I read a lot, but very rarely post here. I have BG out there, but I can't find the link to it, I know it's from April 2012 if that helps anyone help me find it?
BG Cliff's Notes are: MIL couldn't behave herself at a family wedding (which is what the BG is about.) She was put on TO after that, and after 6 months, she got her TO extended due to letters, emails, and a 4 minute long voicemail ranting, cursing and raving at DH and me. After another 6 months, we put her on very limited contact, which has only been with DH. She has some health issues and lives far enough away, which has made the TO and LC much easier to uphold. MIL did send a few gifts/packages for the kids during that time, and we just BH'ed that stuff, opened it ourselves, gave the kids what we thought was important on our own terms and timeline, and donated the rest.
This is going to be long. Sigh.
It has taken DH and me a long time to get past some of the things MIL said in that long email-very hurtful, harmful things, and DH did address those things with a letter, and put the ball in her court to reconcile with him when she was ready. A few months after that, she sent another package of random stuff for the kids (clothes that don't fit, toys that are used/dirty/age inappropriate, toys I don't allow like guns), with a letter to DH and me, basically apologizing for not being in touch sooner, and saying she'd never forget the kids. (She did forget the kids-she was a week late with DS's birthday card-no phone call obviously- and missed DD's 1st birthday completely-just blew it off, then sent "birthday gifts" in with "Christmas gifts" about a month late.) DH says that the letter is her way of trying to build a bridge, and while I agree with him-she never apologized for being BSC and saying hurtful things, just for being absent from the kids.
DH has talked to her on the phone a handful of times in the past few months, not even really about the kids, more about work, events we have been to, and her health issues. MIL did send me a birthday card, and in turn we sent her a Mother's Day card and a gift. According to her, the gift arrived broken/defective, and she said she was sending it back to us to have it fixed-well....it's July 5 and she still hasn't sent it back.
Just recently, I got an automated email from our (secure) family blog that she was requesting access, with a cranky message "Grant me access so I can see pictures of my grandchildren!" Over 18 months ago, I cleaned up the blog, made it private for members only, and deleted anyone who hadn't logged in for 1 year at that time-guess that included MIL. Now suddenly she wants access? Why? Just seems fishy to me?
I left that alone, but then listened to a voicemail from her earlier this week-which was for me! Apparently she wanted some pictures of herself and DS that were taken years ago, and she provided an email address to send them to. I talked to DH, and he said to just send them to her (because she has prints of them somewhere anyway), so I looked on the blog, found 2 pictures of the event/time she was asking for, and emailed her, asking what she wanted them for, because I could send her extra prints I have (or something-really just want to know why she suddenly wants them? And why doesn't she want pictures of DD at all?) MIL responded saying those weren't the right ones, that she wanted XYZ picture...which I don't have! I BH'ed that-what more can I do?
Fast forward to yesterday-July 4, and she called while we were playing outside. I played the voicemail on speaker so DH could hear her message, and it's honestly maniacal! It was "for DS"-you know, because 4 year olds can and do retrieve voicemails. Whatever. It's MIL talking all crazy sounding calling him overly sweet nicknames and basically demanding that he call her and tell her about what we did for the 4th, blah blah "tell Mommy and Daddy to call back so Grandma can talk to youuuuuuuu!" Again-no mention or interest at all in DD.
DS is 4, and has just about forgotten her after not seeing/hearing from her for over a year, and DD is 1, and doesn't know her. DH and I agreed that before she can visit, we will set some hard and fast rules with her, but we haven't had a reason or the opportunity to go there, so we've just left things as they are (meaning LC with DH and none with me or the kids.) Until now! My unicorn said "of course she'd call/email me asking for pictures-she knows DH doesn't take/manage pictures or do the blog." So I sent them to her.
I know that was a long story, thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. I guess my questions are 1) Would you allow DS to talk to her, after it's been this long? My fear is that she will float in and out of his life, and I don't think that's fair to a kid. Either be in or out-but she was out for so long, and now she's trying to float in again when she showed no interest in the kids at all-only verbal attacks on us and p/a mail so far. 2) How do you reintroduce Grandma if you're going to try? Do we allow him to talk to her on the phone? Or maybe start with mail? 3) I am worried she's going to declare that she's coming to visit, and I know the answer is just NO, but it's hard. On one hand, she's DH's mom and my LOs' grandmother, but on the other she's a boundary stomper who is a terrible houseguest, and causes DH and I to fight when she is here, beside the fact that she generally drives me crazy and takes digs at me when DH isn't right there with me. 4) She keeps bringing up to DH that she wants to meet us halfway between our house and hers where another family member lives, to do a visit. I like this idea better-because we could stay in a hotel and we'd have control over visiting hours with her. However, I'm just not sure that it's right to throw the kids into that after not even really knowing her for so long. My mama bear stomach does flips thinking about it.
Any advice is appreciated, big girl panties on.