I'll admit it. I snapped on her and it was wrong. It was on debil. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and everything is going excellent so far. Well, my last few visits have been fantastic and I'm praying everyday that I'll have a healthy happy baby, one that I've always wanted.
I was placed on bedrest during my 12 week appointment simply because of sciatic nerve pain and SPD. I'm one of those unfortunate women who's baby is resting COMFORTABLY on a nerve and it hurts like heck. Baby is healthy, kicking and moving from the last ultrasound and when I saw my baby doing all that movement for the first time, I told myself the pain was worth it. My bedrest is very light. I'm not limited to staying in bed all day, just no sexual activity and taking it easy as much as I can.
My MIL, well I should say future MIl because I'm not married, but I'm very close to her and I'm still in a loving relationship with her son has been very involved with my pregnancy. You see, this is her youngest son's first child and he and I are both in our early 30s. I told her about the last appointment because she communicates with me every appointment and wants to know when the next one is. I told her I was on LIGHT bedrest until my next appointment and told her when my next one was because she always asks. I don't know if that scared her or what's going on but she's flipped into I'M YOUR MOTHER MODE. We usually talk often and text each other but her responses after she heard my doctor's response was DO WHAT YOUR DOCTOR SAYS AND GET SOME REST. I took it lightly and told her not to worry I won't be doing much anyway and her response to that was PLEASE DO WHAT THE DOCTOR SAYS.
I ignore it after that and let it go. So, a few days later she gets in touch with my boyfriend to let him know that some of their extended family popped into town for a visit. My boyfriend is anxious to announce the news and has a ultrasound photo that he wants to show off. I wanted to go just to get out of the house. I'm not in much pain, the nerve pain seems to get worse when I'm sitting in one spot for too long or getting out of bed when sleeping, otherwise I'm fine. She totally disregarded me stating that I needed to get some rest. Okay, I left that alone too. I know that I can be stubborn sometimes so I tell myself that if she's saying it more than once then I'll stay put.
After that, a few more days pass and I see something on debil about Fridays offering a $10.00 all you can eat appetizer. I'm like heck yeah, I'm not passing that up. I'm currently pregnant and a bottomless pit. I feel like I'll finally get my money's worth at an all you can eat restaurant because I don't eat much. Now mind you, I have not made any future plans to go. I posted the ad on my personal page to say that I wanted to make a trip there. My boyfriend chimes in to say let's go and she immediately posts in the comments
Not before your next appointment.
So I ask why?
Her response: Not before your next appointment.
So I try to explain to her again that I'm not on complete bedrest and that maybe we can go as a group. Her birthday is coming up, I don't mind sitting down at a restaurant with her. We used to go out all the time.
Her response: Not before your next appointment.
Now, maybe I'm hormonal to add, but the fact that she kept repeating herself as if she was in complete control of me, I snapped. I'm 31, grew up very fast at a young age: (I'll get to that part) and telling a 31 year old woman who runs her own small business what to do....... It doesn't sit well with me. She had been saying the wrong date of my next appointment so I pointed that out to her in a very passive aggressive way to get her off of my personal page. She left me alone after that.
So, here's my dilemma. I feel very bad about it. She hasn't contacted me or her son after I flipped. I don't want to get between them and I certainly don't want to cut her from my life, but there are some clear boundary issues that I am either going to have to find a way to get through without flipping again, or discuss them with her. My boyfriend was upset about the tone I took with her. He came to me in a calm manner to tell me that sometimes you need to take the things she says with a grain of salt. (As in, let her say and do whatever she wants and then just ignore her) I asked him if he found that type of response effective and he said yes. I don't agree with that. I believe in saying how you feel instead of rug sweeping so it doesn't happen again. He explained to me that it's her way of being stubborn to get her way and that arguing with her is pointless because when she does get upset she can be a grudge holder and drag out an argument for days. So, I tell him whatever, it's cool next time she tries to boss me around, I will let her speak her hearts desire and act like she's not even in the room.
Back to my dilemma.
This woman is notorious for boundary stomping. I've seen it first hand with her oldest son and daughter in law. They've been married for 13 years (god I envy them with a humble smile) and have four beautiful and well mannered children.
Over the course of my two year relationship this is what I learned.
1. Oldest son has put her in a timeout numerous times. More than you can count. I don't know why, I have not asked him or his wife. I don't feel like it's my business to know what's going on in their home. She's told me this personally and says it's because she thinks her son is bipolar and when she says something he doesn't like they don't allow her to see her grandchildren. I bring it up to my boyfriend, asking is his brother bipolar. He tells me that she's not a doctor to make that diagnosis and that they haven't always had the best relationship. I leave it at that.
2. On Easter, the Oldest son was taking to long to come over with the grandkids so that we could have Easter dinner. His wife had a final exam to study for. She's in her clinicals to become a registered nurse and very close to finishing so this was a great time for her to have some space to study. Well, her response to him taking too long was "I'll just come over there." I mean, I was literally sitting on her couch and the next thing we were taking a 30 minute drive out to their house. My boyfriend was upset with her and asked me why didn't I just say we'll go home. I looked at him like it's your freaking mother, you ask her yourself you scary cat. Well, while we were there, Oldest son's wife has a mountain of books on the table an she's trying to study. I felt so horrible and I told her I was sorry. MIL got in my face when she heard me and told me she has four kids she is used to this kind of noise. I just walked over to the couch and left it alone.
3. She has hinted through my pregnancy (it's still very early just started the second trimester) that we are going to be so sick of her when the baby comes because she will be there every day. I'm like oh heck no you won't.
4. She popped over with the grandkids last summer while me and my boyfriend were relaxing in the afternoon, still in our pajamas, just enjoying some alone time. There was a free jazz fest going on just a few miles away. We greeted them because he doesn't see his nieces and nephews much. She told us to get in some clothes and that we were coming with her. Moreso focused on her son. She told him that she would whip him if he didn't. They left, and I found it kind of strange. I said something to him about it, and he got upset because even when she's wrong he will defend her. She texted us about 20 times on the way there. My boyfriend had to be up very early the next morning for work as was falling asleep at the jazz concert. Then she realized, my bad I didn't realize you had to work. He did not say anything to her, he just ignored her (as he does when he's mad and let her get her way)
5. Thanksgiving. She was mad at me because I did not feel like going over Oldest Sons house for thanksgiving. I was raised a Jehovah's witness and though I don't practice the religion anymore, sometimes it just sticks with me. I don't like to celebrate every holiday. That's something I'm working on personally, learning to accept traditions. Anyway, I agreed to volunteer at a charity her job was hosting. They would drop me off after and head out there. Things did not work out for the charity, so we ended up having brunch at a casino. While we were there, she said some things that disturbed me.
*Oldest son works so much that he's not involved with the kids
*Kids are failing school
*Oldest daughter unfortunately going to be a dropout. Her mother is encouraging her to try for her GED because there's no way she will graduate with her class.
*Oldest son's wife is lazy and that's why the kids are not up to par.
I told her that maybe they are doing the best they can to get by. She's in school, her husband is paying for her tuition plus all of the bills while she does her clinicals. Maybe once this is all over, she's put more focus into her home. She shrugged. What disturbed me the most was if she talks about them like that, what the heck does she say about me? I definitely wasn't about to ride out there and sit in their faces after that round of gossip and my boyfriend was chiming in with her, it was disturbing.
She is extremely bossy. It's been her way of life and even my boyfriend as well as a friend of hers have told me that this will NEVER change about her. I'm 31 year old woman, she and I will have heavy arguments when it comes to trying to control me. My Grandfather raised me due to my mother having a severe mental illness. She lives in a group home and things are getting worse for her. I deal with my mom the best way I know how and it gets really hard for me emotionally and because of that I don't see her as much as daughter should. Being raised by an old man, you had to learn on your own pretty much how to be a woman.
My MIL had opened a new doorway with me, one that I never had before. I've never been able to do the things with her that I do with my mother. I'm definitely not trying to replace her with my mother, I love my mom and accept her for who she is. My boyfriend is cautious with my mom because he's ignorant of mental illness and doesn't understand she has good days and bad days. He's very nervous about letting her see the baby and doesn't even want my mother in the house because of it. I cannot argue with him about this because sometimes she's unpredictable. However, whatever it takes I'm determine to make sure my mom knows her grandbaby. He wants to wait until after six weeks and we go visit her at the group home were there are staff there that know how to handle her.
On the other hand, he wants his mother here to help us. Nope heck no I shut that down. I don't know if she knows this or not but I have clearly told him that she will not be in the delivery room when I deliver, nor will she been hanging around while I'm in labor. I had surgery last year, had my left Fallopian tube removed. She was there with me with my boyfriend. The first thing she did was say I was being dramatic about my IV because it was uncomfortable. As soon as I stood up to use the bathroom with the help of the nurses, my IV popped and fell onto the floor. I just looked at her and she was completely dumbfounded. Nope, she's not getting a second opportunity. NO.
Now, I want to get along with her. In fact, I plan to send her an email apologizing for snapping after this. I want to tell her in this email that my life was very different from many children who grow up living normal healthy lives. I've fought for everything in my life and I've been on my own since I was eighteen taking care of myself the best way I know how. When another grown woman comes around and tries to take over my home (that I worked very hard for), tell me what to do with my life it makes me very defensive. I don't know if I should do this or not.
At the end of the day, not matter what, whether our relationship improves or deteriorates, she will always be able to come visit her grandbaby. She can hate me and I hate her to the bottomless pit of hell, she will still be able to have a relationship with this child so long as only one rule is followed. I don't talk bad about you to my child, you don't talk bad about me to my child. I've grown up not knowing my father's parents (because he died when I was young), my grandfather purposely kept me from them as a child and now that I'm older, our relationship is difficult. I feel like they are distant cousins barely holding my bloodline and I have resentment towards my grandfather because of this. I DO NOT want that for my child. When my child is old enough, he/she (I don't know what I'm having yet) will make the best decision for them who is a good family member to be around or not.
Sorry this is long and I'm ending it here There's so much I can go into. I'm definitely going to apologize because I was out of line to just snap so publicly she's my boyfriend's mom and I should have more respect for myself and for her, but do you think I should go ahead and have a talk with her about my boundary concerns. Do you think it's a good idea to talk now, or should I avoid it all together and just apologize?