Pertinent BG:
(FIL is not in the picture--he left MIL when DH was very young and has since passed away).
I have pretty typical MIL issues. She has two sons and truly thought that she was gaining a daughter when I married DH. I wasn't about to give in to that (as I already have a fantastic relationship with my actual mom), and she's spent the 11 years we've been married making me pay for it with her passive aggressiveness and manipulation.
BIL is a whole other issue and completely plays into MIL's neediness and victim mentality. He's an alcoholic who tends to act out via text messages to DH in the middle of his drunken stupor. DH will wake up to a mass of texts from BIL, bringing up all sorts of crap from the past. (MIL is a hypochondriac who is addicted to surgery and is in the hospital at least once a year for something. We decided early on to make very clear boundaries so as not to get sucked into her crap. She really needs full-time care after her surgery/hospital stays, but refuses to go to any sort of rehab facility or nursing home. So BIL has taken it upon himself to care for her in her home whenever this happens, and he will eternally hate DH for not helping). Anyway, this is the crap that BIL constantly brings up to DH. We're basically being punished for having healthy boundaries. MIL and BIL will never acknowledge that our children and I are DH's family (and #1 priority) now.
Issue at hand:
I am 32 weeks pregnant with our third living child (fifth pregnancy). Our DD Hannah was stillborn in November 2011, and I miscarried our DS Charlie last summer. Due to the nature of those two pregnancies, I am currently seeing a psychologist to help me work through some past traumatic birth experiences. She's amazing, and she's encouraging me to 1) identify triggers that may come up and 2) visualize my ideal birth experience.
As I thought about my ideal birth experience this week, including the whole hospital stay, I realized that I really don't want hospital visitors. I've never been big on people visiting in the hospital--I tend to be in labor for days and I'm so exhausted by the time the baby actually comes that I can't fathom entertaining people from a hospital bed in my jammies. So DH and I decided that we'd either make that clear when we announce his arrival, or just wait until we're all at home to even say anything.
At first I thought, "Well, obviously no visitors except our families." But even that wasn't working in my brain. Once this baby is here and safe, I can't actually picture letting him go. And passing him around to a roomful of visitors makes me want to vomit. So we decided that the only people coming to the hospital will be my parents because they'll have our kids, and even that will be a short visit. (In addition to my parents and MIL/BIL, I also have a brother and SIL who I know will completely respect our wishes regarding visiting).
However, the fact that my parents will be coming to the hospital will not go over well with MIL/BIL and I fully expect the shit to hit the fan. MIL has always had a very unhealthy one-sided competition with my parents, and this will just add fuel to her fire in that regard. And I truly wish that MIL was just annoying and that I could handle her visiting briefly. But she has not proven to be the most sensitive person in my postpartum period. With DS, she was just creepy and wanted to change his diaper in the hospital to "check everything out." With DD, we called both her and my parents to let them know she'd been born and said they could come in a couple of hours. She ignored the "couple of hours" part and just came. Then later that day, she showed up again unannounced (while I'm struggling with BFing and just trying to freaking recover and bond with my baby) and said, "I was going to call but Barb (her best friend) said I didn't need to because I'm the grandma!" And in my head I thought, "Well, Barb's an idiot. You absolutely did need to call and I definitely would have said no." Instead, DH just made sure to keep the visit brief and escort her back out. My second DD was stillborn in the middle of the night and I really didn't want anyone but my parents there (after she was born). She was super offended that she wasn't invited, with no concern for what would be supportive to ME at the moment. (She'd actually spent much of the time I'd been in labor calling and texting DH to see if she could come and be there WHEN she was born). And BIL is still angry about this one. He can't believe that he didn't get to see his niece. (Not to mention he never even acknowledged the fact that I was pregnant with her or made any effort to see his other nephew and niece for months previous to that date). Then when we got home and MIL did come to see us, she made up a story about losing a baby at 25 weeks (I know she miscarried between DH and BIL, but it was definitely first trimester--not to minimize her experience, but this is her constant need to one-up me.) and how she had to do it all alone at home, and how it must have been so much easier with doctors and how lucky I was to have been able to do it in a hospital. I said "EASY? There is nothing easy about delivering a dead baby." And she backpeddled and tried to explain herself (both in person right away and in writing afterwards), but she never actually explained it any differently and just kept saying the exact same thing. (Also, and the most shallow reason for not wanting her there, I hate her perfume! And I don't want my baby smelling like it! Gag.)
So, needless to say, MIL/BIL are about the last people I want to see after having this baby. But I don't know if I can handle how they'll make us pay for it after the fact. Half of me just wants to deal with it and let them come so I can get it over with and not have to worry about it. But the other half of me says "Screw it! This isn't about them, and I have something to protect here." Lucky for me, DH is definitely on my side and is more than ready to help me protect that time. But he also is able to let his family stuff slide off of him much more easily.
Then there's the issue of how to bring this up. Do we just not even tell her the baby is here until we're at home and then deal with it then? Do we sit down beforehand and explain why we are refusing visitors until we're home? (And hope that she actually respects that when the time comes?) Am I being as unreasonable and mean as she'll try to make me believe?