So I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with a recent issue that came up with my IL's - though more specifically with my MIL.
My IL's live 2.5 hours away from us and came up for a visit earlier this month (though I'll use that loosely since they only came here because they were helping BIL & SIL move from TX to our town). BG: They have called us unwelcoming in the past (though always only telling DH) because we used to not turn down the pull out couch in our extra bedroom/playroom until the evening, so our kids could still play in there, but they found it unwelcoming. Also that they always "had" to go to the grocery store while in town, even though we had tried to have foods they like in the house. OK, so since then we've made sure to always have it ready as well as getting the house as clean as I can - MIL loves to find any spec of dust or fingerprint on the windows and make a comment - it stresses me out to no end (though DH likes to remind me that their house could always use a much thorough cleaning than it does when we visit).
So on this most recent visit, DH was upset with me about something unrelated and ended up saying something to his mom about how she and FIL always need to find dishes/etc in our kitchen that we just don't use (they like to rifle through the cupboards and find things in the back that we forgot we had). I've told DH in the past that it's totally annoying, but kind of let it go. Well as soon as he says something to his mom about it, she starts crying and starts saying how unwelcome she feels in our home and how she feels like a stranger. I was upstairs taking a shower while this is happening and DH (who was mad at me about something else already) comes up to demand that I apoligize to MIL for her being upset (which I didn't even know about at that point). I chose not to eat breakfast with any of them and certainly didn't apologize to MIL for something that I feel isn't my fault. PIL' act like strangers when they come up and hardly try to interact with my kids - and when they do, they don't interact with them on a 4 & 2 year old level, but rather on a 8-10 year old level which is the ages of their other grandkids who live in IL's town.
We hadn't spoken to the IL's in the last 3 weeks - while they almost never call us, DH does try to call them once per week and usually has to leave a msg which is sometimes returned (he hadn't made any weekly calls since the incident, so I thought we were making progress). Well tonight MIL calls and leaves a msg like nothing happened - DH comments that she only called because SIL and her family are coming up tomorrow to visit us - I thought "oh good, DH sees right through this phone call". I go to the bathroom, and DH calls MIL right back and starts up with convo like nothing ever happened!
We put the kids to bed and of course I try to talk to DH about what kind of msg that sends (we only missed her call by a few minutes, so it was like we were so excited that they called we just had to call instantly back). DH just keeps telling me to drop it and not let it all bother me (basically ignore what happened and certainly not to actually address it with MIL). I said to DH that I thought we weren't talking to them for a while, but he just says that they are his only parents (even though of IL's 4 kids, DH gets the short end of the stick with everything - like when we invite them to events and they can't ever come and MIL has said on several occasions "well I have family here" - so she has chosen to spend special occasions with her "real" family instead of seeing us and our kiddos.)
I guess I don't know how/if I should address what happened. DH is telling me not to because it will get us no where, other than MIL playing victim (which happened once before when DH called her out on something) and then nothing changes. I guess through reading on DWIL, I get annoyed with myself (and DH) for not saying things about some of the other things MIL has done/said over the years which also now bother me - so I'm trying to not unleash years of frustration with her behavior and focus on this recent event, now that I realize so many things that she does.
OK, so that is pretty long, but let me know if any other info or BG would be helpful - I haven't posted on DWIL before. Thanks in advance for your advice!