Hello all,
I've been lurking here for awhile and recently started posting. After some thought, I decided to reach out and see if anyone else shares similar experiences and has any recommendations on reading material, etc.
BG: (LONG)
I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. My parents had marital problems, and it took years for me to realize that one of the major reasons was my mother's mental illness. (My dad played his fair part as well, but all of the major drama came from her diagnosis.) She was diagnosed with severe Bi Polar Schizoaffective Disorder when I was around four, I guess, and my earliest memory is of visiting her in a mental hospital during a brief voluntary commitment.
Over the years, as many mentally ill people do, she would start and stop her medication at will because she "felt better." She was cyclical and would usually have a serious episode every 6 to 8 years. By serious I mean, abandoning me at downtown for hours and making me crawl on my hands and knees around the house not touching anything I didn't pay for. Paranoia and hallucinations were par for the course.
It took me a very long time to realize that just because these major incidents only occurred every so often, it didn't mean she wasn't sick EVERY DAY. Looking back, I can now be more honest about the behaviors that weren't normal like crying and refusing to let me drive two hours to my boyfriend's house at 18 years old and them threatening to report my car stolen. Or moving a man she met on the Internet into our home after one visit when I was 17 and becoming completely enmeshed with him and not caring when I moved out for a short while because I was uncomfortable.
Anyway, my mother passed away from a short battle with lung cancer five years ago. During her six month battle, her mental illness reared it's head, and she CO'ed me. Throwing my belongings in garbage bags and moving them out of my family home while I was at college. Telling people I was a bad daughter and didn't help her after i had spent weeks literally carrying her from bed to bathroom and back. She left everything to her live in bf. What little there was.
To make a long story...well, that ship sailed, didn't it? ;)
I find myself still struggling with it. Growing up this way. Her dying without being able to say goodbye or KNOW that it was her talking and not her illness. Not knowing if she really hated me.
Anyone else out there with a similar story? Any suggestions for reading material?
I've been lurking here for awhile and recently started posting. After some thought, I decided to reach out and see if anyone else shares similar experiences and has any recommendations on reading material, etc.
BG: (LONG)
I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. My parents had marital problems, and it took years for me to realize that one of the major reasons was my mother's mental illness. (My dad played his fair part as well, but all of the major drama came from her diagnosis.) She was diagnosed with severe Bi Polar Schizoaffective Disorder when I was around four, I guess, and my earliest memory is of visiting her in a mental hospital during a brief voluntary commitment.
Over the years, as many mentally ill people do, she would start and stop her medication at will because she "felt better." She was cyclical and would usually have a serious episode every 6 to 8 years. By serious I mean, abandoning me at downtown for hours and making me crawl on my hands and knees around the house not touching anything I didn't pay for. Paranoia and hallucinations were par for the course.
It took me a very long time to realize that just because these major incidents only occurred every so often, it didn't mean she wasn't sick EVERY DAY. Looking back, I can now be more honest about the behaviors that weren't normal like crying and refusing to let me drive two hours to my boyfriend's house at 18 years old and them threatening to report my car stolen. Or moving a man she met on the Internet into our home after one visit when I was 17 and becoming completely enmeshed with him and not caring when I moved out for a short while because I was uncomfortable.
Anyway, my mother passed away from a short battle with lung cancer five years ago. During her six month battle, her mental illness reared it's head, and she CO'ed me. Throwing my belongings in garbage bags and moving them out of my family home while I was at college. Telling people I was a bad daughter and didn't help her after i had spent weeks literally carrying her from bed to bathroom and back. She left everything to her live in bf. What little there was.
To make a long story...well, that ship sailed, didn't it? ;)
I find myself still struggling with it. Growing up this way. Her dying without being able to say goodbye or KNOW that it was her talking and not her illness. Not knowing if she really hated me.
Anyone else out there with a similar story? Any suggestions for reading material?