Just found this board, and wanted to see if I could get some advice, and to see how much I'm overreacting about my current in-law situation.
I had my daughter in April, and she is the first grandchild on both sides. My in-laws live about ten minutes from my DH and me, and have kept a pretty respectable distance, but I still see them about once a week. My MIL is generally ok - makes comments that are vaguely irritating and compares my LO to her kids constantly - but overall I can write it off/ignore what she's saying.
My FIL is a different story...starting from the day after my daughter was born when he refused to wash his hands before holding her to comments about how overprotective I am - basically the typical old man crap - "we never did/had _______________ in my day, so you're an idiot for doing anything differently." He's EXTREMELY condescending, and he and I have gotten in a few arguments about what he says and how he says it. Everyone in his family (DH included) says, "oh, that's just how he is; you have to get used to it." I HATE that.
Anyway. A couple months ago, my MIL mentioned that she'd like to start taking Mondays off in order to babysit my LO...to help offset daycare costs. I told her that it wouldn't make a financial difference whether she's there 4 or 5 days, but maybe in a year or so, I'd be able to go part time at my job and we could think about it then. I didn't REALLY have anything against her watching my LO; I just figure I'm paying for 5 days of very expensive daycare, and my in-laws see her for several hours AT LEAST once a week, so I figured it wasn't a big deal to say no thanks. Case closed, or so I thought.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, when my MIL sent me an email about what she'd need to buy "for when my LO comes on Mondays." I asked her what time frame she was thinking, and she said as soon as possible...and that they'd already purchased a used carseat to use. ??? (This is a whole other rant.) I was extremely taken aback, and told her I didn't think we were even discussing this option yet. She tends not to listen to what I say, and really didn't respond; just moved on to a different topic. Like an idiot, I left it at that, hoping it would fizzle out, and I could just put if off until next year or something.
This was stupid, because as I started thinking about it, I really do have problems with my LO being with them on Mondays, partly because of my FIL, who, because he's retired, would be home with her as well. He's a fan of CIO, he thinks my 3.5 old should be eating Cheerios, and he has no idea how to hold her. I know my MIL would be the primary caregiver while she's there, but she had commented that she'd be able to get work done on the days my LO is there. Um...no. I've been lucky to get a couple loads of laundry done and/or use the bathroom while I'm home with her, which means that if she's on a client call or tries to do something that requires two hands, guess who would be holding her? FIL...which freaks me out. I have explained to my MIL that I picked my daycare because I feel good leaving her there. I would NOT have peace of mind leaving her with my in-laws, which I think SHOULD make the whole discussion null and void. Anyway.
Fast forward to last week, when I got into a shouting match with my FIL over daycare choice - he disagreed with the daycare I'd chosen, and basically ridiculed my reasons for choosing it. He was screaming at me, and - this is the weirdest part - stared at me for like 30 straight seconds with more hatred than I'd ever seen from anyone. I literally thought he was going to hit me, which I brought up to both my MIL and my DH, and of course got the response "Oh, that's just how he is." EFF that.
The next day, I sent an email to my MIL stating that I wasn't comfortable with the Monday idea at all, especially with the way my FIL had acted. I know email is a horrible way to tell her this, but I hate confrontation, and I needed her to know how I felt. About an hour after I sent the email, my FIL texted me saying, "how can you do this? She (MIL) is heartbroken" "don't punish her because of an argument between you and I" blah blah blah.
Seriously? I am not restricting their time with LO in any way, which I stated in my email. Aside from the fact that I AM JUST NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA, I just would rather have my daughter in daycare for five days a week, develop a routine, etc. Also, to bring my LO to my in-laws would be a trip out of my way, which - no.
I met with my MIL a couple days ago to smooth things over and make this clear - but she still just doesn't LISTEN. All I got from our conversation was:
1. FIL is "just the way he is, and no one can change him."
2. We'll just wait a couple weeks, and then maybe we can start Mondays with them after "I feel better."
3. I'm a nervous FTM, and I'm being too overprotective for that reason.
4. I should find a cheaper daycare.
5. Everyone gives advice; you just have to get used to it. (True - but I don't have to see them all the bleeping time and listen to a doddering old man's condescension.)
I don't know what to do. She doesn't listen to me. I tried to explain that my FIL isn't the only reason I don't want her there with them, but she apparently thinks things will be ok once I "cool down." I just feel like no one is respecting my decisions, and they're acting like I'm obligated to turn my daughter over to them once a week regardless of how I feel about it. At this point, I feel like I should just ride it out and hope no one mentions it again. I don't know how else I can phrase my opinion/wishes in the hopes that someone will listen to me and understand. What do I do? How much am I overreacting?