I have been a member of DWIL for a couple of years now, struggling with both my FOO and my ILs. While I am embarrassed it has taken me so long to actually come to these realisations I wanted to share with you and thank you!
In the last couple of weeks I had begun to see my mother again after a 6 month TO (I have always known she was pretty cray-cray but she has been relatively normal for the last 3/4 years and has recently finished her training as a mental health professional). Some bizarre behaviour had resurfaced around Christmas and I had taken the decision to put her and the rest of family (enabler father and golden child sister) also on a TO.
There are decades of BG but they are not hugely important. It is all fairly standard DWIL - enabler/absent father, GC/addict sister who still lives at home, my brother seems also to be a GC (I think you can have more than one) and lived at home until recently. My parents still support him and his family financially.
I am independent and have been for some time. Since the birth of LO (nearly 2) my mother has been desperately trying to reinsert herself into my life.
She has told me that I must have PPD/PPP - I have been low but my doctor and therapist are confident that I have it under control. My mother keeps trying to get me to see a therapist of her choosing, and stop seeing mine (I have seen her for nearly 5 years, she is a little unicorny but in general is fabulous).
There are other issues but this is my main one. So she was on a TO. I decided to give the relationship one last shot. Boy was I wrong. She lasted less than a week.
She wanted me to bring my son to her house (where my addict, unmediated bi-polar and border line sister also lives), I said no, not appropriate and got very angry after everything we had discussed.
She went mental. Totally crazy. Accused me of all kinds of things, made up things. Apparently I made her do various things including cutting off some of her friends (she had mentioned she did not like these people but I did not comment, after all it is her decision), I pointed out I had not said anything. Apparently I do not need to say anything to MAKE people do things (the power of mind? My presence? Forced her to do these things????).
Then I said I loved her but the situation was not sustainable. She told me I did not love her or my sister. People who love properly would do ANYTHING for the people they love. I won't do anything so I don't love them. Fine mother! I won't be a doormat anymore so I guess I don't love them. I just hung up. There was absolutely no point engaging with this crazy.
I don't know what it was about this conversation but a light bulb went on. My mother is crazy. She gaslights. I think she has narcissistic tendencies. She does not fulfil all the criteria but she displays a fair few! Her insistence I must have PPD/PPP - she has told my whole family I have this. Everyone keeps saying how concerned they are/she is. It is infuriating. I am not depressed, sure I am bit tired bit show me a mother of a toddler who isn't??? I think I am the scapegoat in my family and she is infuriated that I am not pandering to her or my GC siblings.
Since this conversation she has sent me several emails like nothing has happened. I take this as an extreme form of gaslighting, pretending like that conversation never took place. I am BHing (thanks DWIL).
Her insistence that I have PPP has concerned me and I have mentioned this to my doctor (I took my LO for a well check).
I am prepared for FMs.
I feel like this is it. The scales have fallen from my eyes. I think an indefinite TO/CO is the way forward however, my mother has previously ignored boundaries and just turned up at the house, left gifts, started shopping in my town (we live several towns apart). I keep my doors locked and am happy to call the police.
Is there anything I am missing here DWIL? When she can't Hoover me back in with her 'nice' emails what should I expect? You all seem good at predicting what other posters' crazy relatives will do.
In the last couple of weeks I had begun to see my mother again after a 6 month TO (I have always known she was pretty cray-cray but she has been relatively normal for the last 3/4 years and has recently finished her training as a mental health professional). Some bizarre behaviour had resurfaced around Christmas and I had taken the decision to put her and the rest of family (enabler father and golden child sister) also on a TO.
There are decades of BG but they are not hugely important. It is all fairly standard DWIL - enabler/absent father, GC/addict sister who still lives at home, my brother seems also to be a GC (I think you can have more than one) and lived at home until recently. My parents still support him and his family financially.
I am independent and have been for some time. Since the birth of LO (nearly 2) my mother has been desperately trying to reinsert herself into my life.
She has told me that I must have PPD/PPP - I have been low but my doctor and therapist are confident that I have it under control. My mother keeps trying to get me to see a therapist of her choosing, and stop seeing mine (I have seen her for nearly 5 years, she is a little unicorny but in general is fabulous).
There are other issues but this is my main one. So she was on a TO. I decided to give the relationship one last shot. Boy was I wrong. She lasted less than a week.
She wanted me to bring my son to her house (where my addict, unmediated bi-polar and border line sister also lives), I said no, not appropriate and got very angry after everything we had discussed.
She went mental. Totally crazy. Accused me of all kinds of things, made up things. Apparently I made her do various things including cutting off some of her friends (she had mentioned she did not like these people but I did not comment, after all it is her decision), I pointed out I had not said anything. Apparently I do not need to say anything to MAKE people do things (the power of mind? My presence? Forced her to do these things????).
Then I said I loved her but the situation was not sustainable. She told me I did not love her or my sister. People who love properly would do ANYTHING for the people they love. I won't do anything so I don't love them. Fine mother! I won't be a doormat anymore so I guess I don't love them. I just hung up. There was absolutely no point engaging with this crazy.
I don't know what it was about this conversation but a light bulb went on. My mother is crazy. She gaslights. I think she has narcissistic tendencies. She does not fulfil all the criteria but she displays a fair few! Her insistence I must have PPD/PPP - she has told my whole family I have this. Everyone keeps saying how concerned they are/she is. It is infuriating. I am not depressed, sure I am bit tired bit show me a mother of a toddler who isn't??? I think I am the scapegoat in my family and she is infuriated that I am not pandering to her or my GC siblings.
Since this conversation she has sent me several emails like nothing has happened. I take this as an extreme form of gaslighting, pretending like that conversation never took place. I am BHing (thanks DWIL).
Her insistence that I have PPP has concerned me and I have mentioned this to my doctor (I took my LO for a well check).
I am prepared for FMs.
I feel like this is it. The scales have fallen from my eyes. I think an indefinite TO/CO is the way forward however, my mother has previously ignored boundaries and just turned up at the house, left gifts, started shopping in my town (we live several towns apart). I keep my doors locked and am happy to call the police.
Is there anything I am missing here DWIL? When she can't Hoover me back in with her 'nice' emails what should I expect? You all seem good at predicting what other posters' crazy relatives will do.