I originally joined this board because I though living beside my inlaws would be worse after the birth of my daughter. I lurked in order to help find ways to keep them from stopping at my house every single day. I used my husband and my mom as sounding boards for a lot of my frustrations and concerns.
I am happy to report that my inlaws have been fantastic! I haven't had to change a thing about our relationship, and they actually stop less frequently than they did pre-baby.
I am, however, at a loss for how to deal with my own mother. We have always had a close relationship, and I never thought she would cause a problem. We had discussed my plan for labor and delivery, because I wanted everyone to know they were only invited to the hospital after our daughter was born. We also informed all family that they would not be informed when I went into labor so we wouldn't get a ton of worried calls and texts.
Mom knew all of this months in advance. She had even been told more than anyone else because I asked her how it should be brought up to every one. However, this did not stop her.
Two days before my scheduled induction (1.5 weeks before due date) she tried to guilt me into telling her when my LO would be here. She tried to weasel her way into my labor and delivery by bringing up how she needed her mom with her first baby. Mind you, her first was a full term stillborn.
She told me how thankful she was that her mom was there to make important phone calls. She let me know she didn't think my husband would be able to handle it if something happened. All with eyes full of giant crocodile tears.
I calmly informed her that we would be fine. Reassured her that baby and I were healthy and that baby will come on her own schedule. I told her that nothing aside from emergency section would get a notification from us. I let her know that my DH is a lot stronger than she thinks (military man), but also chuckled inside since I know she would be in hysterics if anything happened. She simply could not have put her past experience aside on this one.
My DH and I stood firm on our decisions. I called my mom first after delivery (they were still stitching my tear) and let her know LO was here. I told her that we may not accept visitors until the next day since my labor was extremely long and I needed rest. Cue the tears! She was upset because she wasn't sure if she could take time off work and might not meet her grandchild until three days after she was born.
Boo-freaking-hoo, it's not about you! I told her we would let her know when she could visit. We ended up allowing visitors that afternoon. She came. The next day, she asked to come hold her before she went to work. We allowed it. The day after we got home she sent a text saying she was going through baby withdrawals.
I instantly got pissed and informed her that my baby isn't a drug and she has seen her more than anyone else. A few minutes later I apologized for how harsh I said that. She said, "That's right. I didn't deserve that." Ummm, yeah you did. Cue my dad.
Dad begins texting me about how mean I was to Mom. How hurt and upset I've made her. How she's crying because she doesn't know what happened to her little girl. How I've let pride take over and pride is a sin. And on and on. It got so bad that I peed my pants because my concentration was shot.
Never an apology from either of them.
We had also asked that everyone ask us before posting pictures of our LO on the debil. My mom is a picture fanatic. My brother and his daughter live with my parents, so she takes and posts at least 20 pictures of my niece each week. Now they are upset that we won't let them post pictures of our daughter. We have let them put a few up (newborn, Easter, 5 generation, etc), but we don't want her overexposed on the debil. I don't have an account, so DH does all the monitoring. Mom boohoos each time we don't let her post.
She also acts like my daughter needs her more than me. She expects me to fork her over the second I come through the door. I make her wait longer. She told my LO that "you just don't know your Nana because I don't see you enough." She told me, "she just needs her Nana" when she was fussy in church (she actually was getting ready to eat - EBF). She told other family that she never gets to hold her - lie! She has held her every time she's seen her minus one day because we were shopping.
I'm at such a loss on how to deal with this. I've already stopped going to see her as much as I did pre-baby. I don't call or text her as often. I generally have a very negative attitude about her as of late. What can I do to help her see that this isn't normal grandparent behavior? How can I get her to realize the measure of a grandmother isn't in how many pictures are posted online? How can I get her to see me as a mother and not a child (I'm 28)?
I'm sorry if paragraphs disappear or if I have typos. I'm on my cell. There's more, but I'm tired of typing on my phone. I'm going into work now and will respond as I find time. Thanks for all your advice.
I am happy to report that my inlaws have been fantastic! I haven't had to change a thing about our relationship, and they actually stop less frequently than they did pre-baby.
I am, however, at a loss for how to deal with my own mother. We have always had a close relationship, and I never thought she would cause a problem. We had discussed my plan for labor and delivery, because I wanted everyone to know they were only invited to the hospital after our daughter was born. We also informed all family that they would not be informed when I went into labor so we wouldn't get a ton of worried calls and texts.
Mom knew all of this months in advance. She had even been told more than anyone else because I asked her how it should be brought up to every one. However, this did not stop her.
Two days before my scheduled induction (1.5 weeks before due date) she tried to guilt me into telling her when my LO would be here. She tried to weasel her way into my labor and delivery by bringing up how she needed her mom with her first baby. Mind you, her first was a full term stillborn.
She told me how thankful she was that her mom was there to make important phone calls. She let me know she didn't think my husband would be able to handle it if something happened. All with eyes full of giant crocodile tears.
I calmly informed her that we would be fine. Reassured her that baby and I were healthy and that baby will come on her own schedule. I told her that nothing aside from emergency section would get a notification from us. I let her know that my DH is a lot stronger than she thinks (military man), but also chuckled inside since I know she would be in hysterics if anything happened. She simply could not have put her past experience aside on this one.
My DH and I stood firm on our decisions. I called my mom first after delivery (they were still stitching my tear) and let her know LO was here. I told her that we may not accept visitors until the next day since my labor was extremely long and I needed rest. Cue the tears! She was upset because she wasn't sure if she could take time off work and might not meet her grandchild until three days after she was born.
Boo-freaking-hoo, it's not about you! I told her we would let her know when she could visit. We ended up allowing visitors that afternoon. She came. The next day, she asked to come hold her before she went to work. We allowed it. The day after we got home she sent a text saying she was going through baby withdrawals.
I instantly got pissed and informed her that my baby isn't a drug and she has seen her more than anyone else. A few minutes later I apologized for how harsh I said that. She said, "That's right. I didn't deserve that." Ummm, yeah you did. Cue my dad.
Dad begins texting me about how mean I was to Mom. How hurt and upset I've made her. How she's crying because she doesn't know what happened to her little girl. How I've let pride take over and pride is a sin. And on and on. It got so bad that I peed my pants because my concentration was shot.
Never an apology from either of them.
We had also asked that everyone ask us before posting pictures of our LO on the debil. My mom is a picture fanatic. My brother and his daughter live with my parents, so she takes and posts at least 20 pictures of my niece each week. Now they are upset that we won't let them post pictures of our daughter. We have let them put a few up (newborn, Easter, 5 generation, etc), but we don't want her overexposed on the debil. I don't have an account, so DH does all the monitoring. Mom boohoos each time we don't let her post.
She also acts like my daughter needs her more than me. She expects me to fork her over the second I come through the door. I make her wait longer. She told my LO that "you just don't know your Nana because I don't see you enough." She told me, "she just needs her Nana" when she was fussy in church (she actually was getting ready to eat - EBF). She told other family that she never gets to hold her - lie! She has held her every time she's seen her minus one day because we were shopping.
I'm at such a loss on how to deal with this. I've already stopped going to see her as much as I did pre-baby. I don't call or text her as often. I generally have a very negative attitude about her as of late. What can I do to help her see that this isn't normal grandparent behavior? How can I get her to realize the measure of a grandmother isn't in how many pictures are posted online? How can I get her to see me as a mother and not a child (I'm 28)?
I'm sorry if paragraphs disappear or if I have typos. I'm on my cell. There's more, but I'm tired of typing on my phone. I'm going into work now and will respond as I find time. Thanks for all your advice.