There's a lot of irrelevant background that I can expand on if needed.
My husband and I live across the country from our families. His family is WONDERFUL, but mine is bordering on horrible and just plain dysfunctional.
A couple years ago, my mom, stepdad, and youngest brother came to visit for a week. My oldest sister, a disgustingly self-centered witch, commented on a photo that I posted of my mom and I (this was the first time my mom had visited me in the FOUR YEARS since I had moved from home.) on the Debil making turkey on Thanksgiving that I "stole her Mommy" and "she missed her mommy" etc. and when I told her that, surely, she could do without her for a whole week, flipped out, F YOU, F HER, She's not a good mom anyway!, etc, etc. Bam, done, CO. She brought no good to my life and I never saw her anyway. Life is better without her.
Well, during this visit, Little Brother (LB forward) was a brat. After they left, we realized that he had bought $50 in ppv porn (for honesty's sake, I'm going to admit he was NOT successful buying these, but we didn't realize that until we'd already called our landlord and explained why those were on our bill and totally humiliated ourselves) and that he stole all of the cash from my 2 year old's piggy bank.
I called my mom and was livid. I hadn't yet realized that he wasn't successful at buying the porn and was so mad that we had to call our landlord and embarrass ourselves. The titles were hardcore and super graphic, so it was blatant what it was.
He was never punished for any of it. I have to be honest here so I get the best advice, and admit that I never told my mom that he didn't succeed in buying it because the intent was there. Nothing ever happened regarding the porn, or the stealing (which my mom's argument was "We didn't catch him with it, so I can't punish him!" which means to me that she was calling me a liar unless SHE or my step dad stole it, which is unlikely.
FF to next April: Finally get a BFP, mom offers to come stay with DS1 while I was in the hospital having DS2. I make it clear that LB is NOT welcome in our home. I get a care.com back up sitter on a regular basis just in case I don't make it full term so I don't have to leave DS1 with a stranger. Mom knows LB isn't welcome, but waffles with 2 weeks until my due date and says that she "can't find someone for him to stay with." I was already lurking here and did what I thought DWIL would tell me to do and said that I understood if she couldn't find care arrangements for him and I'd find alternative care for DS1. She left him with my sister, where she'd intended him to stay to begin with, which leads me to believe she was just testing to see if I'd let up. They stay, have a mostly pleasant visit, no baby-hogging, just visiting with DS1 and helping care for the baby while I bathed, etc.
Now to the problem: She wants to come out for Thanksgiving again this year. DH and I have remained firm on the "No LB allowed" but she keeps conveniently forgetting, which is making me so frustrated. We have a guest room that we have no problem allowing them to stay in for a week, but after reiterating 3 times this year (each time she conveniently forgot) that he wasn't allowed in our home, she says, "No problem! We'll just bring him along and get a hotel!" But she's still going to want to bring him into my house, which I'm not comfortable with, not just because of all of this, the fact that he would try to buy porn as a guest in someone's home at 13, but also because *trigger* my niece (who was molested by her paternal grandfather at 4) claims that he molested her. My whole family says that she was coached by her dad and the police agree, but honestly, once an accusation is made, why would I risk it with my two precious boys.
The latest development is trivial, but annoying nevertheless. My great aunt, who pet sits for my mom, when asked to pet sit, invited herself along. My mom thinks this is a great idea. They can split gas money. But my mom had the brilliant idea that she and SD can stay with me for 3 days and LB can spend the night in the hotel with GA and then GA can stay in my guest room for 3 days and LB can stay with them. This wouldn't be so bad except my GA is a chainsmoker (DH and I are both non-smokers and don't like smoking around our boys) and she invited herself to come stay for 2 nights on our couch 3 years or so ago, it was miserable. DH and I lived in a 1b/1ba condo, 640 sqft with our 1 year old. She spent over half of her visit chain smoking in front of our condo and the other 1/4 she wanted me to chauffeur her around since she didn't know how to get around. And she suggested pizza and didn't offer to help pay for it because she was broke, then spent almost $150 on vacation destination t-shirts. Oh, and she complained that her back hurt because our couch was uncomfortable.
I seriously am just done with this. Am I overreacting with regards to LB, (unproven molestation accusations aside?) My MIL does a good job of helping me sort through all of this crap, and she doesn't think I'm overreacting, but my family and my mom's inability to get this through their heads and stop rug-sweeping all of his crap is just making me waffle. Thinking about their visit is stressing me out so much. I'm so sick of having to put my foot down. How can I make her see reason?