Apologies in advance for the length of background...
I have two questions. The first I will post right now so you can keep it in mind as you read the background and the second question I will post at the end.
*deep breath*
First question: I understand and am Not looking for diagnosis of my mom but rather I am wondering if anyone has similar experiences with this style of personality or is my mom just being a brat? (To me, my mom doesn't seem like she fits the narc mold).
So I discovered dwil in early 2014 and started lurking and reading, a lot. And in my reading I realized I was a duw and way too enmeshed with my family. I shared my revelations with my dh and his relief was palpable. (His foo is very dysfunctional and he knew that they weren't normal but thought maybe MY foo was how it was supposed to be.) I apologized profusely and made sure my actions backed up my words. Here are some examples:
My mom and I used to talk daily for hours-gossiping about everyone and everything. But if you pointed out that it was gossip, my mom would act offended and say she is just making conversation. I admit, I used to freely participate in the gossip- I was raised that this was normal. My mom and grandma also talk everyday for multiple hours at a time-gossiping.
My solution: I now talk to her maybe 2 or 3 times a month and the convo is usually 10 mins or less.
Her reaction? Utter devestation that I don't call her and talk to her a about everything. She is genuinely mad at me that I don't call and let her know when lo cuts a new tooth.
She always want to know the who/what/when/where/why and how of everything and is soo sad that I napalmed the tracks of the info train.
We used to see my foo 2-3 times a week. (Church, dinner at their house after church and wed night Bible club). It got to the point of ridiculousness at the dinners where we were literally sitting in the living room while they napped in a chair. (My parents are in their 50's and dh and I are in our 30's with several kids). It reached the point to where my dad became my dhs' BEC and my mom was mine. It was just assumed that we would go there every Sunday and also they would just stop by whenever they felt like it to see our kids. We could tell that we were an afterthought.
Our solution? We stopped Sunday dinners, changed churches and told them to ask permission before stopping by.
Reaction from mom? wailing and gnashing of teeth. She would try to have CTJ ambushes where she would cry, " why are you mad at us?" And also told me this gem, "your father wakes up every morning crying!" When she told me that, I told her that my kids, dh and I are not responsible for dads/their happiness. She sat their with her mouth agape. And then started crying again about "why are you mad at us?!" I repeated(again) that we were not/are not mad and that if she didn't drop it the kids and I were going home. I did gather the kids up and we went to the playground. (We were at a campground and my kids had spent the night and I was picking them up). We left shortly thereafter and she did stop talking after I threatened to leave.
Still with me? I really hope so!
Here's a bit more info for family dynamic:
My older bro is GC and when he's not available, it's my younger bro. I am and always have been the black sheep and my 20-something sister is financially tied to them and my youngest bro is/was verbally abused by my dad. (Mom knows about it...doesn't care? Think it's that bad? Idk).
Appearances are uber important to my parents. And my mom has to be in the middle of everything. Got a crisis? She's right there 'helping'.
She also loves to be perceived as a martyr and so selfless and caring. (Yet complains about the situations where she martyrs herself).
The world LOVES my mom and everyone thinks she is the best. People would drop dead of shock if they knew how b*tchy my mom can be.
My mom loves to be in control and micro-manage everyone. And then when a situation doesn't go her way she pouts.
So this is how my life has been the past few months. 2 weeks ago, she and I talked and I thought we could clear the air. How wrong I was :-(
When I told her that it was fine for her and grandma to have a mother-daughter relationship where they talk all the time BUT that is not the mother-daughter relationship that I want with her. Her response:
*breathy sobs and clutching of pearls* " the day that I tell my mom I have nothing to say to her is the day I hope I draw my last breath!"
I might have damaged some internal organs because I was laughing so hard when she said that!![]()
Also...
Mom: " you said you weren't responsible for our happiness. Ok, I agree. But don't you have a responsibility to not make us sad?!"
My response: " if either of you are waking up in tears, then you need to see a medical professional"
She also told me that my siblings, dad and grandma are being hurt by how I am treating her.
And also that everyone is afraid of me and walks on eggshells around me and are afraid of making me angry. *eye roll*
And then the classic:
" I pray that lo will never grow up to treat you(op) how you have treated me (mom)."
Sooooo.....
Now I guess she has me on to? Which is great because I can't even talk to her or be around her because she is so exhausting and my blood pressure soars. So I have her on to/elc.
So I guess this is part b of the first question: do I keep doing what I'm doing? Is she just a brat or what?
Now for the second question:
I see my mom (literally just see her down the hall) when I drop lo off and pick up at Bible club. My mom waits until I leave and then goes into the room and plays GMOTY. But if I am around, she will mope and pout and walk around like her dog just got hit by a bus. I really don't want to pull lo but I really don't like my mom pretending I don't exist while gushing over lo. (Also, mom KNOWS she can visit my kids at our house just call and get permission. She refuses and would rather whine about me to family). Note: my mom is a worker in the Bible club and friends with lo leader and they are all up each others business.
I am soooo sorry this became a novel and I do appreciate any advice. Thanks :-)
Edit: added to the title :-)
I have two questions. The first I will post right now so you can keep it in mind as you read the background and the second question I will post at the end.
*deep breath*
First question: I understand and am Not looking for diagnosis of my mom but rather I am wondering if anyone has similar experiences with this style of personality or is my mom just being a brat? (To me, my mom doesn't seem like she fits the narc mold).
So I discovered dwil in early 2014 and started lurking and reading, a lot. And in my reading I realized I was a duw and way too enmeshed with my family. I shared my revelations with my dh and his relief was palpable. (His foo is very dysfunctional and he knew that they weren't normal but thought maybe MY foo was how it was supposed to be.) I apologized profusely and made sure my actions backed up my words. Here are some examples:
My mom and I used to talk daily for hours-gossiping about everyone and everything. But if you pointed out that it was gossip, my mom would act offended and say she is just making conversation. I admit, I used to freely participate in the gossip- I was raised that this was normal. My mom and grandma also talk everyday for multiple hours at a time-gossiping.
My solution: I now talk to her maybe 2 or 3 times a month and the convo is usually 10 mins or less.
Her reaction? Utter devestation that I don't call her and talk to her a about everything. She is genuinely mad at me that I don't call and let her know when lo cuts a new tooth.
She always want to know the who/what/when/where/why and how of everything and is soo sad that I napalmed the tracks of the info train.
We used to see my foo 2-3 times a week. (Church, dinner at their house after church and wed night Bible club). It got to the point of ridiculousness at the dinners where we were literally sitting in the living room while they napped in a chair. (My parents are in their 50's and dh and I are in our 30's with several kids). It reached the point to where my dad became my dhs' BEC and my mom was mine. It was just assumed that we would go there every Sunday and also they would just stop by whenever they felt like it to see our kids. We could tell that we were an afterthought.
Our solution? We stopped Sunday dinners, changed churches and told them to ask permission before stopping by.
Reaction from mom? wailing and gnashing of teeth. She would try to have CTJ ambushes where she would cry, " why are you mad at us?" And also told me this gem, "your father wakes up every morning crying!" When she told me that, I told her that my kids, dh and I are not responsible for dads/their happiness. She sat their with her mouth agape. And then started crying again about "why are you mad at us?!" I repeated(again) that we were not/are not mad and that if she didn't drop it the kids and I were going home. I did gather the kids up and we went to the playground. (We were at a campground and my kids had spent the night and I was picking them up). We left shortly thereafter and she did stop talking after I threatened to leave.
Still with me? I really hope so!
Here's a bit more info for family dynamic:
My older bro is GC and when he's not available, it's my younger bro. I am and always have been the black sheep and my 20-something sister is financially tied to them and my youngest bro is/was verbally abused by my dad. (Mom knows about it...doesn't care? Think it's that bad? Idk).
Appearances are uber important to my parents. And my mom has to be in the middle of everything. Got a crisis? She's right there 'helping'.
She also loves to be perceived as a martyr and so selfless and caring. (Yet complains about the situations where she martyrs herself).
The world LOVES my mom and everyone thinks she is the best. People would drop dead of shock if they knew how b*tchy my mom can be.
My mom loves to be in control and micro-manage everyone. And then when a situation doesn't go her way she pouts.
So this is how my life has been the past few months. 2 weeks ago, she and I talked and I thought we could clear the air. How wrong I was :-(
When I told her that it was fine for her and grandma to have a mother-daughter relationship where they talk all the time BUT that is not the mother-daughter relationship that I want with her. Her response:
*breathy sobs and clutching of pearls* " the day that I tell my mom I have nothing to say to her is the day I hope I draw my last breath!"
I might have damaged some internal organs because I was laughing so hard when she said that!
Also...
Mom: " you said you weren't responsible for our happiness. Ok, I agree. But don't you have a responsibility to not make us sad?!"
My response: " if either of you are waking up in tears, then you need to see a medical professional"
She also told me that my siblings, dad and grandma are being hurt by how I am treating her.
And also that everyone is afraid of me and walks on eggshells around me and are afraid of making me angry. *eye roll*
And then the classic:
" I pray that lo will never grow up to treat you(op) how you have treated me (mom)."
Sooooo.....
Now I guess she has me on to? Which is great because I can't even talk to her or be around her because she is so exhausting and my blood pressure soars. So I have her on to/elc.
So I guess this is part b of the first question: do I keep doing what I'm doing? Is she just a brat or what?
Now for the second question:
I see my mom (literally just see her down the hall) when I drop lo off and pick up at Bible club. My mom waits until I leave and then goes into the room and plays GMOTY. But if I am around, she will mope and pout and walk around like her dog just got hit by a bus. I really don't want to pull lo but I really don't like my mom pretending I don't exist while gushing over lo. (Also, mom KNOWS she can visit my kids at our house just call and get permission. She refuses and would rather whine about me to family). Note: my mom is a worker in the Bible club and friends with lo leader and they are all up each others business.
I am soooo sorry this became a novel and I do appreciate any advice. Thanks :-)
Edit: added to the title :-)