has always been an unhappy one. They have no common interests, not in movies, TV, activities, anything really. I don't recall a single display of affection between them, though I do recall my mother pushing my Dad aways and saying "Gross" whenever he tried to hug or kiss her. To be fair to my mother in this, I remember my Dad was often unhappy with her and had a quick temper with both her and us. No verbal or physical abuse, but just in general short and unhappy often because of my Mom. I know now, thanks to those lovely overshares, my mother often used sex as a weapon or would treat him like crap in private and then be overly nice in public knowing he was still mad.
Another thing, she hated sex. In tenth grade she once told me, upon hearing a rumor that a friend of mine was sexually active, that she would "get pregnant, get AIDS and die."
That said I had a pretty amazing upbringing. We spent a ton of time doing activities as a family, or really just the three of us as my Mom would stay in the car as she was "sick." Separately, my Mom was great with us alone, just not when my Dad was there. My brother and I don't know why they didn't just divorce, but even then, we treked all over the world, experienced all sorts of amazing things, and are both adjusted, educated happy people in really good relationships. We both agree we didn't learn it from them, but instead our loving paternal grandparents, whom of course my Mom often mocked for being too affectionate.
Around the time of my grandfather's death my freshman year of college, my father's attitude became much more calm to my mother. He no longer became as annoyed when she treated him poorly. He just put up with it. He also told me that he was proud of me and that I should go out into the world and do what I want in life and not worry about he and my mother.
I took that to heart, worked through college, saved up and moved accross the country to a big city after school. My mother, apparently cried everyday for six months. I made the move on my own, and was receiving daily woe is me phone calls. There was always something wrong, health, my Dad, friendships. I started ignoring her calls or calling her on innapropriate behavior. At one point I even told her that I wouldn't have a relationship with her if we continued like this. She backed off and I later learned got some therapy. It helped for many years and she offered a sincere apology and showed growth that lasted from 05'ish through my DS birth in '13.
I feel like I'm really trashing her here and only presenting the bad side. She really is a loving mother. She sacrificed for us, but I couldnlt help but feel like it was often to her benefit and not ours. She is helpful and there for people in need and treats our spouses well.
But as you all always point out, when a grandbaby comes in the mix, everything goes to hell.
My parents retired to their last duty station. It's expensive and a PITA to travel to litterally BFE. We used to do it once a year, but I'm not getting stranded overnight on layover with a one year old.
She was here shortly after his birth and that's when I noticed the crazy coming back. He was maybe 8,9 days old and we were in the kitchen when I said, "Hand me the baby, I'm going to go sit down." She responded by saying, "Go sit down and I will hand him to you." I let that one go. A few days later I asked for him again and she goes "Did you wash your hands?" I leveled my eyes at her and in a calm but serious voice said "When I tell you to give me my baby, you give my baby." She backpeddled and sputtered an apology so fast, it was like something from a sitcom. She's been okay, but she's just teetering on the edge of innapropriate all the time. She told my son she loved him more than she loved anyone else in the world. It's her right to feel that way, but I told her to never say that to him ever again.
She's been coming about every two months for four days, and the visits are fine, but I can see that something unhealthy is happening between our dynamic again. So much of her happiness is dependent upon my DS.
Now to the very present and my question. Recenlty my parents suffered a home emergency of sorts. They are out of their house and the damage will take roughly two months to repair. They have lost most of their belongings, but have insurance. My mother has decided that she's moving to my and my brother's state of residence, regardless of whether or not my father wants to join her. She laid this on my Dad at a time when their house is in chaos. We've been telling her for the last year that if she wanted to move here, she needed to discuss it with my Dad, but she claims she can't talk to him, they don't have that sort of relationship, he wouldn't understand, etc. A few years ago, my father did have a stroke that affected his speech, but he's not brain damaged. She just won't communicate with him.
Basically this text was sent to my brother and I this morning: "I told your Dad I'm moving to BelleAnon current state with or without him....I can't bare to be away from you both....thank you for your support in this....don't tell your Dad I told you."
Literally, WTF?!?!? I called my brother and I don't know how to respond. I'm flabergasted that she would, one, think this is appropriate to share with her adult children, two, think that we would support her leaving her marriage to move here, and three thank us for "our support." We don't support this!
Honeslty, even my brother can admit, it's not about us as her children, it's about my DS. My mother put us first her entire marriage, always putting my Dad last, and now she's going to put my DS first. That's not fair to my Dad, nor is it fair to my DS to carry that on his baby shoulders. I don't want my Dad to resent him because my Mom is so selfish.
And the narcicistic whip cream on the cake is that she thinks my Dad is the selfish one, otherwise, "Why hasn't he offered to move yet?" I'm not even sure they've had a real effing conversation about it.
So, I don't want to be involved in this. I just don't. I don't know how to tell her that. I don't think she will listed. I don't want to cut off her access to us, because she's not a terrible person, but I feel like she's being terrible right now.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired. I'm sorry I'm complaining, I'm sorry this is so long.
How the hell do I even have a conversation with her about this? I'm not ready to CO yet, but I want to lay down some boundries. She's shown she's capable of improving and it lasting for years. But what boundries do I lay down?
Sigh.