It's time. It's been over 11 years and I just can't take it any more. It's times like these that my MIL feels like the "other woman" in our relationship and it needs to end now. I'm so incredibly thankful to have found DWIL, because I feel like we finally have some tools for HIM to deal with her, but FUCK! I really just can't believe I've been putting up with this for so long.
BG:
DH and I have been together, in a committed relationship for 11 years. There were HUGE red flags right from the beginning, but I rugswept just like he does.
I'm a very forgiving person, was raised to be a doormat by my mentally ill and emotionally abusive Nmom (complicated situation, the two of those together!!), and am really just now healing from the extreme trauma that made me that way. I'm pulling away from her sad victim grip. I don't want it any more (several FOO posts for some other time). And what being done with my FOO bs means, is that I won't put up with shit from DH and PIL's anymore either. I'm a very empathic person with insight on what makes people "tick" probably moreso than the average person. And that really gets in the way, because I forget about myself in the process of being a fucking bleeding-heart doormat. But I also have a defiant streak which I can tap into. I'll often be the first one to stand up and declare "This is utter bullshit!" but the last one to be brave enough to do anything about it, if the person is in any position of authority (or presents themselves that way). My spine has been straightening and I can see some definite shimmer peeking through. So that's good.
DH was raised by an Nmom who operates in a completely polar opposite way than mine. She is the domineering, seriously-fucking-know-it-all, very small Midwestern town attorney and Upright Citizen involved in every organization... and everyone's business. She LOVES a captive audience and will rattle on about jack-shit for an hour, not letting anyone get a word in edgewise. She is the Head Bitch. No one, but no one, argues with her. Her stern look could burn a whole city down. She demands your respect through her frightening presence, total manipulation and PA-ness. FIL is the biggest fucking doormat ever. My take on the situation (and several other people's - completely independent from mine) is that he is closeted-gay and is a bitter old man with perma-CBF who resents his life but has to keep up appearances, lest he admit that it's been a sham all along. It's incredibly sad, really. AND HE IS MARRIED TO THAT BITCH. For over 40 years.
Some examples of her assfuckery before delving into the current shitshow.
First red flag: DH went "home" to visit his parents soon after we first met. While there, he sent me an email, and here is an excerpt: "I talked to my mom about me worrying that they would think that it is to soon for me to start dating someone. She said, "(DS), you and (ex-gf) weren't married and she didn't die. People break up because they foud the right person all the time. You seem very happy and we want to meet (gf)." That's exactly what she said. It was like another weight off my shoulders. I was prepared for an arguement and ready to fight for our relationship. I care what my parents say but I'm 27 and I make the decisions in my life. I was just so happy to hear her say that." Pretty fucked up if you ask me. But TELLING. And of course, I didn't see it as such a huge deal. I'd never encountered anything like it in my life. I took his words "I'm 27 and I make the decisions in my life" at face value.
Another example: A few years ago when SIL got married in GA (we live in the Midwest), we took the opportunity to make a week of it. His parents bought our plane ticket and we stayed with them in a house that they rented, and in hindsight I think that gave them the go-ahead (in their minds) to be dicks. I am going to come straight out and say that I see several areas where DH and I fucked up. We shouldn't have invited ourselves to stay for longer than a couple days and have a little vacation time to ourselves -which, btw, didn't happen that way. We should have gotten our own hotel and paid for the plane ticket. The truth is that we couldn't afford it, but we should have found a way. I realize this now.
Somehow, I was thrown to the wolves one day, and was offered up as the person to accompany MIL to the airport to pick someone up. It was about an hour & 1/2 drive. She started in right away, with the prying. She brought up gay marriage. This was four years ago. In terms of gay marriage, that was a long time ago. I shared that I am very strongly in support, and she wanted to argue the "separate but equal" civil union bullshit. They are religious (DH and I are not, but have never directly addressed it with them), and she used the whole "marriage is part of the church" line. I argued my point, and added that I have a family member who is a lesbian in a LTR who has adopted two special-needs children. That finally shut her up. The point here is that she would never speak out against equal rights "in polite company" (in fact, now that it's been more front & center, PIL's are all for gay marriage... they are big in the DFL and would never want people to know they are wankers). I believe she was trying to assert herself over me. It was a test. I stared out the window for a bit, knowing this was going to be a long journey. She didn't win this time, but there was plenty of time to wear me down. After a bit, she started blabbing again... I can't remember what the conversation was about. But she casually dropped the word "Negro." I was astounded!!! Never. Ever. Ever. Ever. have I heard anyone use that outdated and racist term. And I can say, once again, that she would not have used it in any other company. Another test. And this time, I had been worn down. I just went silent for most of the rest of the stupid "errand" I had been appointed to. I was shocked. I'm ashamed of myself for this, and today I would rip her a new one. Luckily, once we got to the airport there was no need for conversation anymore, and the person she picked up was SIL's bff from same tiny-town as them, so they wanked each other off for the whole way back to wedding-town.
During this visit, I developed *extreme* cabin fever (add to this the fact that I'm an introvert who needs more-than-average space & solitude). I asked DH to spend ONE evening with me, exploring the city by ourselves, connecting, decompressing, etc. Whelp, he couldn't manage to tear himself away for even an hour, so I took off on foot to explore (and BREATHE) by myself. Cue dramatic phone conversation awhile later when I got a bit lost and had it out with him for not prioritizing or even caring about my needs above hims mommys. I was so DONE with it. Our relationship was nearly severed. Only time we've ever gotten to that point. He did end up meeting up with me, we went out for dinner and a drink, his sis and BIL met up with us for a bit, and things were smoothed over. He started therapy around that time, but I didn't notice a big change. I also didn't push the issue.
Another example: PIL's came to visit last summer, awhile before our wedding. I was struggling a lot at the time (I've got an anxiety disorder and was not dealing very well with the logistics of planning this huge event). DH was at work on a Saturday morning - PIL's had gotten into town the night before, but we hadn't seen them yet. DH didn't know what time he'd be off work (sometime before noon) but ASSURED me that I didn't need to entertain his parents. That he would deal with them. I woke up early (very rare for me) and made the mistake of posting on the debil, where I'm sure MIL way I was up. An hour later, 8am or so, I got a call from MIL saying that they were a block from our house. Nope. Not going to happen. I was furious, panicked. I said "I'm not showered and ready for the day. That's not going to work." She was all huffy with me. (Seriously?? Who the fuck do you think you are??) I agreed to meet them at the farmer's market a couple hours later. When I got there, they were nowhere to be found. I guess they thought they were teaching me a lesson by making me wait for them. :::eye roll::: More time to myself, I guess. IDGAF. When we found each other about 20 minutes later, FIL had the balls to say "So. Are we calmed down now?" Just reading that makes me literally cringe. I couldn't make this shit up. There were words with DH later that day. "Get your parents under control."
FF to our wedding. When we announced our engagement to them a year prior, MIL had excitedly offered to get me a room in the hotel we were using for some of the guests, and she had said things like "Oh, we'll get you a massage, blah blah blah." I'm not used to this kind of thing at all. I grew up in poverty and don't expect to be doted on, but I do think if you tell someone you are gifting them with something, you should follow through. Neither DH or I brought it up over the year, but neither did she. This hotel room didn't happen and I ended up staying in a room that my mom booked for me, last minute, at the Motel 6 or whatever local dump. It made me feel really really sad and guilty that my mom, who has no money, felt the need to do that, but that was her way of contributing something to her daughter, so I accepted. I'll note that I did have a backup plan and didn't expect anyone to put me up.
At the wedding reception, MIL took me aside and told me how grateful she is that DH has someone in his life to push him. "He really needs someone to do that." O_O True that I push him. Her place to say jack shit about it? NO. Did she say anything about how much she loves me and that she sees her son is head over heels for an amazing woman who she's so happy to call her DIL? Pshh. No. Just this really fucking weird statement.
This last piece of bg is the most fucked up, boundary wise, imo. After we got married, I overheard him on the phone talking to her about the legal aspect of our union, health insurance, etc. I had told SIL, in an anxiety-ridden rant about the impending wedding (read: time pressure because of logistics for the EVENT, not questioning the event or commitment), that we are not signing any legal papers for the time being, because it doesn't serve us financially. Mistake. SIL and I aren't even that close, but I was vulnerable, and SIL had called & asked how I was holding up. I blabbed to her, and guess who blabbed to mom. So MIL had called up DH, and implied that she was concerned that we could get in trouble for some reason since DW told her I'm on state health insurance. First of all, not the case. I know my rights and responsibilities. They didn't take his finances into account the last ten years, why would this be any different? There is no common law marriage in our state. Making our marriage legal is our choice. Nothing was different before we had our wedding, commitment-wise, or otherwise. Our wedding was a celebration of our love & years-long established commitment. But we all know how MIL feels about marriage. And ours involves neither god, nor the law. Yup, it's offbeat. But it's Our Fucking Business. Not up for discussion. He was hemming and hawing, stumbling over his words... it was embarrassing and I was fucking livid. I piped up (the bitchy DW in the background, yes I was), JADE'ing in an angry, this is none of your business, tone. I shut the shit down. He did say in there, at one point "Mom, we have this under control" but it wasn't enough. After I piped up, she shut up. A few days later, she apologized to HIM, and told him that she planned on calling to apologize to me. She didn't do so. I didn't call her on it, but it really fucked things up between us.
I don't even know that I'm ready to see her, a year later. IDGAF about having a true relationship with her. Their family is only surfacy-rugsweepy anyway. So from now on, I'll probably just be cordial. I have never had a relationship with this woman outside of in person, with DH present. And a little bit on the debil. And now that they've been across the country since retiring a year ago, we haven't even seen them.
That brings us to last night. She called my phone, wanting one of us to call her about a message she got about DH's phone acct. He's been on their account for years and they have paid his phone bill for him. Did I mention he is 38? (BAD, I know, but if they're offering, blah blah blah.) So yesterday he got a new phone and his own account. His phone wasn't able to be activated right away... that's 2 1/2 hours at the Verizon store that we'll never get back, but I digress. So he called her back. Just as we were getting ready to get in bed to watch a movie and pass the fuck out after a stressful day. The acceptable way to go about this would have been to say "Hey there. You got the message because I got a new phone and my own account. Nothing to see here. Bean dip for about 5 minutes, tops." Nope. He proceeded to do the usual "reporting" back to her every last detail, including cost, etc etc, as if to ask permission, as if he owes her some sort of an explanation. As if he has done something wrong. JUST LIKE HE DID REGARDING HIS NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH ME 11 YEARS AGO. Yes, I'm yelling, because fuck. I am just connecting those dots as I type this out. I am just *beside* myself right now. I've always known this is partially a DuH problem, but at this point maybe it's MOSTLY a DuH problem??? So I was peeved. Then, he got up and started pacing. He has always hated to talk to PIL's while I'm within earshot, because duh. (Not DuH). If he can keep me in the dark about how fucked up the dynamic still currently is, he's content.
This is when I heard him start talking about a visit from them. "No, next weekend is DW's birthday, and her dad will be in town." "No, the weekend after that we have a wedding." His voice was shaky, and he was hemming and hawing just a bit about the wedding weekend, as if it could maaaaybe work out. But settled on "No." Bitch was strong-arming her way into visiting us with no warning or invitation, when SHE wanted!! He said that if it was after those weekends, maybe he could drive to hometown rather than them driving up here. I actually think that was sort of awesome of him, because I would have the choice to not attend, but man, if I did, then I would be on THEIR turf. A little while later my sister beeped in (remember this is my phone), and DH said, "No, I'll have to talk to Dad tomorrow, DW is getting a call." Getting her off the phone never would have happened, btw, in any other circumstance. He normally doesn't decide when the conversation is over, or have any control of the conversation. She prolonged the goodbye to the point that he didn't catch the call. Which is not a big deal, but dude. When someone is beeping in, don't normal people just say, "OK, ttyl, bye!"?? I let my sis leave me a vm and didn't call back because jesus.
DH did not want to talk about it (surprise, surprise) but I wasn't going to let it go this time. YES, he made some improvements. I do see that. He finally told me that yes, MIL was extremely butthurt and bitchy about "her" weekends not working out. He also confessed to me that, about a month ago, she had brought up visiting. I was pissed that he hadn't mentioned it to me. I guess she had mentioned the end of October. There are several problems with this. First of all, you don't invite yourself to visit someone. You say "I would love to come see you sometime, if that is okay with the two of you, and would work with your schedule. Please let me know if there is a date that would work out for you." Second, she had mentioned the end of October. She is now pushing for not only the beginning of October, but *next weekend*. Hell no. RUDE. I am under no illusion that this was anything but premeditated fucking manipulation. But guess what, DWIL'ers? I'm seeing her pattern, her master tactic. Is it called bait & switch, I think?
DH *knows* she's a huge problem. He just refuses to tap into that deeply buried anger. He has pulled away from PIL's in the past year, not answering their calls, and only calling back when he feels like it, drawing the weekly calls out to every 2 or 3. But he hasn't dealt with it head on. I overheard her asking awhile ago if there's a reason he's been so distant, and he blamed it on work, busy, blah blah.
I told him last night that it is really *fucking hard* to be in the position where I am, on one hand, the pissed wife who expects him to handle his FOO (and I should be emoting for myself, not him), and on the other hand, the real key to teaching him the tactical ways to break this cycle, if only he'd find his balls, and do it. I have DWIL. I've learned some really great one-liners to shut that shit down, and am armed with more insight than I ever have been, and a shit-ton more than he is. I think he'd be receptive to role-playing, and I am more than happy to do that because I know it could be super helpful. I don't have the patience to wait for therapy (him) at this point. (I've been in therapy for years). I know DWIL would help to fast-track this shit. I do have patience for him if he will put forward a good solid effort to make change. Let's not forget that she's an expert and did this shit for a living for 30-some years. Not only is she a shark (lawyer), but some crazy brand of animal who fucking eats her own young!!
We have no lo's yet, but hopefully it will happen fairly soon. This shit needs to get taken care of ASAP. SIL actually told DH recently that she'd help him by "running interference" when a lo does come along. To me, that's pretty telling. It's actually pretty awesome, given that she's the GC and in her eyes, in the past, anyway, they can do no wrong. She's been pretty broken by them, actually. I saw some fucked up dynamics surrounding her wedding. (Breaking down & crying NOT because they were being dicks to her during wedding week, but because she was so guilt-ridden that they "made her have to get angry at them." W. T .F.) PIL's are getting on her last nerve lately. The reason they moved out to GA is because that's where she and BIL live. She probably moved there to escape these fools, and they followed her. Good thing they aren't planning on having kids. Who knows, maybe PIL's are contributing factors to that decision.
After getting this all out, I'm trying to parse out exactly what part of this I'm looking for advice on. Maybe more insight into the dynamics? Talking points for him would be great. I can come up with some, for sure, but we could certainly use your expertise. One thing I know he's going to need to get comfortable with having to say to her is "STOP. You listen to me." It's sad, but necessary. I asked him last night if he would feel better about getting it out in a letter/email, putting her in her place that way. He wasn't sure. I know it's an option with pros & cons. We need to weigh them. The biggest thing is that she would use it as "evidence" and show it to the rest of the family, but if he calls her on all her bullshit, it would be self-incriminating for her. Yep, I'm using the court analogy. Pretty apt, methinks.
So, DWIL, whatchyoo think about this cluster-fuck?
(edited for minor formatting)