BG: my dh & I met, married & had our ds within 2 years time, I'm almost 37 he's 33, we decided there was no time to waste. My mil is a passive aggressive a-hole which I learned very shortly into our relationship. Dh is a super quiet only child. I have 3 older children from my previous marriage (17,14 &12), bubs is 9mo old. My dh was not married previous nor had children. A few examples of crappy things she says, "dh is the only birthday I care to celebrate cuz he's all that matters" since our ds arrival it has become "ds & dh are the only ones who matter". Her coworkers had a baby shower for her, she sent me a picture of all her presents. I asked what she was going to use it all for & she said for when ds stays at grammas. UH... NO! I told her i had never heard of a grandma shower & that we had already discussed no babysitting or overnights till ds could speak openly of his experiences. She said she'd hoped I would change my mind. At the baby shower they gave her a diaper changing station, diapers, wipes, toys, blankets, bottles, sippy cups, etc. I was weirded out. My dh thought she would give us the items since I wasn't having a shower for baby #4, plus we work & can afford all our own stuff. NOPE, she told him it was all for grammas house. He thought she was kidding, but she assured him that ds needed the stuff at her house. She's delusional. She threw a bitch fit when I wouldn't allow her at ds birth. I didn't want anyone there, it was a special experience for dh & I. I have a strong spine since following dwil for over a year. I've allowed my dh to do most communicating with mil since she can be bsc. My dh attempted to lay down boundaries for her but she thinks she can manipulate him, his spine is getting stronger & he supports me 99%. Fil is much older & doesn't say much.
Most recent conflict & advice needed: mil texted me a couple months ago & asked when they could come down to visit or maybe have ds for the day.(they live 45 min away & we don't go there since fil smokes cigars in the basement) they usually come once a month to visit for a couple hours & I don't allow her to wander off with ds, even though she tries. I usually don't do the boundary setting, but thought i should reinforce the boundary. I text her back to say that there will be no babysitting. She called me within minutes IRRATIONAL! she told me she is gramma & should be allowed. I told her she is welcome to come spend time with our family, no babysitting. She said she wants 1on1 time with ds. I asked why she wants that... She flipped her lid. She said that she wants it for the same reason i want time with ds. I told her that was weird & that as parents we have a different role than gparents. Not the same! I said a couple more times that they are welcome to visit us in our home. But she spoke over me, I'm not sure if she was listening. She yelled at me for a minute & then said "I guess we are at YOUR MERCY"... Yup! Then she admitted she was at work & had to go. I think it was douchy to call from work. I'm sure she went back into the office & painted me the bitch! But i don't care. Dh is fed up to the point that he has stopped answering texts & won't return phone calls. The last message she left him(over a week ago) went as such "dh, I guess you don't want us in your life anymore, so if you ever want to speak to us again just let me know". He told me that he doesn't want to speak or see her until she apologizes to me. But he thinks she will realize & do that on her own. I told him that he's going to have to spell it out to her, but he doesn't want her to apologize only because she is told to & only wants to get her hands on ds. The last time they saw us was in July, the blow up phone call was in August. My question is should dh confront her & request an apology or wait it out, enjoy the " time out "? I sort of agree with him & don't want a fake apology. I'm not sure what to do... Tia for your advice.
Most recent conflict & advice needed: mil texted me a couple months ago & asked when they could come down to visit or maybe have ds for the day.(they live 45 min away & we don't go there since fil smokes cigars in the basement) they usually come once a month to visit for a couple hours & I don't allow her to wander off with ds, even though she tries. I usually don't do the boundary setting, but thought i should reinforce the boundary. I text her back to say that there will be no babysitting. She called me within minutes IRRATIONAL! she told me she is gramma & should be allowed. I told her she is welcome to come spend time with our family, no babysitting. She said she wants 1on1 time with ds. I asked why she wants that... She flipped her lid. She said that she wants it for the same reason i want time with ds. I told her that was weird & that as parents we have a different role than gparents. Not the same! I said a couple more times that they are welcome to visit us in our home. But she spoke over me, I'm not sure if she was listening. She yelled at me for a minute & then said "I guess we are at YOUR MERCY"... Yup! Then she admitted she was at work & had to go. I think it was douchy to call from work. I'm sure she went back into the office & painted me the bitch! But i don't care. Dh is fed up to the point that he has stopped answering texts & won't return phone calls. The last message she left him(over a week ago) went as such "dh, I guess you don't want us in your life anymore, so if you ever want to speak to us again just let me know". He told me that he doesn't want to speak or see her until she apologizes to me. But he thinks she will realize & do that on her own. I told him that he's going to have to spell it out to her, but he doesn't want her to apologize only because she is told to & only wants to get her hands on ds. The last time they saw us was in July, the blow up phone call was in August. My question is should dh confront her & request an apology or wait it out, enjoy the " time out "? I sort of agree with him & don't want a fake apology. I'm not sure what to do... Tia for your advice.