I don't have much background on here. If I do, it's certainly not concise so feel free to ask if you need more info.
I am seriously considering to attempt the transition from an ITO to LC with my foo. The ITO has been approximately 6 months long, and I am starting to feel strong enough to enforce boundaries for a proper LC (or at the least, this is the best I'm gonna get). Since the TO started, I obtained serious psychotherapy. My therapist supported the ITO and believes my mother has a personality disorder (she only specified that it would be in the "borderline personality disorder" range and that she would not change) - however she did think that with time and proper boundaries, LC may be the best for all involved and may be possible. I have since "graduated" from therapy as she has suggested I have made significant improvement and she saw no reason to continue therapy. She thought my normal meter had been properly adjusted, and she encouraged me to reach out to her if needed. So that's where I'm at.
LC was in the plans for the future the entire time however I am currently 5 months pregnant, and I didn't anticipate initiating any contact until after this LO was born. But I am starting to change my mind. My 3 yo ds has asked about them, and my DH has talked to me about how they were ds' family... My DH supports reaching out now and emphasizes that my concerns really are simply based on proper boundary enforcement. I see his point and although I in no way want drama or enmeshment, I would like to at least be civil right now. Is it possible? According to theory, if I don't let them in my space and keep it very LC, I think perhaps.
Anyway, to the nitty gritty. This is what I would need from the relationship if it were to work with LC:
-Visits 3-4x a year max with little to no contact via text, email, social media, calls, etc.
-Absolutely no discussion of my childhood nor my parenting practices. They are off the table.
-Unsolicited opinions and advice are not welcome. I don't even want to hear it.
-I wil not see or discuss my CO sister. Period.
I'm not sure how to first contact them. I'm not sure how to convey this stuff. I think email is my only real way to talk with them because I refuse to see them in person, my son doesn't let me talk on the phone well enough for this kind of talk, text is just off the table for obvious reasons. This would not be a CTJ kind of talk as I expect them not to change. This would be strictly a "I hope you have seen that I'm very serious about boundaries in this relationship. If this is going to work at all, I need to have these boundaries. This is your last chance if you want it" kind of talk. Obviously I won't say that. And I can't just list my boundadries... that's such a turn off. And to complicate matters, I have no idea what they've been emailing or texting me - no doubt they have been, but they've been blocked completely the last 6 months. For all I know they've cut me out already for this (though I doubt it).
Here is my DH's suggestions. What do you think?
-Instead of a curt and offensive "You may only see us or contact us xyz", I should have a simple open statement such as "I would like to have a relationship with you however I'd like to be the one who initiates contact for the time being." I like this because I can literally just block them when I'm not up for it, and I can see them 3-4x a year when I invite them - yet I can continue to block them via phone and text without sounding totally rude.
-He believes there is no point in bringing up what I will and won't discuss or what advice/opinions I will entertain as this is a boundary enforcement issue. Any bringing up of it would be dealt with in the moment - "That is not up for discussion." If it's pushed, I remind them that this relationship is optional.
-I could, optionally, say that a civil relationship with my sister is not possible at the moment and that I would not like to see her. I expect that this will be respected.
Ok, so does this all sound ok? My two biggest concerns are 1. getting enmeshed again via continuous questions about things that I don't want to discuss and 2. them ruining my birth again. But I keep thinking, they can't do this to me if I don't let them. No info train, no enmeshment. No contact, no birth issue. Am I missing something?