Sparing you all too much BG, I am at a crossroads in my relationship with my ILs. I want to set up a clear wall. We don't like each other. I don't respect them & their lifestyle choices. I'm sure it's vice versa. There is alcholism with some, "spare" children who get moved around, drug addiction, jail time...all kinds of things with various ILs that I just don't want around my LO or myself.
DH and I have one baby. Since the birth, we have had multiple discussions about how his ILs will be involved with our LO (if at all...we're going to go to therapy sooner than later to talk about it with a neutral party--we obviously see things differently). For now, I have chosen LC from/with me and consequently they only call him...until they want something or try to boundary stop, and then they text or email me. :(
This specific issue is with my SMIL. She comes across as "super nice" to a lot of people who know her, but the truth is, she is a passive aggressive, boundary stomping narcissist. (Because of this group, I have realized this--thank you!) She has sent me nasty emails reminding me of my 'place'...things like "DH's family is just as important to him as yours is to you," and "you wouldn't understand our family because your parents sheltered you." (They know next to nothing about my family [by design] and are very threatened by their success). Up until this point, DH and I have not really addressed these comments...
I'm over it. I want to set up boundaries, with or without him. My problem is, they use every little thing I say (or don't say or do!) against me. Her text today read: "Hello, we are despartly needing a picture of Our (insert state) Baby. Maybe we could schedule some face time. Let me know but please send me something to hold me over. Love, Grandma"
(I included the spelling mistake, cause it drives some of us nuts). It seems harmless, until you know that she is passive aggressive and obviously not getting what she wants. She NEVER calls herself grandma unless she feels like she isn't being treated like one. (Well lady, there are consequences for your actions...). My MAJOR PET PEEVE is when anyone outside our family refers to my LO as "our" or "my" baby. She knows this. Last time we saw her at a gathering, I had the baby wrapped to me & she kept following me around introducing "DH's baby" to other people. Every time, I smiled and said, "This is my baby, too." She did it all day. We left after some drama broke out.
How do I respond? Part of me wants to send a photo of the 3 of us that says "Our Family" and one of the baby that says "DH & I's Baby." Is this setting a boundary or starting a fight? Do I just defer to DH? I kind of sort of don't trust him to set up a boundary because he can't see the whole picture yet (he's getting closer). She's one of those "myyyyyyyyyyyy baaaby" MILs. Enough is enough. I want them to understand that this is "our" baby and never theirs. I want to make it clear that that kind of language is not welcome around me and "my" baby. I've had "language" use issues with them before...I'm tired of it.
Apart from sending them the "f-younicorn" meme, what the heck do you suggest I do? Let it slide off my back or be direct? I would prefer to never hear her say "Our Baby" or "My Baby" ever again, but I also want to protect my LO and stay married. I'm really struggling with the notion that I'm overreacting and underreacting at the same time...