I'm not really sure where to start, and if this would be better on the MR board instead. It feels like it falls between here and there. Some back-story:
My family is toxic. I have issues addressing my parents behavior due to severe anxiety, because I was mentally, verbally and physically abused growing up - in the name of discipline. My mom respects my choices as an adult (and lives far away) so I don't have to much of a problem with her anymore. My dad is another story. He lives 10 minutes from us. He comes over whenever he feels like (unannounced) and unless my door is locked he walks in without knocking. The couple times I have stood up for myself I and not backed down, caused huge drama and flying monkeys come from everywhere and I eventually caved. (If you need examples of the things he's done, I'll gladly add them. )
I know I have issues and I've been to counseling but the couple therapists I tried were a crap-shot. I live in Utah (predominantly Mormon) and the therapists were very 'forgive and let go, but FAMILY at all costs'. Rug sweep is the language and I feel blocked at all turns.
The question- I want to move out of states and away from my family. I feel like it would be healthier for me and my family, and I would be able to get the help I needed. If nothing else, I would be miles away from them. There are a few other reasons I want to move - I really dislike the culture in Utah, I've left the LDS church and need some space religiously, I need more green and less dessert, cost to own acreage close to the city (I grew up with animals and really want to raise my kids like that - dh couldn't care less).
The problem: Dh doesn't want to move. His reasons are that he has a good job with a great company (the risk that another job wouldn't be as cushy, network he has developed here if he ever had to leave this company, ect) and FAMILY. His family is the main argument. HOWEVER, the relationship he imagines we have with them is not reality. They just aren't that into us. They all have more money and live a more 'Keeping up with the Jones' lifestyle and don't understand why we can't (and don't want to). They get together without us frequently, hardly come to anything we invite them to, and exclude our kids from the kid activities that they do (museums, birthday parties, sleepovers...) His parents are really sweet, but even they treat us and our kids different. They will come to town often for business or pleasure (they live 4 hrs away) and not say anything, not stop and see our kids...ect, but go out to eat with the others and visit them. And it's not a matter of convenience stopping them, because dh's sister lives in the same city (10 min away) and they stay with her. They are all just not that into us. I get it. It hurts me for my kids, and at some point they will see it (they are 2 and 5yrs).
I'm not really sure what I'm asking. I guess- what are your views? How would you handle this? I know we need couples counseling (for other reasons as well), but like I wrote previously - the couple therapists that I've tried have been crappy and dh isn't really convinced they are necessary/work...