Sorry, this is going to be a long one.
Backstory: MIL is very narcissistic and has problems with almost everyone but it is never her fault. She has not spoken with her own mother or sister for years, minimal interaction with brothers, and my FIL divorced her a couple of years ago right before their 30 year anny because he couldn't take it anymore. She doesn't have many friends (DH didn't really grow up with any family friends, she was dead set on them doing things as a family and even went so far as to turn their childhood karate lessons into something the fam did together). DH has one younger sister- she is late 20s, still lives off parents, very entitled and repeating the same choices as MIL. Nothing is her fault either.
Apparently MIL has never liked most of DHs girlfriends. The story that I just learned that really paints a horrific side of her: In college, DH was dating a girl at a nearby college. I don't know many of the details, but she called him one night after being sexually assaulted. DH, upset and in shock, later called his mother-- I'm sure he wasn't going to go to his friends, as it's a very sensitive matter, but just needed some guidance, some support, whatever. His mother proceeded to imply she was slutty and told him that his girlfriend had just cheated on him! ![Surprised]( "Surprised")
...But back to our backstory. She was always very controlling, very standoffish and judgmental. She often makes comments on DH's weight (he's a pretty slender to average guy) and SILs weight. I *know* she has about mine, especially as I have troubles getting the PP weight off, but I dont want to know specifics. I just know that she has made comments to DH. She demanded DH spend the morning of our wedding with just her because it was her babyyyyyyy that was getting married and she wouldn't really speak with anyone else. We told each of the grandparents on their own about baby, and when it was her turn she said congrats, and her second thoughts was that she would be the one to plan the shower. On the way home she told SIL that she better have found out before FIL or it would break her heart.
When we had our baby this year, she way overstepped her boundaries- she was in the room when I was getting a catheter! I was too mentally and physically tired at that point to speak up, and I am kicking myself for that. She was in there to bring her babyyyyy food (never mind I had a 30 hour labor and couldn't eat and that smell was fucking delicious) and IS A NURSE and never asked how I was or gave any attention to what was going on while in the room. After many days in the hospital, I finally had the baby in the middle of the night. We had midwives and were wanting to do kangaroo care- the whole zen, peaceful delivery. DH had verified with MIL and SIL no announcements of birth, that was ours to do. Things were posted by them within minutes. Ok, that sucks, no respect to our wishes. Both families were out in the waiting room while we bonded and I was tended to (again, nurse- or even as a woman- should know what happens down there after giving birth). She went on a rant and pointed to our room and said "THAT IS SOME PURE SELFISHNESS IN THERE." She even texted DH that we needed to hurry because it was late and people were tired. In all, they were in there 2 1/2 hours after babe arrived. No one said anything because no one ever says anything to her.
In the first weeks after LO, SIL was still sad about a breakup she had had months earlier with her BF. MIL regularly told DH that he should be focusing on SIL and giving her attention because she had a case of the sads. Side. Eye. I'm pretty sure that MIL and DH discussed SILs love life often after LOs birth often, much to his chagrin. It's like the focus couldn't be on him or his happiness.
DH never really saw any of this as wrong, as he grew up with it. He would say "she's being nice, so let's appreciate it while it lasts and before I mess up again." ![Frown]( "Frown")
But recently he's grown a pair and while he used to be frustrated but just bury it deep down, now he realizes that it's just not healthy for him to do.
But recently he's grown a pair and while he used to be frustrated but just bury it deep down, now he realizes that it's just not healthy for him to do.What started this particular story (and I apologize for the looong backstory, I don't have anyone to truly vent to about this!): she had a storm in her area on the 4th of July and DH texted to make sure she was ok (they often text or email). No response. SIL called to say "mom is upset that no one cares about her or has asked her how she is, you need to make sure that you get in touch." DH then texted his mom and said "Hi! SIL just let me know you were upset. Are you mad at me?" No response.
MIL send a 1000 word email about how he was a disappointment.
Points include:
-his communication about the storm wasn't good enough, and she didn't raise him to be "this way, don't really understand what has happened over the past few years, but am trying my best to try to come to terms with it."
-"You know how you feel about your son? I feel the same way about my son, only the feelings are much more intense, because every year that goes by the love you feel gets stronger and richer and more complex as that baby grows into a man. I hope you never know what it is like to feel cut out of your son's life, or to feel like you are an afterthought to him."
-"Yes, you are married now, and you have a child now, but you are not unique in this aspect of life"
-We spend time with our friends, but these are people who we've only known for a couple of years but the "burden" of spending time with family is too much (we just haven't been invited and well, she's difficult to be around so we don't ask!)
-She doesn't ask him for help, but is upset that he doesn't help her with things.
-She doesn't know about our lives, and he should tell her so she knows what's going on.
-....But the next point is that he doesn't know anything about her life, and he should ask her so she knows that he cares.
-Says that we "don't even have to worry about inviting me over to your house anymore, since you didn't like to do that"...but we've never expressed anything of the sort.
-She ended it with some PA stuff about how she had mistakes in her life but loved him unconditionally and was his mother, flaws and all, and would love him because "he was her son."
DH responded that he was hurt (the email was brutal) and needed some time to himself to sort through all of it- a TO, but even with a warning that it was happening. She said ok but proceeded to interfere because it was killing her not to be in control. An email with the subject "gentle reminder" with the date she would next be in town, and had SIL text DH when she was at MILs telling him he should "stop ignoring mom."
DH finally sent a DAMN GOOD email back. Worthy of caps. It was to the point, expressed his feelings, but wasn't overly emotional or mean. She often bullies people and he never stands up for himself. But this was different. It addressed every point she brought up, and ended with "I think we're both disappointed in what our relationship has become, and are both hurt. But to move forward, we both need to admit our mistakes and make efforts to rectify what is wrong in our relationship. I realize that I should have addressed many of these issues when they happened. I will continue to work on my communication skills, but will also have certain standards for how I am treated. I do think that it would be best for us to continue communicating via email for now, as I find that this is the easiest way for us to both express our feelings without getting interrupted or sidetracked."
She sent an erratic email back at 2 am that he was taking the easy way out by emailing (never mind that he was responding to her email) said she was ignoring all points but one (she actually said that!) and that the fact that he was so willing to leave things as they are breaks her heart. In DH's email, he had responded to only the issues or instances that she had brought up, save for one- he brought up how she has treated my family. Including the circumstances surrounding the birth. She said that she would only address that, and went on to deny saying anything, said my FIL was misbehaving (my sisters only gushed about what an awesome guy he is, as they had had limited contact with him before), that she "saved" us from my mom being overbearing, had to run interference with my dad and my sister, etc etc.. and generally played the go-between for us. It was like an alternate realty. None of that happened. She explained that she was never rude to my family, ever, but then listed her problems with my folks (minor ones), and that my sister didn't friend her on FB. Nothing pertaining to DH and MIL's relationship or any of the issues. She then sent another email minutes later that read:
Subject: Bright Side
While you may think I am difficult and I am not perfect, at least you have a mom who loves you and cares about you, wants to be a part of your life, and will move heaven and earth for you if needed.
Love you,
Mother
Love you,
Mother
....oh my lawd! DH again responded that he wanted to work on things and would wait on her to respond, as he was open to communication. He said that he was just responding to her original points and wanted to discuss it further to work on their relationship. He said that he would welcome any communication but that they needed to actually talk about the points she brought up, not just the one. He really does want to work on it and give it his all before making any drastic decisions. Anyways, she doesn't respond to his email or try to contact him after that.
FF to today. We're vacationing with my mom but MIL doesn't know that. The two women have spoken to each other when they met, at wedding functions, baby related things, and not much more in the past 5 years. MIL proceeds to call my mom throughout the day!!! It freaked us all out. She finally leaves a VM tonight and tells my mom she needs to speak with her. After consulting with DH, my mom calls back. MIL was calling because "she didn't know what was wrong with DH and what was going on, but wanted to make sure that no one thought she was rude." Never mind the fact that she was calling MY mom instead of communicating with DH, never mind that she has said that DH is wrong about everything to do with their relationship and takes no ownership. And on and on.
We've both been reading up on narcissists. I think she went that route because a common theme is that a NMom doesn't want outsiders (in this case, my fam) to see their flaws. So it upset her that my family- never mind almost all of our friends who have come in contact with her- thinks this about her. So she needed to focus on that instead of the real issues with her own son.
So, I am writing this because I feel pretty confused as to what to tell DH. He often comes to me to ask for advice and I just don't know what to tell him. I would absolutely cut out. She didn't respect the TO at all (she also kept sending him emails about other things, like sports articles, news clips, etc during the time out in addition to trying to force him to talk).
We're both kind of worried about how she has escalated this situation all from a text- it's because she HAS to be in control, and any time she isn't she kind of loses her shit. A rational person wouldn't be like "hey, my son and I are going through some things and he wants to talk it out. Instead, I'm going to call my DIL's mother!" I know she loves him, but how she treats him breaks my heart. He said that he was relieved and happy during that month, because he missed her but that he wasn't always worrying about what he was doing wrong or what she would get mad at next.
Soooooo....what would you say to the boy? I need advice from women like you guys, who have experience and know their shit. If you were him, what would you say? Even some advice on how I act- I've kept out of it per DH's requests but LO's first birthday is coming up and I dont know if I invite her, or don't and forever feel the wrath of that (DH doesn't know what to do).
Edited for formatting.