BG: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a43885801/email_from_tod_mother_ud_p4_-_fm_attack
Short version, emotionally unstable alcoholic mom swears she has stopped drinking but hasn't had any treatment for her addiction or mental health issues. She stopped showing up stumbling drunk when called out for it, but she then started willy nilly not showing up at all.
The final straw was her standing us for a virtual stranger when I was 38 weeks pregnant with DS, leaving my daughter sobbing because her grandmother ditched her. My BP spiked, my water broke, but labour didn't start. I'll never know if the stress caused by my pathetic excuse for a mother is part of the reason I had a RCS instead of the VBAC I had my heart set on. It was a very complicated pregnancy that came after the hell pregancy loss and fertility treatments, and I can't think about what could have happened if she had pulled the same stunt a few weeks earlier.
That was six months ago. She has been in indefinite TO ever since. I'm still waiting for an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and a genuine apology. Don't worry, I'm not holding my breath.
I put up with her shit for my whole life and even (FAIL on my part) allowed it to affect my daughter, until I saw the look of hurt on my little girl's face that I'm sure was on mine a million times as a child and swore I would *NEVER* allow my mother to hurt her again.
**TRIGGER**
My dad committed suicide when I was two years old. Oh, and she lied to me about how he died until I was in my twenties. I'm 39 now. My mom uses that traumatic event as her excuse for every bad decision she has made since, and there have been a lot of them. She never accepts accountability, never apologizes and she CERTAINLY has never done a single thing that could be remotely construed as making amends.
Forgive my lack of sensitivity, but she has had nearly four decades to seek treatment for her emotional issues. I have finally come to the realization that she doesn't WANT to get better, because if she's not the sad, pathetic victim she doesn't know who she is. That makes me feel sorry for her, but not sorry enough to allow her to pass her misery down to the next generation.
**END TRIGGER**
After my last email (incl. in background) which basically told her that she wouldn't be seeing my children for the foreseeable future, I sent everything to a separate folder that I never look at, I just wanted to save the history in case she started stirring shit up legally. I accidentally checked it tonight (that will teach me to try to recover a deleted coupon for take-out) and found this email she sent 12 days ago.
(Hated childhood nickname that I've asked her to stop using 100 times),
I would really like to see the children sometime before Christmas. I'm not looking at all for an invitation for our usual Christmas eve/day. But maybe a walk from school to home one day in the next two weeks or (local restaurant) for lunch. Or any variation/compromise that you can suggest would be good.
It's been 6 months since I've seen (DD) and I miss her very much and hope she's adjusting well to her school days. She's the only joy is my life. I bet she's already forgotten me. And I've missed all of (DS) early milestones like smiling, laughing, rolling over and I guess by now he's working really hard to sit-up.
If you agree to this request, I'll only ask to see them in the future for sometime around Christmas, around each of their birthdays, and maybe sometime in late summer, early fall. Just 4 times a years.
Please give this some thought before you say "no".
I'm never going to stop asking.
(Annoying grandmother pet-name she gave herself)
I know BH is the only thing to do, but I have GOT to type my reply. I'm not sending it to her because I might as well build myself a fucking brick wall to talk to. It's equally useless. Scratch that, I could at least use the brick wall to provide shade in my backyard. So that leaves me with you as my sounding board, DWIL. Sorry!
Mother,
Might I just say that as your daughter, reading that someone else is the "only joy" in your life just fills my heart with feelings of love. Truly, I am basking in your maternal warmth. You say you have missed all of DS' firsts. I am compelled to remind you that you already witnessed all of those firsts WITH YOUR OWN CHILD. But thank you for yet again driving home the point that I don't count. It reminds me that I am doing the right thing by keeping you away from my babies. Someday they will be less cute, and I don't want to pick up the pieces when you lose interest in them too.
My children are not your do-over family. You fucked it up egregiously the first time, and you have been just as spectacular a failure as a grandmother. How many opportunities to hurt and endanger us do you feel you're entitled to? You've already had more than I care to think about.
Once again you are asking me to give you access to my children while doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to acknowledge wrongdoing or demonstrate changes to your outlook or behaviour. You are not contacting me to say you have sought the professional help you desperately need. You're not asking what you can do to make things right. Instead youre treating tiny, defenseless children like they're the antidote to your deep, festering unhappiness. That's a depraved mentality.
By telling me that you're never going to stop asking, you're confirming my suspicion that you're never going to change. You're going to continue to do whatever the fuck you like. I was right, it IS pointless to proceed. I'll let you in on a little secret: My life is happier without you in it.
Merry Christmas, and fuck off and die.
Me
I guess I should have a question in here somewhere. I'm right, aren't I? She's never going to even try to change. I should just call my old therapist to set something up in the New Year to work on letting go of the anger and make the warm, loving parent/child relationship in my life the one I have with my own children.
Edited to fix fucked up HTML
Im so glad i found this group! Here is my problem.. FIL never liked me from day one, MIL was never too excited about me joining the family either. They have 6 kids 5 of which are all younger than 15 yrs. old and they (i dont like to judge but..) are such bad parents. ex: they go partying about 3 times/week and leave the kids home alone w/ gma who is handicapped, sleep all day, FIL barely works (they have gov. assistance), they very rarely take their kids out to have fun/play. DH knows his parents are skum but stills obviously loves them. DH feels bad for all his little sibilings (as do i) so CO is not an option. Our current problem is that FIL bought himself $300 shoes but has yet to finish xmas shopping for his kids.. and they are not financially well off. DH was pissed all day bc FIL has always had better clothes/shoes than his children. DH recently lost his job and we are very fight on $ and we only got them small presents. i really wish i could say something to cheer DH up. Should i cut back on buying expensive gifts for kids/family to get DHs sibs. something nicer? DH has confronted his parents many times about this crap but they dont seem to care/change. What would you do?