Hi, all!! I have been lurking this board every day since I was pregnant with my 3 month old, and seldom posted. I created a new account to share my story for privacy reasons. This might get long, so bear with me!
I started dating my husband young, and got married as soon as we graduated college. Being so young, I just wanted to please my FMIL so I ignored some warning signs, and never stood up for myself. This was pre-DWIL, and I had some self-esteem issues. The craziness didn't start until DH and I were engaged. I think the first red flag for me was that she asked to wear white to my wedding. She wanted herself and my FSIL, who was 14 at the time, to wear white so we could "look like the Kardashians!!! (Barf) Don't worry, that's what is popular now". (At least she asked... I guess.) This was around the time of that Kardashian wedding in 2011. I shut that down in the nicest, doormattiest way possible with a "Uhhhmmm... no, I don't think so." My poor SIL is the sweetest girl. She is very quiet and shy, and lets MIL trample all over her. So off SIL went to try on this white "bridesmaids" dress. It was a less formal wedding dress in reality. She looked so embarrassed, and mouthed an "I'm sorry!" when she came out of the dressing room. MIL squeeeelleed, and told me it was perfect! After a long day at the bridal salon, and explaining that the other bridesmaids would not be wearing white, she caved and bought SIL an appropriate dress. And herself an off-white sparkly mother of the groom dress. Total fail on my part for letting her, but I was so exhausted from the argument over SIL dress, I just let her.
At the ceremony, she insisted she take pictures with DH. Just she and him. And she grabbed on of the bridesmaids bouquets. So the pictures look like she is the bride. Ugh. She also decided to make a surprise toast after the fathers' toasts. It was horrible! She went on and on about how a mother is her son's first love. She called me "DH's girlfriend" and "the girlfriend" multiple times. DH's face is beet red during all of this, and after a few rambling minutes, he said "Okay mom, wrap it up." She finished her toast by calling herself "DH's number one girl." DH was mortified and in later conversations, has said that was the point where he knew his mother was crazy. (So in a way, I am glad it happened.)
There were some other boundry stomps after that, like organizing my kitchen, and hanging up decorations "as a favor". But things were okay because we mostly avoided at all costs, and acted civil. FF, I get pregnant. She ramps up the crazy. Luckily by this time, I have started lurking this board, and am somewhat prepared. She demands to be at every appointment and ultrasound. We say no. She cries. DH is really good at this point at putting her in her place, and I stop answering her calls. She demands to be in the room for L&D. We say no. She cries. Tells us she "doesn't feel like a grandmother" and this was supposed to be a special time for her. Whatever. We still ignore and register private. We actually don't inform her of DS' arrival until we are at home. (Major thanks to this board for this)
We let her visit when DS is 5 days old. She cries these huge crocidile tears when she sees him. He is nursing, so I tell her to wait to hold him until he's done. She sits literally inches from me on the couch and huffs anxiously the whole time. He somewhat falls asleep, but is still latched on when she says "I've waited long enough! It's grrraaanndmaaaa timee!!" And YANKS him off my boob. (that hurt like hell!) And she walks to the other side of the room. I say "Give him back!" And DH, who is in the kitchen making dinner, says "MOM! You can't do that!" She starts on about how she is the matriarch and that means this baby is as much hers as he is mine. And how she deserves to hold him as long as she wants because they need to bond. DH is washing the raw chicken off his hands while she's saying all this. When she sees him coming to get DS, she hightails it off to the other room. DH comes back with the baby and tells MIL that she needs to leave. She starts BAWLING and yelling that she wishes DH was a girl because girls don't break their mother's hearts like boys do. And that we'll be sorry when DS is grown and treats us like this. She ends her tirade with a "Karma is a BIIITTCCHH!!!!" DH throws her out and she keeps yelling and crying on our front porch. He calls FIL (who is a lovely man, and can actually rein in MIL's crazy) and tells him the situation, and that he needs to come get MIL. He tells FIL that we need space from MIL and that if she tries to contact us, we will resent her and our relationship will be permanently damaged. FIL tries to make excuses for MIL (he says she is acting this way because of menopause...) but eventually tells DH that he understands.
So that was about three months ago, and we haven't heard much from MIL. She sent us a card about a mother's love. And we have a few VM that we haven't listened to. FIL calls every once in a while to see if they can come over, but when DH says no, he just says "Alright... let us know." I guess the purpose of this post is to thank you all. Even though I was a lurker, I read so many posts about boundries and how to handle difficult people. Although we have failed some, I think this situation would have turned out very differently if I hadn't stumbled upon this board.
Oh! And a question, when would you ladies end the TO, and under what circumstaces? Thanks for reading all of this! And for any advice.